Warm As Ice by Schitz Wolfie
Dezerei’s eyes screamed open as she awoke with a lurching jerk, her heart pounding in her chest, frost wheezing past her lips from her panting… another horrid nightmare. The same nightmare she had known for as long as she could remember, but it had never felt so painful before. She shook her head and closed her eyes tightly, trying to rid her mind of the last horrible images… ‘They’ll fade away, just like every other time… just relax… it was only a dream…’ Her thoughts echoed in her head, and although not very comforting, she knew that it was just a matter of time before she would feel more like herself again. Slowly, her breathing became steadier, the frost easing into a soft mist of fog… down to wisps of chilled air. A few minutes later, she could only remember glimpses of the dream… the details fading from her mind.
She slowly rolled from her blanket onto the cold floor, propping herself up on her side claws… still a little shaky, and pawed her way to a four-point stance. She leaned forward, stretching out her shoulders and wings, trying to get the kinks out of her system. Her long neck followed suit, straining to loosen the muscles and get those last few bones feeling like they were in the right places. Shaking her head one last time, she glanced toward the window… the sunlight barely casting beams in. ‘I’m definitely not going back to sleep after all that… looks like I’m up early today.’ Dez had never been known to be a morning dragon, but anything was better than remembering. Her body more or less awake, she stood up on her rear haunches, stretching to her full fourteen foot height as she looked around the room. The fire had gone out in the night… not too surprising; a fire left unattended usually dies… and quickly when in the presence of a sleeping frost dragon. ‘Probably went out a few minutes after I fell asleep,’ she mused to herself, ‘keeping warm used to be so much easier…’ Her thoughts trailed off as she glanced above the fireplace… and the hanging picture of her sister Mai-Yonli. The jade frame sparkled with the rising sun, glistening off it’s frost covered surface… as did her eyes, glimmering as if…
She shook her head again. ‘Don’t even think about it… already the day is not starting well, and you’ll just make yourself cry again.’ She turned her attention back to the fireplace, and walked over to the woodpile. Selecting a few large pieces of pine and some smaller cherry blossom branches, she quickly began arranging them on the chilled ashes in the fireplace. A few minutes… and quite a few matches later, the warm glow of a small flame began casting its shadows into the room. She smiled a little as the flame grew stronger, its light dancing across the wooden floor boards, wandering toward the entrance of the kitchen. Satisfied that the flames would at least survive long enough for her to start breakfast, she walked to the kitchen, filling the kettle with water and taking a few pieces of fish out from the pantry… she hadn’t needed an ice box in years. She hung the kettle above the fire, stoking its heat with a few more pieces of wood, and proceeded to work out the remaining details of breakfast… filling the pot with rice, slicing the fish into thin strips, and dicing up the cucumbers. She hummed quietly to herself as she paced through the old routine… not even thinking about the knife in her claw… it was so much a part of her that she barely realized when it was there.
Half an hour later, she sat down by the fire, munching on the sushi and sipping her tea while she listened to the wood crackling. She couldn’t remember when the last time was that she actually watched the sun rise… but she just gazed at the beams of light as they stretched longer through the window onto the floor, inching closer to her knees. “I wish you could feel it too Mai…” the whisper slipping from her lips as the sunlight eased against her scales, warming her legs a little more. Her thoughts fell back into memories of Mai, watching her giggle as she ran through the fields, her kimono fluttering a sea of gold against her jade-hued wings. Dez smiled to herself, remembering the sun shining against Mai’s scales. Shaking her head a little, Dezerei gathered her dishes and set them in the kitchen… they could wait until later. She walked back to her bed, just a thick blanket stretched on the floor… still more or less straight, and the pillows near where they ought to be. ‘It isn’t like I’m expecting company anyway…’ she thought to herself as she turned toward the wood blind by the wall.
Several kimonos hung loosely from the corners; she selected the sea-green one that had the dragonfly patterns on the sleeves. Gingerly, she threaded her wings back through the openings, and her arms slid into the silk. She turned to face the mirror, her silver-blue scales mixing nicely with the garment’s color… her dull grey eyes reflecting back at her gaze. Her obi fastened around her waist, she reached down unconsciously to the sword stand… her claw halfway wrapped around the rosewood sheath before she realized what she was doing. “No.” Her body froze in place as the chill crept from her voice, “I’m not doing this again… it is not a path that I want to walk anymore.” Her claw slowly opened its grasp… the katana resting back into its slumber. She leaned down to pick up the smallest blade of the three in the stand… not much more than a knife in her claw… and tucked its sheath into her obi. As much as she wanted to leave her past behind her, she still felt naked without one of the blades she had received from her father… the tanto was just a formality. It wasn’t meant to be used for combat, mostly just for rituals and ceremonies. She softly sighed and walked toward the door of the cave, her head bent down slightly as she prepared herself for another day… alone.
* * *
It had been six months or so since she had came to this land, trying to leave most of her past behind her, but it had never been easy. The beings here were vastly different to those she was accustomed to dealing with. It wasn’t that the creatures themselves were all that foreign… mostly it was the way they acted with each other. The few cold-blooded creatures that she had seen here were much taller than she was, and difficult to understand… and the warm-bloods were friendly enough… usually a little too friendly, though. Dezerei had never known beings to be so open to each other, or rather, to quite so many others… and to be so public about it. As she flew across the skies to the village nearest to her cave, her thoughts turned to the laughing faces of various beings as they rolled with each other in the grass… how happy they looked. It wasn’t that she was shy, she was just uncomfortable being around oth… ok; she was shy. More than that, she was just used to being alone. She blinked as a tear started forming in her eye, denying its birth as she soared closer. “Last thing I need to think about right now… I have work to do, and as long as I’m awake now, I might as well get an early start.” Her thoughts blurred into the wedding cake she had been working on… a simple shift from her previous daydream, but she still hadn’t decided what to do for the top. Moments later, still lost in thought, the village rooftops peeked over the hills, and she glided down to land near the outer edge of the gates.
