I don\x92t know how long I\x92ve been sitting here. In the dark and the deafening noise I\x92ve lost all sense of time. Maybe it\x92s been days, maybe just a few hours. The water reaches my chin now, and my body\x92s been numb with cold for what feels like ages. It\x92s probably been a while since I last felt Michelle stir. It\x92s impossible to hear if she\x92s still breathing; the roaring water of the Saône drowns out all sounds except for the thoughts that rush through my mind. Drowns out! For a moment I lose control, laughing hysterically, and at once my mouth is filled with water. Some disturbingly calm part of me states that the water tastes good, slightly metallic and with a hint of salt in it. At the same time, I\x92m coughing and panting, trying in vain to empty my lungs. New water fills them, and I return to the only solution I know; the one I\x92ve used the last minutes/hours/days/years/aeons. I keep as still as I can, stretching my neck to gain those last, life-giving centimetres. I don\x92t have to close my eyes to see Michelle in front of me. Just like she looked before. The heavy jacket, dungarees and strong boots, helmet with a headlamp, just like the one I had. Had. Her clear blue eyes shine as she is smiling up at me. She must be dead now, just like James and Angelique. They were lucky, to get buried beneath thousands of tons of rock; I envy them now. I don\x92t envy Michelle, my lovely, sweet Michelle. She\x92s gone ahead, and I\x92ll be right behind her. I\x92m coming, Michelle! I don\x92t really know if I\x92m whispering or screaming, or if I\x92m dead silent. All I can hear is the roar of the water. I wonder if the entire river has been laid dry. If it\x92s become subterranean.

The water is at my chin again, even though I\x92ve laid my head back, stretching as much as I can. It\x92s been a long time since I stopped pulling at my legs. I\x92ve tried to break them off, but I can\x92t get enough leverage under the water. I\x92m probably not even bruised. Wonder if they\x92ll ever find us. The receptionist at our hotel in Besançon knew we were heading for the caves, but we didn\x92t tell him when we expected to get back. Has he called for help? Maybe they\x92re digging for us even now. It won\x92t matter. Every time there\x92s a wave I get water in my mouth, and I can swallow no more. My lips are frozen stiff, and it\x92s hard to spit it out. I try to keep my mouth closed, breathing through my nose, but it is difficult. Water leaks in through the corners of my mouth. Thoughts are rushing now as Death hold his scythe to my neck. It is true. You do see your life.

My mother brings out lemonade and cookies. It\x92s a beautiful day in late May, and it\x92s so warm outside. Michelle and I are playing in my garden, back home in Arles. We\x92re ten years old, and our friendship is slowly beginning to blossom out into a beautiful love.

Professor Alvarez is awarding me my doctorate, handing me the hat. The sun is bathing the entire University campus, and this afternoon he and I and Michelle will go sailing in the San Fransisco bay.

I\x92m in the sauna with James, slowly approaching ninety degrees, and he is telling me he\x92s decided to propose to Angelique. I congratulate him, and slaps his back, laughing as he screams with pain.

Michelle and I are making love in our hotel room, whispering sweet words to each other as we share a sweaty embrace. In just a few hours, we are leaving for the Jura Mountains. The tension leaves our bodies as we share each other\x92s warmth.

Why does my mind keep centring on heat? Here in the cold and in the dark there can\x92t be any memories left of how it felt to be warm. But I am hot! It feels as if my body is glowing, as if any time now I might vaporise all the water, floating with it like a cloud, up through the caves and then on to the sky. If I could only get my fingers to work, I\x92d rip off every single piece of clothing I wear. Now the water is seeping in through my nostrils. Gently I bring my stiff hands together in front of my face, forming a little bowl to keep it away for a while longer. The motion makes the rock that is pinning my legs shift, and I pull and thrash for all I\x92m worth; the pain hardly even reaches my brain. There! I\x92m getting free! Free! No! No. No... Stuck again. I\x92ve won a few decimetres. A few more minutes or hours or lifetimes to fight the water and hope for my rescuers to come. I nearly cry out as I feel a hand land on my shoulder. Maybe I do, it\x92s hard to tell. Panicking, I wave my arms, but only manage to end up with my head submerged. It takes me forever to calm down enough to be able to sit still and keep my head above the surface. The hand is still there, and I take it, caressing the cold, stiff fingers. The ring makes me cry. Adding more water, I think to myself, my tears mixing with burbling, giggling hysteria. All I want to do is to sink back down and float out into the water. Merge with it on its way to the sea.

Suddenly she stands there, right in front of me. Even though it\x92s pitch dark I can see her, see how she points to her body in the water next to me, how she smiles at me and shakes her head. What does she mean? My God, she\x92s beautiful! Almost luminescent she stands there, all naked in this cold cave, yet still radiant as if with an inner warmth. \x91You poor thing,\x92 she whispers inside my head. \x91Beloved...\x92 I find myself wondering how I she can see me in the dark; I\x92m not glowing like she is, but she just keeps smiling. Then she lowers herself into the water, and she removes all the rock, and I stand up and my legs aren\x92t broken and now she emerges next to me, hugging me and I\x92m warm and she\x92s warm and we kiss. But her lips are ice cold.

Now I am screaming. My whole body can feel the anguished howl that dies out into the roar of the water. Suddenly I am wide awake, the dream gone. It was a dream, wasn\x92t it? The water and the darkness are hurting my eyes, and I see bright spots dancing before me. I must have breathed in water as I slept, for now I\x92m coughing violently, and it feels as if I\x92m about to break apart. My broken ribs send out pain all through my body, pain I didn\x92t even know I was still able to feel. The water is back at my mouth, and I form the little bowl again. Just a few more minutes, even a few seconds will do. The rescuers will be here soon, and they\x92ll get me out of here. Michelle. will they take you as well? I don\x92t want to stand next to an empty coffin and pretend to mourn you when you\x92re not even there. I\x92ll ask them when they come, that they\x92ll bring us home together. That\x92s what you meant, isn\x92t it? When you told me not to give up and die. That\x92s what you told me, wasn\x92t it? I think the water\x92s rising faster now. They\x92ll have to hurry! I\x92ll file a complaint! Can\x92t have it, people being so tardy they barely make it in time! The water is flowing in over the edge of the bowl now, running into my nose. One deep breath, then hold it! They\x92re coming! Just a few more seconds! Michelle!!

Michelle!

Michelle...

Miche