A lighter shade of grey - Edouard Kock (9 September, 2000)

It had been a long afternoon for both of them. Dumping their backpacks in the corner of the room, they flopped down on Matt's bed. "That was fun...", Ed remarked leaning back against the big pillows on the bed. Matt inched up rested his head on Ed's chest. They had both spent the larger part of the day in the city wandering around, marvelling at little things, laughing at the bigger more serious things. "Ya know, I am SO enjoying my stay here", Ed sighs happily, putting his hand on Matt's back, rubbing lightly. "Yeah, it's been great fun with you around, when you heading up to New Hampshire to see Scott?", Matt asked. 

Ed closed his eyes laying his head back against the pillows. "Sadly, pretty soon", Ed replies, "But I really am looking forward to seeing him. But its a long walk to there. Remind me to thank your mom for washing my clothes, its going to make things a lot more comfortable on the way up." They both lay in silence for a while, Ed thinking about seeing his mate, Matt wondering about random things. He so wanted Ed to see the new skit he had though up for his acting club  'The Roost' but he knew that Ed was anxious to see Scott. "You two up there?", a voice askes from downstairs. "Yes mom!", Matt replies. Ed felt Matt tense when they heard her coming up the stairs, opening his eyes he could see Matt looking at him questioningly. "Relax", Ed whispers and smiles. The door inched open and the face of Matt's mom peeked into the room. "You kids ready for dinner?", she asks, a natural a pleasant smile on her face. "Yeah, we'll be down in a sec mom", Matt replies, trying to hide his anxiety. "Don't take to long, or the lasagne will get cold", she says upon closing the door. 

Matt let out a soft sigh. Ed gently ran his fingers through Matt's hair. "You worry to much", he chuckles. "Yeah, well. I can't help it. It's still so new for me, and for them, I don't know how they are taking it. I worry they won't be happy with me, and Im not sure if she liked what she just saw. What if she thinks...", but Matt was cut short there by Ed putting a figner to his lips. "Oi, just listen to yourself!", he laughs. "All I'm hearing is a whole lot of 'what ifs' and 'not sure'. Matt, let me tell you something. I've been here, what, almost a week now? And I frankly, I'm rather angry at you." Matt gives him a questioning frown. "Now before you get upset, let me explain", Ed smiles, ".. I'm angry at you for not seeing exactly how God damn lucky you are. You have some of the most amazing parents I've ever met. They are kind, generous and most of all, open minded towards you. Sure, they probably have expectations. They might want to see you become a doctor, a lawyer or an art student. You can't help but feel a little responsable for something that you've created". Ed checks to see if Matt was actually listening, then decided to continue anyway.

"You as a cartoonist should know that better than anyone how responsable one can feel for one's creations. You want to see your drawings appreciated, and for your parents, its the same with you. Being a parent, for me, is a scary thought. Here you have this clean slate of a life that you've just conceived, and its up to YOU to make this person ready for the world. To teach them what is right and wrong, and above all, teach them to be able to think for themselves whats right and wrong. It can be a little hurtfull if your kid gets a diffrent idea about right and wrong, than what you've been trying to teach them. But the harder part of parenthood must come from realizing, you can only teach them so much and then hope for the best. I can only being to imagine how immensly proud your parents must be of you. Sure, like most kids, you've probably done a few things wrong, gotten scolded, made them upset. Thats part of the deal. What you've created, can hurt you. I feel like that about MY drawings sometimes. But, I feel so happy for your parents, to have been able to teach you so much, and now you are following through with your instincts, following your spirit. A lot of parents think that being gay is a 'bad' thing, and so when their son comes out, they are hurt because they think they have failed to teach you to avoid 'becoming' gay. Most parents won't even begin to think that perhaps, it ain't the end of the world. That the universe ISN'T going to suddenly stop for their child now 'that he's gay'. But your parents are diffrent. I mean heck, they are ever trying to learn more themselves! Your mom and the discussion group about parenting for gay children. Okay, sure, I don't think you need to make SUCH a big fuss, but thats me. You know how I am." 

At this point, Ed ruffles Matt's hair and then turns his head a little, staring out the window. "Matt, your parents created you. You are their responsability. But, in creating you, you were given free will. And thats for a darn good reason. Free will is the biggest achivement in the history of the universe, enabling us to imagine better things, or worse things. To create what we can only imagine, or to drestroy what we don't want to see. Freewill has no rulebook. And as such, you can make choices which affect you, and those around you. Making the choice to come out to your parents was very difficult for you. But its part of your freewill. Some parents forget that their children are living beings, like them, and instead see them as posessions. I created you, I own you, I dictate how you live. It sounds stupid, but you get parents like that. And I feel sorry for them, and their children.... But this isn't about them. It's about you, and you worrying about your parents must feel about your choice and choices you will make in the future. I must admit, I'm happy that you are thoughtfull enough, to thank them like that. Thank them for giving birth to you, by actually caring about what they think. It is rare to see such love. But you wanna know something? Your parents must be thinking the world of you right now. Sure, give me that look of disbelief, but think about it. They have given birth to you, taught you , made choices that influenced your life. And now, you are taking control of your life and making very important choices. In a way, they must be a little sad because now you are becoming less of a responsability for them, although they will always feel responsable for you until the day you die. But being honest to yourself, and to them, is something you cannot learn. It is something you must teach yourself, and something you must believe. And although you may not believe me, and heck, I'm probably wrong about all of this, but I think that deep down you've given them a greater gift than they can imagine. And this is the bit where I tell you life is like a pan of lasagne..." 

After a lenghtly exchange of sarcastic, cynical and almost laughable looks, Matt gets up from the bed and helps Ed up. It was at this point that Matt's mom started walking quietly down the stairs. They did not know, that everything that had been said, she actually heard. It's not that she was snooping, she was in fact putting sheets in the closet in the hall.  But after hearing what was being said, you could hardly blame her for listening in. Now, she was walking down the stairs, trying not to make a noise so as to alert the kids of what she had been doing. But it was hard, for although there was only a slight smile on her face, inside, he soul could have given light to a universe.