Shaking off her wings, she walked onto the streets, the smooth, flat stones of the walkways warm against her feet. The catering shop was near the middle of the village square… it was a good job, allowing her plenty of time to be alone with her thoughts and be creative, and still have some contact with others. She was actually quite glad that she had found it; it was usually a welcome distraction. Walking past the houses and stores, she glanced around, watching as the morning sun brought its waking touch to the village… beings padding about as they headed off to work or off on their morning runs. The coffee hutch was fluttering with activity already; Dez grimaced and stuck her tongue out a little as she remembered its bitter taste. A pair of felines jittered out from the door as she passed, chatting rapidly to each other as they walked briskly past her, waving hello. Dezerei smiled and waved back, but tried not to pay attention to the conversation… the topics changing too quickly for her to not get confused.
The shop was already unlocked when she got to the door; Dezerei chuckled softly to herself, wondering how Renee could stand to be awake so early every day. As always, Renee was behind the counter, her paws dusted in flour from the morning cookies that seemed to draw in the crowds as soon as the open sign was flipped on the door. “Dez?” Renee jokingly exclaimed, “At this hour?? Or did my alarm go off late???” Dezerei gave her a half-smirk “No, I just didn’t sleep well…”
“Oh no, not another nightmare… what did he do now?” The subject of Dez’s dreams was a normal topic of conversation with Renee… sometimes the over-curiosity seemed annoying, but it was nice to know that someone actually cared.
“He got hurt… I woke up when his car went out of control and slid into a building… it just felt too real”
“Aww… poor thing…” Renee walked around the counter, and gave Dez a big hug. “I really think you should talk to someone about your dreams; it isn’t right that you should have them so often.”
Dez smiled, “I’ll be fine… but I’d really rather not think about it right now.” A shiver ran down her back as glimpses of the dream ran through her mind for an instant.
“Sorry… if you want to talk about it later, that’s fine, but I’ll hold off on the inquisition for now. Ooh! Tell me what you think about these…” Renee quickly walked back to the counter, picking up a tray of steaming cookies. “The first batch just came out a few minutes ago – cinnamon walnut with honey icing!”
The scent had struck her from the moment she had walked in the door, and the cookies looked wonderful. Dez picked up one of the smaller pieces and took a bite, a slight hiss of steam as the cookie touched her cold tongue… as usual, the taste was exquisite, even if it was a little too sweet. “You’re going to have to clean the nose prints off the windows again once the smell gets out of the door, these are outstanding!”
Renee grinned, “As long as they don’t start licking the windows, I think I can deal. Besides, Darren does the cleaning.”
Dezerei giggled as she pictured Darren wiping down the windows… the sight of the large, muscled panther dancing about with a bottle of window cleaner and a rag, flour on his overalls, his tail swishing across the floor as he whistled… Darren had to be one of the most amusing sights she had seen here. He seemed so out of place that he couldn’t help but fit in, always grinning and making others smile back. He had a deep, booming voice and his accent still lingered in his throat, even though he had lived here for years. No matter how confused or frustrated Dez ever felt, Darren could make her laugh. Renee was different… just as talkative, but in a calmer way. It might have been the sight of Darren that got her to walk into the shop in the first place, but it was Renee that made her want to stay. Renee had a knack for getting others to talk, not just chatter, but really talk… her voice always seemed so inviting, and her body didn’t hurt either. Renee was a petite fox, with long brown hair that melted down to her tail… half the customers that came in were there just to flirt with her, but she never seemed to mind.
“Don’t forget that the cake has to be ready by eleven, Darren isn’t going to have much time for the delivery.” Renee’s words brought Dez back to focus… she did need to get started working.
Putting her apron on, Dez headed into the kitchen, her carving tools already laid out on the counter next to the photographs of the wedding couple. She still hadn’t decided on the topper, but at least she had a little time to try a few ideas. She took in a deep breath, the air chilling in her lungs, and breathed out onto the counter – focusing her breath into a frigid cone. The ice built up on the counter, forming an instant stalagmite between her claws. It didn’t take long before she was chipping away at the cone, melting and shaving sections off from the limbs of the ice figurines that were emerging. It wasn’t all that different from her old dances… just smaller blades. Her mind wandered a little as she vaguely heard her old sensei’s instructions running through her head… if he only knew what she was doing with his lessons now… he might actually have been pleased.
‘…there is only one stroke that matters – the one right now; do not reserve your concentration for strokes that should not exist…’ sensei’s long-winded way of saying ‘do it right the first time’ ran through her head.
Nearly an hour and a half passed before she was finished with the sculpture – A male tiger knelt down before a standing panther, her paw tucked into his, gazing into each other’s eyes while two cubs sat in oversized suits in front of them. The instructions on the photographs were very specific about the attire of the cubs for some reason… Dez smiled, “Perfect… now for the trays.”
Ekisha came
in about
“I know, I’m late… I got stuck takin’ Jeyku to school at the last minute...”
“It’s alright Eki… Dez got here early so things probably aren’t all that behind, just see how she’s doing.” Renee wasn’t upset at Ekisha being late… but the sooner she got Eki away from the customers and calmed down, the better. Hearing that Dezerei was already working eased her tail a little, and Ekisha quickly moved through the customers… who graciously gave her plenty of walking room… back into the kitchen. Her mood improved a little more when she saw Dezerei working on ice roses for the salad trays.
“Gazelle steaks done already? How long you been here Dez?”
“Morning Ekisha; I guess I’ve been here since about six-thirty.” Dez smiled, happy that there had been plenty to do all morning. “The steaks were simple; they hardly wanted them cooked at all.”
Ekisha nodded while putting on her apron, her tail relaxing down and her eyebrows unfurling. “What’s left?”
Ekisha never wasted much time with her words; she had a tendency to be very direct, and a little harsh. What she lacked in tact, she made up for it by the facts that she was a hard worker and a great cook. Dez appreciated her company more than most would – Ekisha had a style that reminded her of home. From what she understood, Renee had been having a hard time finding someone that would work well with Ekisha’s unique temperament; there had been at least four cooks before her that didn’t last too long.
The
remainder of the morning was relatively uneventful; Dez and Ekisha worked in
mostly silence in the back while Renee kept the front room moving about,
sampling cookies and taking orders for lunches. Darren pulled in with his van
around
Ekisha turned to snarl back a response… but had to choke back the giggle that formed when she saw Darren all dressed up. “All set… cake’s in the fridge, entrée’s on the warmer.”
