Chapter 14: Dr Chip Unlike the downtown area, buildings on the Upper West Side of Manhattan were not quite as tall. At most, they were five or six storeys high. While most of the upper floors were devoted to apartments, the street level for many of the buildings served as storefronts for cafes, launderettes, pizza places, small neighborhood bookstores, fruit markets and grocers. It was more of a place to live than a place to work or shop, as is the case in the downtown Manhattan neighborhoods. It had been cloudy and overcast all morning long but by the time the afternoon came around, the clouds had parted and a bright and cheery sun illuminated the clear blue skies above. As they often say in the Northeast, if you don't like the weather, wait fifteen minutes. Frankie and Martin were strolling down Columbus Avenue after having exited the subway at 86th Street. While there was a decent showing of pedestrians, the sidewalks in the area were not as crowded as the sidewalks further downtown. "So we are going to the implant removal place?" Frankie asked. "Yeah. Dr Chip. He's the best in the business." Martin replied. He stopped and turned towards a door between a launderette and a hardware store. Pointing at the door, he said "Oh, here we are." The door was painted in a drab olive green color. On the door, Frankie saw a small plaque that read "Dr Chip MD Implant Removal Surgery". "Wait a minute," Frankie said. "Implant removal is a medical specialty now? How many people have implants that need removing?" "Oh, you would be surprised," said Martin. He rolled up his left sleeve and showed Frankie his upper arm just above his elbow. Sure enough, where the fur parted, there was a small surgical scar showing clearly where the stitches used to be. Frankie gasped. Martin then turned the door handle and opened the door. Inside, beyond a short landing, a flight of steps led up to the second floor. The steps were covered in shallow pile office grade drab olive green carpeting. Martin stepped inside. He motioned to Frankie. "Come on in!" The two of them climbed the steps and arrived on another landing on the second floor. There was an open door leading into some kind of waiting room. They entered the waiting room. There did not seem to be a receptionist anywhere around. The waiting room was furnished in a simple manner. The floor was carpeted in the same drab olive green carpeting as the stairs outside. There were two drab olive green loveseats on two sides of the room. At the corner, between the two loveseats, there was a small wooden table with some magazines on it. Frankie noticed that the magazines were all Implant Removal Weekly, apparently some kind of trade publication. He read the headlines from one of the magazines: "Robotic Pliers: Revolutionary or Unnecessary?" "Genital Implants: Watch Your Bedside Manner" "Implant Trends For 2308" "Removal Reversal: Patients Who Want It Back In" One of the doors adjacent to the waiting room opened. A head peeked out and then the doctor waddled out into the waiting room. He was an emperor penguin, about two heads shorter than both Frankie and Martin, bearing the classic black and white tuxedo penguin markings and some yellow on his cheeks. A smallish black beak sat in the center of his face between two twinkling eyes. He was wearing a stethoscope around his neck and a white doctor's coat. "Oh boy oh boy! Patients!" The doctor jumped up and down with glee. He calmed down. Looking at Frankie then at Martin, he said "Hi, I'm Dr Chip. Welcome to the best implant removal clinic on the Upper West Side. Umm... actually the only implant removal clinic on the Upper West Side." "Hi, Dr Chip" said Martin. Frankie was silent. He did not know whether to be amused or disbelieving. "So what can I do for you?" asked Dr Chip, looking towards Martin. Martin said, "Oh no... he's the one with the implant." He pointed at Frankie. Dr Chip moved a bit closer to Martin. He pointed at Martin's chest. "Are you sure about that? You look a bit strange." Martin sighed. "Okay, come on into my office then." Dr Chip gestured to both Frankie and Martin. Perhaps the oddest thing in Dr Chip's office was the enormous dark brown and probably mahogany wooden desk, which was at least a few feet too large in both dimensions. Behind the desk, there was a large leather backed office chair. It matched the desk in size. Behind the desk, there was a deep brown perhaps mahogany wooden bookcase. Frankie took a look at the titles of the books and all of them involved implants in some way or other. There was "The Big Book of Implants", which had to be a few inches thick. There was "Implant Removal For Dummies", with a cheesy yellow and black cover and cartoonish white lettering that did not exactly inspire confidence in anyone who used it as a