Celebrity Jeopardy: February 2002
All concepts, personalities, ideas or the like associated with “Jeopardy” are copyright Merv Griffin, Sony Entertainment and its related entities. This story was written for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to infringe on any copyrights. PLEASE don’t sue me; I’m broke already.
SETTING: Jeopardy studio from the Saturday Night Live sketches. If you need any more explanation, you probably won’t find this funny...
FADE IN:
[cue jeopardy music] Alex Trabek stops trying to hang himself with his tie as we return from commercial.
Alex Trabek: “Welcome back to Dorf on knowledge, where our celebrities are once again putting the fate of their charities in the hands of drunken construction workers. Just before the break, Keanu Reeves managed to leapfrog Leonardo DiCaprio into second place with -5600 by dropping his buzzer and being unable to answer the last question. Our returning champion Sean Connery is in the lead however, buzzing in incorrectly very few times having spent most of the “Jeopardy!” Round making himself a sailor hat out of newspaper.”
Sean Connery: [points] “Land-ho!”
Alex: “This is a studio Mr. Connery.”
Sean: “Oh, I’m sorry. I had a flashback of your mother and I panicked. Ha ha.”
Leonardo DiCaprio: [leaps onto podium] “I’m the king of the world!”
Alex: “STILL a studio Leonardo.” [Keanu buzzes in]
Keanu Reeves: “WHAT IS THE MATRIX?”
Alex: [perplexed] “This isn’t part of the game!”
Keanu: [stares blankly] “... ...I know kung-fu.”
Alex: “...”
Sean: [laughing] “Come on Trabek, let the kids express themselves!”
Leonardo: [still on podium, hesitantly] “King... of the world!”
Alex: [points to Sean] “You... shut up! [points to Leonardo] “YOU... are a bad actor, get down this instant.” [sighs]
Leonardo: [puppy dog eyes] “I’m pretty, please love me...”
Alex: “Let’s just start the “Double Jeopardy!” Round. Taking a look at our board, the categories are: “Hollywood,” “Cocktails,” “Famous Dates,” “Sandwich Ingredients,” “Fluffy Things,” “Active Volcano’s,” and finally “Nap Time.” [looking at camera] “I can only pray someone chooses that one. [short pause] Now we’re going to try something different this time. In hopes of finally winning something for charity, we’re going to let the contestant with the highest score in the last round pick first. Unfortunately that means it is Mr. Connery’s board, since he is in front.”
Sean: “Oh, but you’d like me to be coming from behind, wouldn’t you Trabek?”
Alex: “... Simply terrifying. Please pick a category.”
Sean: “Let’s see here—I’ll take cock stories for 600.”
Alex: [horrified] “No, no, that’s COCKTAILS. Drinks!”
Sean: [angry] “I’ll not stand for your attempts to drunken me you daft prick! No means no!”
Leonardo: [interjecting] “Well shoot, if you’re buying...”
Alex: “Absolutely not!”
Leonardo: [under his breath] “Tease…”
Alex: [heavy sigh] “The answer is: ‘This drink is made by mixing GIN and TONIC.’ [long silence] COME ON, you probably had some before you came on this show... or perhaps your mother did when she was pregnant... [Sean buzzes in] Sean Connery?”
Sean: [pressing finger on podium] “MY MOTHER WAS A
BLOODY SAINT! She only drank after
Alex: [shocked] “A model parent indeed. [Leonardo buzzes in] Leonardo DiCaprio?”
Leonardo: “Heh heh, yeah, there was this one time my mom gave me Pez cause I had stuck the pneumonia medicine up my—”
Alex: [interrupting] “That’s... enough. I’m convinced you were dropped on your head as a child. [short pause] Anything you’d like to add to this discourse Mr. Reeves?”
Keanu: [blank look] “oh... uh... I believe... I believe in something... ...I know kung-fu.”
Alex: [rolls eyes] “Indeed, a sad day for us all.
[Keanu buzzes in] What is it Keanu?”
Keanu: “Well I... I know kung-fu.”
Alex: [looking at camera] “God, I hate you all. The answer was ‘What is Gin and Tonic.’ The board once again returns to Mr. Connery.”
Sean: “If you are trying to break me with this interrogation you bastard, it won’t work!”
Alex: “Very nice. Mr. DiCaprio, why don’t you select a category?”
Leonardo: “Yeeeeeaaaah dog. Okay, how about ‘Nap Time’?” [curls up on the floor]
Alex: “No, no, Mr. DiCaprio I was joking. This category deals with bedtime stories. You’re not supposed to—oh screw it. I guess the board is actually yours Mr. Reeves.”
Keanu: [long pause] “Whoa.”
Alex: “Okay, I’m going to assume you chose ‘Famous Dates’ for 800. The answer is: ‘The war of 1812 took place in this year.’ [Sean buzzes in, Alex is less than pleased] Unfortunately that means Sean Connery gets to answer.”
Sean: “Ha ha! What is the year and time of the English and American—well I don’t know how it ends but your mother’s a skank!”
Alex: “How nice. [Keanu buzzes in] I’m almost afraid, but, Mr. Reeves?”
Keanu: Yeah! Well, like, I once went out with this chick who danced at hooters, and I thought she was kinda famous, and I was thinking, doesn’t putting out get you love?”
Alex: “NO! Just very, very wrong! Good lord, what is wrong with you people? [short pause] Well, Mr. DiCaprio seems to be waking up now, so I’m just going to skip on to final jeopardy, and the category is: ‘touch your nose.’ [“Final Jeopardy!” music starts] Now, all you have to do is touch your nose, that’s it. [all the celebrities struggle] It’s that part of you that is jutting out from your face. You can even touch anyplace on your face, and that’ll be close enough for me. You just have to touch your nose. [the music ends] Now let’s see what happened here. [walks over to the contestants row] Keanu Reeves managed to knock himself out with his own hand. Outstanding. Leonardo DiCaprio has lost interest and is staring at what I can only assume he sees as ‘pretty, pretty lights.’ And Sean Connery has decided to flip off the studio audience. [looks at camera] He could have at least touched his nose while doing it. [short pause] Anyway, that’s it for Jeopardy!, you have my apologies.
FADE OUT