Darren breathed a sigh of relief, wiping his arm across his forehead, “Good, mebee dis weddin’ll go off wit’out a hitch after all. Dezzee! Dat invitation still stands if you want to show up after work… mebee we see you dancin’ tonight, eh?” Darren smiled over at Dez, still trying to get her to open out of her shell after all this time.
Dez blushed slightly, a familiar sensation whenever Darren was around “… you know I don’t dance, Darren…”
“’Course you do… you know dat I seen you swayin’ back here when I come ‘round… you got to start havin’ some fun, girl, out where de others can see you!”
Her voice grew a little quieter as a soft smile crept on her lips, “Maybe…”
Ekisha growled at him, “Lay off, Darren… she doesn’t have to go if she don’t wanna…”
“Relax ‘Keesha, you know I’m jus’ tryin’ ta help Dezzee loosen up.” Darren strode back to the fridge, smelling the steaks on the warmer before getting to the door. He slid open the door, blinking his eyes as the cold hit his face, and looked over at the cake. Whistling a quick note of approval, he called back “Dezzee, I’ve never seen anyt’ing like it… Simone’s gonna be thrilled!”
Dezerei smiled as she lowered her head, trying to be a little smaller in the kitchen. As much as she liked getting compliments, she was embarrassed whenever she received them.
Darren walked out from the fridge, carrying the large cake easily in his paws as he started loading up the van, the ice topper glimmering in the light as he walked into the street. He managed to keep his tux clean as the rest of the food was loaded, acting much more serious than normal… usually, it was Darren’s belief that if he wasn’t wearing any food by the end of the day, that he hadn’t actually worked. Dez smiled as she remembered him proving that point one day… smearing his sleeves with pasta just so he’d have something to wash later.
Once the van was fully packed, Darren grinned, “Ok, I t’ink I got everyt’ing I need… I’ll see you at de reception after de shop closes up tonight, ‘Keesha… an’ drag Dezzee wit’ you!” He winked at Dez, and ran out before Ekisha could reply.
“I know you don’t wanna go, Dez… I’m not gonna make you”, Ekisha’s words were quiet, even though they were wrong. The truth was that she did actually want to go and have fun, she just… well… felt awkward about it…
“Maybe…” was all Dezerei could say.
* * *
The lunch orders came and went, things slowing down shortly after two in the afternoon, and the three girls sat in the front room eating their lunches, chatting about this and that… Renee and Ekisha holding up most of the conversation.
“… I know it ain’t her fault, but I hate when she dumps Jeyku on me at the last minute.” Ekisha sat, complaining about her little brother, “I got my own life to worry about.”
“Eki, your mom doesn’t have a lot of choices, “Renee replied, “think of it from her side, taking care of the two of you by herself.”
“So that’s supposed to mean I have to drop everything? I already moved back home to help, I pay half the bills, have no life outside of here; now I have to be half a mom too?”
“Eki… it’s not that simple”
“No, it is that simple… Jeyku is an annoying little brat, and I’m s’possed to throw my life away for him? Or for her, for that matter?”
Renee shot Ekisha a cold glance… looking quickly at Dezerei…
“What? I didn… “ Ekisha’s words trickled down into a whisper… “… dammit… You know I didn’t mean it like that, Dez…”, her face reddening from her carelessness.
Dez just sat there, her claws biting into her sandwich, staring blankly downward… “I know… it’s alright…” her voice was quiet, and her eyes dim. “I would have thought about her regardless…”
Renee tried to smile at her, “I know things were different back home for you, Dez… your sister meant a lot more to you than most do. Eki didn’t mean…”
“I know… Mai wasn’t perfect either… just very close…”, her eyes dimmed a little more, “… it happened… and I can’t change it…”
The three sat in awkward silence for a few minutes... Renee finally asking, “You want to talk about it?”
“…” The thoughts in her mind raced as visions of Mai flashed through Dezerei’s head. Mai had been killed nearly two years ago… or, rather, she had decided to die in place of Dez… Nothing had ever been the same since that night, and not a day went by that Dez didn’t feel like screaming, or crying, or searching, or… crumbling… There were so many things she wanted to say, so many feelings corked up inside… too many to even know where to begin… She felt the ice stiffen in her veins as she thought about it… and the chill of the blade at her side…
“… no… it hurts too much…”
A few more minutes of silence passed… “I’m sorry Dezerei… it just slipped out ‘cause I was mad” Ekisha stammered out her apology…
Dez weakly smiled, “I know, it isn’t your fault… I know that Jeyku bothers you sometimes, and I know that your family isn’t easy to live with… but they do still love you… and for all the trouble, I know you love them as well.”
Ekisha bowed her face down… “I know, and I do… it just gets to me sometimes”
Renee sat back in her chair, “Well, I think we’ve held the funeral for this conversation long enough for one afternoon… what say we pick a new topic? Dez, want to talk about that dream?”
Dez smiled, the nightmare had completely escaped her thoughts, the chill in her blood weakening. “Oh… why do you always want to know about him?”
“Because I think it’s very interesting that you have the same person in your dreams every night… I can never remember mine. Besides, dreams are supposed to mean something.”
Dez sighed, Renee was in full-psychology mode now, “Sure they do… Well, like I said earlier, he was driving along when his car went out of control and he slid into a wall… I felt the glass shatter as he flew into it, cutting into his hands and face before I woke up. I think he hit a patch of ice on the street, but I can’t remember…”
“Ice, huh? Maybe that’s supposed to mean you?” Renee was reading a little too much into the dream, but it felt good to get some of the dream of her chest.
“I doubt it. I’d like to think that I was more than just a patch of ice, “Dez giggled. “If I remember right, he was tired from work, and just wasn’t paying attention. He has the worst luck… but I’ve never had a dream end like that before.”
Renee listened as Dez described bits and pieces of what she could remember… Dez’s alter-ego always fascinated her, and she couldn’t help but wonder why he was always in her dreams. In the back of her mind, Renee always assumed that he represented someone from Dezerei’s past that she never talked about, but she never said anything about it. Ekisha sat and listened; she never interrupted when Dez was talking about her dreams… it was hard enough to get Dez to talk on a normal basis, and she didn’t want to stop her when she did finally open up. Besides, every now and then, Ekisha would wake up to her own common nightmare… but it never affected her quite as much. The three talked for another fifteen minutes or so, finally getting back to the task of cleaning up the shop… normally Darren’s job, but he had a valid excuse for the day. Fortunately, there wasn’t anything major on the delivery schedule for the next day, so the cleaning didn’t take too long, and pretty soon, it was four thirty… and time for the shop to close up for the evening.