reference. There was "Advanced Implant Removal", an impressive looking leather bound hardcover tome. Sitting rather inconspicuously next to the bookcase, there was a potted plant in a large cylindrical earthen planter. Frankie noticed that the broad green leaves of the plant had rectangular bumps in them, as if the plant too had implants. Dr Chip took a seat on the large leather chair behind the enormous desk. He looked rather comical sitting there because he was so much smaller than both his chair and his desk. It would not have been an exaggeration to say that only his head and shoulders peeked out above the desk. Frankie and Martin took their seats across the desk from Dr Chip. "So where's the implant?" Dr Chip asked. Frankie turned around and pointed to the rectangular bump at the back of his neck. "There it is," he said. "Mmm hmm," said Dr Chip. There was a lined yellow notepad in front of him. He was busy scribbling something with a fountain pen on that notepad. Frankie tried to read what Dr Chip was writing but found that to be impossible because the scrawl was in a typically illegible doctor's handwriting. "Do you know how you got it?" asked Dr Chip. Frankie replied, "I don't know. I've had it since I was very little." "Mmm hmm," said Dr Chip. He was scribbling even more furiously now. The top page of the notepad started smoking and caught fire. A little flame danced around where Dr Chip had just been scribbling. Showing not even the least bit of surprise, Dr Chip picked up his coffee mug, which was conveniently located next to the notepad, and poured its contents onto the notepad. Luckily, the mug contained only water and not coffee. Then he opened one of his desk drawers and produced a little grey device with a dial, an LCD readout, and two wires ending in alligator clips. "Okay, let's see what this sucker is," said Dr Chip. Frankie found Dr Chip's behavior and language so far to be very unusual for a doctor but he decided to give the doctor the benefit of the doubt. Dr Chip waddled around his desk carrying the little device. He stopped next to Frankie. "Okay, this won't hurt a bit," he reassured Frankie. As he said that, he snapped both alligator clips on Frankie's neck, one on each side of where the implant was. "Ow" exclaimed Frankie as the clips bit into skin. "Okay, so I lied... a little," said Dr Chip. "Now tell me what happens as I increase the power." The doctor turned the dial a bit. At first, Frankie saw nothing. Then the pencil holder on the desk turned into a badger with pencils sticking out of its head. Then the pencils turned into tiny badgers that started dancing on top of the first badger's head. "Okay, I'm seeing the badgers," Frankie said. "Badgers?" asked Dr Chip. "Badgers," said Frankie. Looking with intense concentration and a furrowed brow at the LCD readout on his device, Dr Chip turned the dial a bit more. The coffee mug turned into a badger that started pissing water all over the desk. The electric pencil sharpener turned into a badger, dragging its electrical cord around on the desk. The badgers were running all over the desk, bouncing and jumping over each other. "Lots more badgers on the desk. All your office supplies are badgers," said Frankie. "All my office supplies are badgers?" asked Dr Chip. "Yes, badgers," said Frankie. Dr Chip's device turned into a badger but still Dr Chip stared at it with a furrowed brow and intense concentration. He continued turning the badger's belly button. Then Dr Chip turned into a badger. The badger stared into the badger with an intense gaze, while the badger continued turning the badger's belly button. "And now you are a badger, Doctor," said Frankie. "I'm a Badger Doctor?" asked the badger, who was taking readings from the handheld badger. "Yes, you are a badger... Doctor," said Frankie. Then Martin turned into a badger. The chairs that they were sitting on turned into badgers. Frankie found himself trying to maintain his balance on a squirming badger chair. The desk turned into a large badger, snarling and clawing away at the walls. The books in the bookcase turned into badgers, dancing on the shelves of the bookcase. Then the bookcase itself turned into a badger, pushing all the smaller book badgers off of it. The potted plant turned into a large dark green badger with small rectangular bumps on its arms. "Almost everything in the room is a badger now, Doctor," said Frankie to the badger. "Everything's a badger?" said the badger, who was still staring at his handheld badger and turning its little belly button. "Yes, everything's a badger," said Frankie, who was starting to get very nervous. Then the whole room turned into a very large badger and Frankie saw that he was inside the large badger's mouth. Slowly, the badger closed its mouth and then all was darkness.