Toby

	Jack was trashed and on his knees staring blankly at the toilet seat.  He drank too much again; couldn’t even remember how much he had to drink in the first place.  All he knew was that he had too much, but even that thought wasn’t registering in his mind.  His idiot friends, JC and Davy were in the living room.  JC was buzzing on aderol; a low caliber speed pill, while playing video games.  Davy’s drunken high was beginning to leave, but the stupor which came from drinking was still with him.  He was trying to call his parents for a ride home, but there was no answer.  JC’s brother Toby, the only person who hadn’t taken some kind of mind altering substance, was upstairs angry at this idiot of a brother and his stupid friends.
	He wanted to get the fuck out of there, but he couldn’t.  He was trapped in the apartment with three idiots and no friends to run and escape to.  He had called one of his friends, Kris, earlier, but she was busy getting ready for a trip to Europe.  He didn’t know what to do at this point.  He felt isolated and alone, which bothered him.  He hated feeling like that.  He felt sad about his brother and his friends.  They were ruining their lives at such a young age of 15 to 16.
	“Am I the only sane person left?” he thought to himself while Nine Inch Nails boomed throughout his room.
	No, he didn’t feel sane at all.  In fact, he was completely overtaken by the fear of his future which was only a year away.  He didn’t know what to do anymore and that frightened him.  His head was beginning to ache as the stress built up.  He considered calling Kris again, but decided against it.  As much as he longed to hear her voice and let it soothe him, he knew he couldn’t.  He longed for her touch, for her voice, for her smell, for her smile.  Most would say he just wanted to fuck her, but that wasn’t it.  Love is a word that shouldn’t be used as much as it is, and yet this is what he felt towards her.  He was completely entranced and in love with Kris.  But she was a year older, going away to college soon, and she didn’t feel the same way towards him.
	Crushed is the first word that comes to mind, but that wasn’t what he felt.  He felt as though some higher power has had it in for him from the start.  He felt like nothing he did was good enough for someone out there.  That he wasn’t fit to exist among the human world.  He wanted help from someone, from anyone, but it wouldn’t come to him.  No one wanted to help him.  The façade that was his life grew more and more to everyone surrounding him.  They all thought he was just some hyper kid who didn’t give a shit about anything.  That was how he portrayed himself, because he was too insecure back when he started to do so.  He didn’t want anyone getting to close to him because he was afraid of their touch.
Then he fell in love with a girl named Jamie.  It felt so new and wonderful to him, but it didn’t work.  The seven miles which separated them physically eventually cause their emotional bond to shatter.  It shattered and reformed then shattered again.  Then he met this girl named Dana and he thought he fell in love again.  Circumstance had it that she loved someone else, even though she dated him for a while; even though she had whispered that she loved him a few times in his ear.  But it was only the physical part that she loved.
He swore he wouldn’t let it happen again; he’d felt the hurt enough and he didn’t want it anymore.  Then he and his friend Kris began to do things together.  It wasn’t love, it wasn’t a “relationship” it was just a very close friendship.  She herself described it as ‘a very erotic friendship.’  His touch excited her, and her touch soothed him.  They were like the protons and electrons, which would come together and create a ball of energy.  He didn’t realize it until months after it had all began.  By then it was far too late; nothing could ever happen.  She was going away and he was going to be in the same spot forever.
Back in the world of the apartment, he lay on his bed starring at the ceiling, his headache growing steadily worse.  He got up and went to the small kitchen, which was merely an extension of the living room, and took a bottle of aspirin back to his room.  He took two pills then resumed staring at the ceiling, Nine Inch Nails still booming out his stereo.  He didn’t realize that he was lapsing into a depression.  The only thought that was on his mind was how many aspirin it would take to assure that he would die.  The next thought was of all the people who would actually be hurt by his self destruction.  Not many, but they meant enough to him to keep him from downing the rest of the aspirin in the bottle.
He was beginning to despair over his life.  He felt he was worthless, he felt that his life had no meaning still.  He was afraid of everyone, of everything.  He wanted to get away.  He wanted to run away forever and hide from everyone and every feeling.  He wanted to do something and he still couldn’t.  He wanted help that wouldn’t come.  He wanted love that could not be shared.  He wanted things he could never have.  His control over his mind was becoming weaker; the head ache wasn’t subsiding.  He clutched his hair and threatened it vehemently that he would pull it out.  He stared at the ceiling wide eyed and then his body eased itself as he fell asleep.
Hours later, JC found him lying in the bed, his eyes wide open staring at the ceiling.  Only, where there should have been the whites of his eyes, there was red.  9-1-1 was the first thing that came to mind, but it didn’t matter.  When the paramedics arrived they announced Toby as a DOA; dead on arrival.  They asked if Toby had ever done drugs before in his life.  JC said no.  When an actual doctor took a look at him, he said that Toby had suffered from a brain aneurism and had died instantly and painlessly.

4/4/02