* * *
“So, are you coming to the reception, Dez?” Renee asked as she turned the lights off for the night, “You know Darren will want to see you there…”
Dez had been putting off answering that question for as long as possible, but it was getting to be the time for a decision. In her heart, she did want to go; she imagined herself actually laughing for no reason other than the fact that she was glad to be there. But her mind intruded into her daydreaming, whispering thoughts of how awkward she’d feel, how little she actually knew the married couple, what would happen during the moments of painful silence, that there would be no one to talk to and that she’d just be sitting off in the back, watching everything… too nervous to be a part of it.
“Earth to Dez… are you in there?” Dezerei shook her head slightly, hearing Renee’s voice bringing her back to the moment.
“I don’t think I should… I’d just be an uncomfortable burden on everyone…” her words trickled out in whispers.
Renee stood there for a moment, studying Dez’s face with a slight frown on her own, “I know that you don’t think you’re very good talking to others, but you really need to stop this at some point. All you’re doing is hurting yourself by denying the chance to meet someone… Dez, you deserve better than you let yourself have, and I know that it’s probably a cruel thing to say… but what would Mai have thought you should do? Do you think she would have wanted to see her sister this alone if she could have helped it?”
The silence froze in the air as Dez just stood there… Renee could almost feel the room getting a little colder, and wondered to herself if that had been the best thing to say. Dezerei’s thoughts turned back to Mai… remembering all the times that Mai had been laughing, trying to be the center of attention during all the festivals… and all the times that Mai played matchmaker, trying to introduce her shy older sister to anyone else standing by themselves… she wasn’t alone because Mai was gone, she was alone because she was scared… the only thing that had changed was that Mai wasn’t there to help her… Dezerei’s thoughts crept back into the present moment.
Mai wasn’t going to lead anyone to her… maybe it was time that she started going to someone on her own.
“… it wasn’t cruel… and you’re right… I don’t know what I’ll do there, but… I think I need to go…” Dez stammered the words out, struggling to say the feelings in her heart, feeling wrong for saying them out loud, but knowing that she had to start somewhere.
Renee blinked, a look of surprise fading across her face, “You… you mean it?”
“… I think so.” A nervous smile crept across Dez’s face.
“Dezzie!” Renee’s face beamed as she ran over to hug the embarrassed dragon, “That’s wonderful! I know it was a cheap trick, but I didn’t think it would work. I mean, if I had known that was all it would take to get you to go I would have said something long ago. Darren is going to be thrilled that you… “, Renee’s voice started chirping a mile a minute, bouncing back and forth from apologizing to amazement and encouragement.
The only thing Dez could think about, was wondering exactly what had she just gotten herself into…
* * *
The walk down to the park seemed like the longest few blocks that Dezerei had ever walked; she wasn’t dragging her feet, but each step seemed harder and harder to make. Renee walked right beside her – still half in shock that Dez was actually there, and there was no way she was going to let Dez back out now. Ekisha had to run home first and make sure things were alright at home before coming back to the reception, to get changed… and to apologize to Jeyku for being angry earlier that morning.
“I… I don’t even know what I should say… Darren will be the only one I know there aside from you and Ekisha…” Dezerei’s voice just as shaky as her knees felt, trying to find some rational excuse to stop and turn around.
Renee wasn’t giving her any room to back out, though. “You made the cake, you made the food, and your ice sculptures are getting requested more and more often… relax. People will be coming up to you to ask questions; you’re not exactly a new face… it’s just that no one really knows your voice.”
“… but… I won’t know…” She could already hear the music starting to ring through the air as they approached, tuned steel kettle drums chiming out a lively rhythm… the kind of music that Darren was always dancing to at work..
“You’ll know what to say, and you’ll handle it better than you think you will.” Renee finished Dezerei’s trailed off words, trying to make her feel as confident as possible, and knowing that she wasn’t having the best of luck.
Stopping for a minute, her heart beating faster, and mist starting to slip past her lips as her breathing got a little tense from nervousness… Dez looked at Renee with a very worried look on her face. “No… that’s… not it… I…”
Renee looked back, realizing that there was something a little more important on Dez’s mind than just nerves. The only time she had ever seen Dez look like this was on her first day of work... assuming it was nervousness at the time, Renee had tried to help her through a little of it, but as soon as Dez started to get absorbed in her work, it had passed. This… seemed different.
“What? Dez, I’ve only known you a few months, but… in all that time, I still don’t understand why you never say what you are thinking. Please… what’s so wrong?”
Dez fumbled with her words as she tried to stammer out the thoughts in her head… and in her heart. Back home… it wouldn’t have been proper to talk about your feelings… but… this wasn’t there…
“I… “ Blushing as she got more embarrassed by the second… she closed her eyes, squeezing them shut, and took in a deep breath…
“I don’t want to embarrass myself because I don’t know any of Darren’s family or anyone else that’s going to be there and I don’t know how to act in front of them especially if they’re anything like Darren and I don’t want to feel or look like such an outsider or make embarrassing mistakes from my old homeland traditions in front of Darren or make him embarrassed that he knows me or that I like him or…”
Her voice suddenly silenced… realizing that in her frustrated release… those last few words slipped out…
Renee stood there wide eyed… little bits of frost on her cheeks from Dez’s sudden outburst… shocked… and finally a little clearer on why this was so hard for Dezerei.
“You… like Darren? As in… like him?”
Her tail twitched a little as her cheeks reddened deeply. Hanging her head down in a shy attempt to make herself smaller, she softly replied “… Yes.”
Trying extremely hard to not burst out laughing… not wanting to make Dez feel even more embarrassed, Renee choked back her words for half a moment. “Well… I didn’t see that coming… you’ve been keeping that in from the beginning, haven’t you?”
Nodding softly, getting up the nerve to peek at Renee’s face “I… ever since I first saw him… there was something… there…”
“And… you’ve been keeping this quietly to yourself… why?”
Fidgeting a little as she nervously wriggled her fingers “Because… he… wouldn’t like me… that way… I’m too quiet…”
Finally letting a smile show on her face, Renee quipped “Dezzie, I’m sorry, but how in the heck did your homeland ever survive this long? If everyone there is as quiet and introverted as you are, no one would ever even date, much less have children!”
Blushing, a small smile creeping across Dezerei’s lips “… matings were arranged.”
A few seconds of odd silence hung between them… before they both started giggling at the situation. Renee hugged Dez warmly, before bursting out laughing, tears in her eyes. Dez just stood there, stuck in a funny, but comforting embrace.
“Good… at least, I think that was an attempt at a joke. Dez, relax. You don’t need to say anything to Darren if you don’t want to… though… “grinning a little as she looked up at Dezerei “… if you did… I think you might like his reaction.”
Dez stepped back, her eyes widening at the remark. “What?”
Giggling a little as she smirked at Dez “Darren… has been wanting to see what you are like without all your defenses up… because he said there’s something in the way you smile at him… that makes him feel a little funny, if you understand what I mean.”
Dezerei’s eyes couldn’t have been wider. Her face was frozen in a shocked and embarrassed stare, but her tail… the tip was flicking back and forth madly.
* * *
The reception was in full swing when the two girls arrived; Renee having regained her composure walking into the park first, smiling and hugging the older Panthress at the gate… Darren and Simone’s mother, Dez assumed. Dezerei ducked a little under the gate… embarrassed at her larger size amidst all the other beings… standing out without even trying, and nervously stepped behind Renee as she talked.
“Renee! Was beginin’ to wonder when you’d be showin’ up! Everyone’s been ravin’ ‘bout the food, chile!”
Grinning as she stepped to the side, “Well, I can’t take credit for the food, just the fee! Dezerei and Ekisha are the artists behind the food. Eki had to run home to change, but, Monique, I’d like you to meet the elusive Dezerei Kochiwa.”
Dezerei stepped nervously forward, half bowing before catching herself in her old patterns again… fortunately, she would have had to lean forward to shake Monique’s paw anyway, so it didn’t show. “Pleased… to meet you, Moni…” her words stopped a little short as she was suddenly hugged by the panther.
“Pleasure’s all mine, darlin’…
Blushing just a little “No… it just takes me… a while… to warm up to new faces.” Stammering out a joke through her nervousness, Dez tried her best to smile back.
Grinning widely, Monique laughed “Darren tol’ me you had an odd sense o’ humor, chile. Glad to finally meet you. Well… go on in! Ain’ no sense standin’ here talkin’ to me wit’ your tail between your legs!”
Dez looked to her side for Renee… who had already gotten swept away talking to other friends. A cold shiver ran up her back as she smiled at Monique… and nervously walked into the park.
Darren was laughing in his tux as he raised his glass in a toast to his sister, and her new husband. “To… Simone and Ryan… may ‘dere lives be filled wit’ ‘de laughter of cubs… ‘dere home filled wit’ de warmth of love… and ‘dere spare bedroom open for me to pass out in tomorra’ mornin’!” The crowd laughed as the sound of glasses clinked across the grounds.
“Not on yo’ fool life, Darren! THere’s no way you’re going to interrupt our first night with your antics!” Simone laughingly made a little fun at his accent, but was very serious through her smiling reaction.
“In a few weeks, by all means, Darren, but c’mon, man… give us a little privacy at first before you come in and wreak havoc in the new house!” Ryan grinned, knowing… or at least hoping that Darren was kidding.
Simone’s raven hair rolled down her back over the sharp contrast of her white dress… her chocolate colored fur softly melting between the two opposite hues. Smiling as her soft yellow eyes stared lovingly at Ryan. His green eyes gazing back as he kissed her, his deep brown-tinted orange fur rolling down his face into the black tux, reddened hair tied back in a tight tail between his shoulders. They had been seeing each other for roughly a year now, and wanted nothing more than to start their family… preferably… without too much interference from Darren’s loud playfulness.
At either side of their seats… were two small empty chairs… both holding empty suits; the fulfillment of a promise they had made to Monique… that the suits would be eventually filled with two cubs, as it seemed fairly obvious that Darren was not going to be extending the family line any time soon… he simply had too much volume to be fenced in, so… one cub from Simone… and one cub in place of Darren’s offering to the family line.
“Guess I better sweat all ‘dis out o’ me by tonight, den, eh sees?” Darren grinned widely as he downed his glass. He was more than happy that Simone had found someone that she wanted to be with so much… it just wasn’t for him. Too many complications… too much having to tone himself down… just wasn’t worth it.
Dezerei slowly walked closer to the crowd, her tail nervously flicking behind her… wanting to not be seen… and cringing just a little as the loud cry rang out from the center of the reception.
“DEZZIE!!!!!!!! I DON’ BELIEVE IT! I mus’ be drunk and seein’ t’ings already!!!” Darren’s voice boomed out as he leapt out of his seat, running up to Dezerei… everyone in the crowd turning to look… and see the village shut-in standing there.
Dez blushed bright red as Darren hugged her… her voice locking up in her throat as she tried to say something… anything… to break the silence…
Not that there was much silence with Darren talking. “Dez, you hafta meet my seester, Simone! I can’ believe you really came!” Tugging at her chilled, yet sweating hand, he started pulling her toward Simone and Ryan… to the center of the crowd… feeling everyone watching… staring at her.
Dez’s feet slowly started moving, her face bright red as she followed Darren’s pulling paw… smiling nervous in embarrassment at the beings in the crowd… a million fears rolling through her thoughts. Looking up at Simone and Ryan… their faces at least familiar from the photographs she had looked at for weeks for the cake. Her words stuttering as she nervously squeaked out “… H… ell… o”
Whispering a little, Simone smiled at Dez “Sorry… Darren doesn’t have a mute button. We’ll get you out of the spotlight in a minute.”
Ryan stood up as he shook Dezerie’s hand, her skin cold on his paws as he tried prying Darren’s grip away. Smiling at Dez as he whispered to the side “Darren… c’mon, she’s already embarrassed, don’t make it worse like this”
Still smiling, Darren looked a little confused… his voice still booming from excitement. “She ain’ embarrassed… see? Look at her… “ his words trailed off as he looked up at Dez’s red face… suddenly painfully aware that he had made her that uncomfortable.
“… oh.”
For once… Darren was quiet… just for a few seconds, before his smile returned, and his voice rang back out to the crowd “I see ‘de impared judgement is already kicked in… Ladees and gentlemen… ‘scuse me for a minute as I get my paw outta my mouth!” Laughing as he tugged at Dez’s hand, leading her out from the crowd and around the back of the gathering, waving at the others as he smiled and laughed… his voice quieting down as soon as they ducked out of sight.
“Dezzie, girl… sorry… I didn’t even t’ink you’d show up. I know I got too carried away when you did.”
Her voice still shaking, still embarrassed by the whole experience… “I… I know. It was an accident… its all right.”
“No… it ain’. You finally show up in public, an’ I gots to make a show o’ you like ‘dat… really, I’m sorry.”
“It… would have happened… one way or another… at least its done.” Dezerei choked out the words as she weakly smiled at Darren.
“I really am glad you came… HEY! T’ink we might get to see you dance by ‘de time ‘de night is over, eh, Dezzie girl?”
She fumbled her hands in front of her, wriggling her claws over themselves… “Darren… please… I can’t dance… I don’t know how to, and everyone is already staring at me…”
“So? We jus’ give ‘dem somet’ing worth starin’ at ‘den!”
Cringing a little at the thought… she shook her head… “I don’t want them seeing me make a fool of myself…”
“Dezzie girl… ‘de world is full o’ fools. Better to be one of ‘de foolish ‘den to never be seen.” Darren tried to make her feel a little better at the thought… but knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as he saw her reaction.
“I… I think I’d rather just… not be seen… I’m sorry, maybe this was a bad idea.”
“NO… no, Dezzie, please… don’ leave… I promise… I won’ do another t’ing to embarrass you… jus’… please stay…” Darren had an odd expression on his face… one that Dez had never seen before… it wasn’t a smile… it half reminded her of the pouty face that Mai used to make to get her to do something she was nervous about… only… Darren’s face… wasn’t carrying the loving, joking appearance that Mai’s had… Darren’s face… wasn’t joking.
Nodding weakly, she softly replied “I’ll stay… but, please… no more asking me to dance… I just… I just want to watch.” A lie; one of the few times she had ever spoken in her life and told an outright lie, not just a tactful hiding of her emotions. The thought of rushing to his arms… and dancing with him… had crept through her mind more than a few times when she had seen him swaying to his music in the shop… the desire to have her body held so close to him… she shook her head as she snapped back to look at his face.
“I promise… but, Dezzie… it’s easy. I know you can feel ‘de rhythms… I seen you sway when you t’ink no one is watching… I know you could… if you’d jus’ let yourself… but… I promise.”
Nodding softly, her eyes closed softly… she whispered “They must be missing you… you should go back. I just need to calm down a little first.”
“But… you…”
“I’m sure… I’m alright… just overwhelmed. I promise, I won’t leave.” Weakly smiling at Darren… she squeezed his paw softly in her hand.
“You better keep ‘dat promise, Dezzie girl… an’ I’ll keep mine.” Squeezing back, he let her hand go… his paw… feeling a little cold… but strangely empty. He smiled, turning and walking back to the crowd… peeking back at her one last time before heading back… whispering to himself…
“Shame… so shy… so quiet… but… so… “ shaking his head, he walked back to the crowd.
* * *
Dezerei breathed a sigh of relief… her hands trembling as she exhaled a large breath of frost… shaking inside from so much embarrassment. Not from the crowd… but from Darren… embarrassed that she couldn’t say a thing that she wanted to.
“It ain’ easy, is it chile?”
Dez turned around… to see Monique leaning next to a tree, not twenty feet away from her… suddenly bright red at being caught in a private moment.
“Oh… save yer shyness for ‘de youngins… I’m too ol’ to pay it no nevermin’.” Smirking as she walked closer, her black hair curled into tight cornbraids that fell across her shoulders… the darkened emerald dress slinking down to her ankles, accenting her golden yellow eyes as she stepped closer. “We needs to talk, girl…”
Stunned a little at her words… watching the beings here being physically open with each other was one thing… but to be this open with your words…
“Renee tells me you have a t’ing for my boy… and from all your red cheeks… I see ‘dat for meself…”
Dez tried to open her mouth… to say something to contradict her… but… something in her eyes… made it impossible to say a single word.
“I won’ say ‘dat I unnerstan’ why… but I unnerstan’ enough to know ‘dat it is ‘dere… locked up in yer soul, chile…”
Slowly, Dez watched as Monique reached up with her paw and held her hand… and slowly… nodded.
Smiling “Well… I
guess ‘dat’s a start.
Dez tried not to smile… but… it just creeped over her face… something about this openness… seemed very… comforting… for once.
“He ain’ gonna respon’ to you… if’n you don’ say what you feel… an I gets ‘de feelin’ you got a lot to say to him…”
“… I … Monique, I … want very much to say… something… to him. I just… don’t know… how to… where to start…” Dezerei cowered down, crouching to be more face to face with Monique… feeling her mask of silence starting to loosen.
Smiling, Monique gripped Dez’s hand warmly in her paw “I know, chile… ‘dat’s why I said… it ain’ easy. You’ll t’ink o’ somet’ing… even if’n you have to make your own way to say it… all paths cross eventually, chile. It don’t matter what way you take to get ‘dere… you jus’ have to take ‘de first steps… an’ ‘den go where ‘de road takes you.”
Nodding, Dezerei smiled… something familiar to her words… about the paths to be walked… she just couldn’t remember why.
Smiling, Monique let go of Dezerei’s hand… turning with a soft laugh. “Right now, chile… my road is headin’ ‘dis way… I t’ink I hear Darren startin’ up the music again… mebbe you should go listen a while, eh?”
Nodding she turned to walk back to the crowd… “Monique… I hardly know you… but… “
“Yer welcome, Dezerei Kochiwa… an’ don’ worry… we gonna talk more soon, I’m sure.”
* * *
There was a distinctly familiar feeling to the reception… not that she really knew anyone, just the situation. Her thoughts mingled in her head, half thinking about how much had happened today, and half faded to the festivals back home… how Mai would introduce her, and then get caught up in socializing with other groups as Dez was left nervously trying to not draw attention. Mai never meant to abandon her, it just always happened. Dez had never fully realized just how much Renee reminded her of Mai until the sinking memory crossed her mind… almost picturing Mai standing in Renee’s place as she watched her in the midst of the dancing crowd… wishing more than anything that she had her little sister’s confidence and her ability to speak.
Monique… was right, but where to even start… how could she possibly tell Darren a singe word of what was on her mind when she could hardly say more than a whisper to him? And why was there something about Monique that made her actually say anything at all… not that she really minded in the least, but… why? Shaking her head a little, she looked around… finding herself cowering beneath the hiding shadows of a tree, watching everyone talking, mingling, dancing… and the glances toward her every now and then… the same as always…
For some reason, her thoughts drifted back to her nightmare… his life… his accident. If she was indeed the patch of ice… then she was the cause for his misfortune. There was one thing she had never mentioned to Renee when she talked about her dreams... that he was always alone. There was never anyone else around. Why? Why was her entire life… her entire soul always filled with silence and lonliness?
“No… I can’t do this! I’m not ready for any of this…” talking to herself as her heart raced in her chest…
“Rei… you can’t do what you don’t attempt.”
She stared… looking behind her… her voice… Mai’s voice…
“Rei… up here, silly!”
Looking up into the branch of the tree… she stared… her heart melting for just a brief instant… the faintest trickle of flame sparking in her frozen soul… as she saw Mai sitting in the branches… smiling down at her…
“Don’t do this to yourself, Rei. I know how you think; that you are destined to be alone… that same old line that Father told us when we were first sent to school. I told you that I wouldn’t let that come true.”
Dez tried to speak… her words frozen in her throat as she teared at the sight of Mai…
“Rei… it wasn’t my destiny to die, just as it isn’t yours to be alone. I choose to die... so my sister could live. Rei… don’t bury yourself with me… I’m dead.”
Choking back the tears… she reached up to touch Mai…
“Rei… live for both of us, and Father’s words will never be true.”
“… M… Mai?!” Dez ran her fingers over the branch where Mai sat… only to have her claws ripple through the image… as Mai faded from her sight…
Her thoughts soared back to her childhood… the days before being sent to their sensei…
* * *
The fire crackled over the willow branches in the fireplace, dancing faint shadows across the walls, softly lighting the carved outlines that walled her home. Dezerei was no older than 8, not even half her father’s height… and Mai was 6. Normally, Mai would still be left at home for two more years, but her father was aging faster than anticipated… growing steadily weaker each day. If Mai did not go to her training now, she would not have the opportunity next year for their father to complete his piece of the ceremony… the fortelling of destinies.
It was the tradition of dragons to have their lives path laid out for them before entering their chosen training… that they would be better prepared to accept the lessons that would be of most value to them. If a dragon did not have this blessing, then he or she was considered to be of a lower caste, not quite a ronin with no master, but an air of uncertainty would hang over their heads as long as they lived… never sure even at their death bed if they had fulfilled their birthright paths.
Their father, Jutinoku, sat on a straw tatami mat… his whitened scales reflecting the light of the fire down his thin, aged arms. His claws rested on his knees, normally shaking from his aging, but holding steadily now as he put every drop of his concentration into the ceremony. His voice, half whispering from his weak lungs, cut through the silence of the room.
“Dezerei… Mai Yonli… my daughters… before I began my training, my father told me of my destiny… that I would be responsible for the destruction of the house of Igoya…” Dez and Mai sat on their tatami as they listened to their father’s words, their thoughts trying not to think of the truth… that they were to hear their destinies from his final parting words. The long fifteen year training would begin in the morning, and their father would not be there when they returned. His time was nearing its end.
“… I have done all that I could to prevent this from happening… and can only conclude that it is through your fates that my destiny will run its course. You girls are my blessings… and I see the contrasts in you as if they were yin and yang… I wish that the fates did not place this curse on you… but it is part of your destinies as well. You, my daughters… will witness the fall of the house of Igoya that our family has served for generations. But… that is my destiny’s fulfillment… not yours.”
Turning to face Mai… his face grew dark… smoke rolling past his lips as his eyes glazed… the flashes of her future glimpsing through his thoughts as the ceremony began in earnest. “Mai Yonli… youngest daughter of the Kochiwa family… yours is a destiny of balance. Your fate is to be the middle ground that seals lives together… you will forever be intertwined with all you meet... and your path is to rejoin those who’s hands have been separated.”
Mai bowed… already knowing that her destiny had started to manifest itself… ending up being the diplomat between disputing hatch-mates in the hillside. It wasn’t a large surprise that her path was to be of a social nature. Mai’s thin frame would never withstand the rigors that her older sister Dez was going to subject herself to… that of the sword. Words were to be her weapons, her tools… her gifts.
Turning to Dez, her father’s eyes glinted as a puff of flame curled across his lips.
“Dezerei… eldest of my daughters… yours… “ Jutinoku’s face turned dark as Dezerei’s future loomed in his thoughts “… is a destiny of sorrow… you will be alone to finish what my destiny has already started… you path will be walked in solitude. You will bring down the final stroke sealing your isolation… and your flame… will be the final light of the house of Igoya.” A look of confusion crossed her face for an instant, before regaining her composure at her father’s words… a roll of smoke swirling over her lips as she bowed… her firey breath much stronger than normal for a dragon of her age, already burning with an intensity of a dragon four years older. Her father’s eyes closed… as his sight returned. A single tear trickled down from his weary, aged face as the ceremony concluded… the only time she had ever seen her father cry.
“… Dezerei… I am sorry to have the fates curse you so… but… it is your destiny.”
* * *
“My… destiny…” Dezerei shook her head as the memory faded… looking up in the tree to see… nothing… just a memory.
‘I haven’t thought about his words in years… not since my fires died in me… not since Mai died…’ Her claws balled up into fists as memories flooded past her eyes, her body shaking a little. ‘I… Mai… you gave me my life that night… I have no right to be bound to a destiny that makes your sacrifice worthless… I can’t…’
A tear rolled down her cheek as she looked around at the reception… knowing what she was about to do…
“I can’t do this… to you, Mai… or to me. I can’t live for a destiny that cannot come true… my flames will never light any house ever again… as they died with you. Father… forgive me… but I cannot walk the path you told me to take. I must walk for my sister as well, and it is for the both of us… that I take the first steps.”
Wiping the icy tear from her chin… she brushed off her kimono… and stepped out from under the tree… walking toward the music… and the small crowd that was gathered in front of the stage. There were murmurs around her, faint whispers as various beings watched her large form walking through the crowd… faintly hearing the questions being whispered, she gazed up at the stage… at a panther dancing to the music, striking the drums in front of him, his white tuxedo shining in the stage lights; a top hat on the stage to his side, thrown off earlier by his swinging and flailing dreadlocks, rolling his head too much with the rhythm of the music. His eyes were closed as he laughingly grinned, sweat coating his brow… even his scent called out to Dezerei… who stood about ten feet in front of the stage… her tail thumping on the ground to the music’s beat… a nervous smile on her face as she watched him… Darren so entranced with the rhythm that he didn’t notice her.
“… The first steps away from isolation… and the first steps toward someone.”
The crowd parted around her, not really sure what to make of this strange sight… a gasp escaping from the onlookers as she took the tanto out from her obi… and set it down at her feet… her tail curling up into a snaking roll above her back, and her wings outstretching as she stood up. She closed her eyes, opening them into narrow glazed pupils… and exhaled a slow mist before her as her hands swept forward, her feet sliding back into a stance… the only dancing she knew… her trained forms… her katas.
“… The only steps that I know how to take… and the only steps I want to take.”
The crowd circled around her as she began moving, her claws swirling in slow strikes, the motions that had been etched onto her very bones from years of training parting through the air around her as she timed her motions to the beat Darren was pounding out… her wings draping around her sides, flaring and sweeping as she shifted her stances. Her motions ranging from quick arcs of her claws to slow extensions of her limbs, her tail curling around and through her legs as she whipped her body around in a spiraling pattern… the crowd, the nervousness, the fear... was nowhere in her thoughts… only the beats of the music… only the teachings of her past… finding the only way she could to express her desire to be here… letting Darren watch her dance for him.
Darren’s eyes were wide… having obviously noticed her when the crowd had gasped. His first reaction was shock, wanting to come down off the stage and make sure she was alright, but his paws had a mind of their own, too entwined with the music to stop, and somehow his limbs aware that he had to stay there… and when he saw her begin to move like that… to watch as her normally silent, short moving, shy… softly curved body… to see her moving with such grace, such purpose… such beauty… he couldn’t stop watching. The fever in his paws shook as he slammed at the drums. His eyes… fixated on her, watching her every motion as if it was meant to be there, every detail… completely mesmerized as his paws moved on their own… pounding the beats in his heart.
Curling her neck, Dez spun in a low sweeping arc, her toes clawing at her tanto on the ground, spinning the sheathed blade in her toes… as her breath spread into the air, spiraling in a white trial of icy fog around her twisting motions. A sharp chill swarmed around her as her wings swept around the circle she was making on the ground with her movements… her breath starting to concentrate in the center… ice building up in layer after layer of controlled release of her breath... a pillar four feet high creeping up into view.
Darren felt the chill sting at his sweat soaked fur, but the boiling fever in his blood wouldn’t be cooled… the sticks in his paws danced harder on the drums, the other members of the band having grown silent in their playing, amazed and stunned by the spectacle… this quiet, reserved… almost unknown dragon… the shy isolated girl… everyone completely entranced. Darren… was mesmerized… music had always been a primal force to him, a calling that beat louder in rhythm than his heart ever could hope to. This… this was more intense than anything he had ever felt… his heart… beating louder than he could pound on his drums.
Renee stood dumbfounded… her jaw dropped wide open as she watched with the rest of the crowd. Dezerei… had never done anything like this… never let herself, no… forced herself to be the center of attention… never moved like this… acted like this. Completely hypnotized, Renee just stared in shock. Monique… seemed to be the only creature stirring in the crowd… smirking to herself as she walked away from the spectacle… knowing exactly what they were saying to each other… and knowing that it needed to be said in their own way.
The pillar reached six feet as Dezerei’s tail curled around the ice… her body diving around the cold monolith, barely missing the ice by fractions of inches as her claws arced past the sides, her wings rolling over the clear crystal. A sudden leap over the ice, her body arching in midair as she cartwheeled over the pillar, her toes kicking the blade free from its sheath, a whistling note piercing the air as it broke free. Landing, her claws outstretched in her open arms… she held her pose for a split second as the knife hung in midair.
Darren’s paws quaked… sensing something so strong… a release he had dreamed of ever since he had pounded his open paws on his first barrel. The intensity of her dance was drawing to a peak… and he felt it… a surge shooting through his senses as he lost the ability to determine which one of them was leading the rhythm… or if they were just both slaves to the primal tempo that was binding their expressions… their communications… their souls. His raised his paws in the air, leaping up three feet above the stage…
Dezerei spun in her tracks, her claws grasping at the air, snatching the hilt of the blade as it landed in her hand, and slashing through the ice in one motion… smoothly arcing through the frozen pillar without a single spray of residue flying off…
Darren landed in a hard pounding shock on the stage, striking the drums with the sticks… just as she made her first slice. There was no one else there… nothing else there… his mind could only recognize three things… the rhythm… her motions… and his soul screaming… all in perfect harmony.
She roared around the pillar, sweeping and slicing through the ice, each stroke intensified with Darren’s pounding beats… each stroke that she had practiced for years… strokes never intended for this purpose… feeling like it was only meant for this purpose. Every motion… every nerve in her body… melted perfectly with his. Nothing else was there, save three things… the intensity… his raw pounding rhythms… and her soul screaming… all in balance with each other.
She spun the tanto into its sheath and leapt onto the ground before the pillar. The sticks in Darren’s paws shattered as he slammed down the final stroke of the drums… panting breathlessly as Dezerei landed with his final beat ringing through the air… her impact on the ground shaking the ice… which crumbled off the monolith… revealing a single carving… a thin, standing torch lamp… with an icy flame held in the rounded bowl... the pedestal sweeping down to the ground. Dezerei stood on one side… panting as she gazed over the icy flames at Darren.
* * *
The crowd erupted from its stunned entranced silence, roaring with intensity… but it was still a minute before either of them could recognize it… hear it over their own volume of wordless conversation… or even move from their locked gazes.
(to be continued…)