A commentary on the Past 4 years
      By Stephen 'Maus' Garrett
      When did I first become homeless? You know, for someone who was homeless
for over 4 years off and on, it's hard to remember. Sometimes it was my fault,
and other times it wasn't. In the end, I survived. And, in the end, that's all
that matters.
      I believe it began... No, I know it began after I graduated from High 
School. Wanting to stretch my wings, I picked Raleigh, NC. Packing a backpack,
I took my savings of $1500 and moved on out there by Greyhound. Once there, I 
stayed with friends from the net for a few days, then left. It's not that they 
wanted me to leave, but I wanted to be on my own. I found I could pitch a pup 
tent in the forest every night, and still make it to work. I worked hard at 
Papa John's, and they loved me. As for showers... Well, a little known fact is 
that if you have a student ID you can get into the gym. Even if you don't, 
there are showers in the basements of the Chemestry department, and most of 
the buildings are left unlocked all night.
      During this time, I made a lot of friends. As I was taking one or two 
classes, my posing as a student was very easy. I only had to pay for the 
classes, and I got all these wonderful perks! My own computer account... Free 
showers... Free anime... A giant library to crash in... It was so nice...
      During this time, I was having an OL relationship with Cat (Name changed 
to protect the fur). I had been MUCKing for 3 years at this point, but everyone
thought my player was a girl. I, like an idiot, let them think this. So, when 
Cat started asking me to call, I did. And, like an idiot, I disguised my voice.
When I was younger I was very feminine, and was more gay than bisexual, so it 
wasn't hard. Hell, I used to do drag, for fuck's sake! So, one night I was 
doing RHPS and who should show up but Cat. He was so hurt... He'd drove all the
way from Savannah to see me, and found out I was a guy. I tried to tell him I 
only did it so as not to hurt him, but he got very angry with me and drove off 
in a flurry of dust.
      Eventually he forgave me, and wanted the relationship to continue. I had 
decided to go into Job Corps, and left for Clearfield, Utah. While I was there,
he wrote me constantly to let me know I didn't need to be there and he could 
take care of me in Savannah... It was shortly after winning the Utah State 
Olympice in my weight class that, blinded by love, I dropped out of Job Corps 
and hitch hiked for 2 months to see him.
      After a week, he told me bluntly that I had to leave. Apparently he 
didn't want a lover. He wanted a live-in fuck toy who would go out and work 60+
hours a week so he could stay at home and MUCK all day. When it was apparrent I
wasn't about to be his bitch, he promply gave me one hour to pack what I could 
carry on my back and leave or he would have the cops arrest me for tresspassing.
As a final insult to injury, he stole my character on Taps so I couldn't call 
anyone for help.
      So, with tears in my eyes, I headed down to Savannah's Waterfront. With a
sad heart, I ended up at Club One and met a group of gays. They heard my story 
and dried my tears, then, seeing my weakness, took me home and fucked my brains
out. For the next two weeks, I was the slut whore of the club. Every gay man 
threw a rubber on and fucked my tight ass or willing mouth. I was so hurt after
what happened that I didn't care. Anything to erase the pain. But it all came 
to a screetching halt when one of the door people found out I was only 20. As 
quickly as I'd been welcomed, I was tossed out like that night's trash.
      Wincing, I gathered up my backpack and hit the road again. Looking at my 
options, I thought, 'Well, where is a furry to go when they have, truely, no 
where else to go?' Thinking about it, I knew of only one option. What city did 
I know best? Where could I go and get a job? Where was I still concidered a 
student? So, I went back to Raleigh...
      On the trip back, one thing sparks in my memory. Standing on a country 
highway, a sherrif pulls up next to me. After checking my credentials & seeing 
that I wasn't on the lamb (Cops ALLWAYS do this to hitchhikers), he smiled and 
offered to buy me lunch. I thankfully agreed and he took me out to this greasy 
spoon place. After eating, he offered his couch to me to crash for the night 
and his shower and laundry machine to get cleaned & shaved. I thankfully 
accepted and, after getting myself & my clothes all clean, slept soundly. The 
next morning, he took me to the county border and dropped me off. As a final 
gift, he did two things: One, he gave me a carton of smokes and $50 for food, 
and secondly he called all the sherrifs offices in South Carolina to make sure 
I was safe and nothing bad happened to me. I gasped and asked him, 'Why? Why do
this much for me?' His reply still brings a terar to my eye. 'My son was your 
age when he hit the road. Not even two weeks later, some cop shot him dead. 
Ever since then, I look after kids like you that travvel thru my area.' One day,
I want to go back, find that sherrif, and shake his hand in thanks. He was one 
of the few good ones...
      Once in Raleigh, I was welcomed back with open hearts and open arms. Here
I was loved. Here I was welcomed. Here... I could be me. True, I still lived in
a tent, but I was happy. In my loneliness, I happened to meet Bear (Once again,
name changed to protect innocents). I truely cared for Bear. I wouldn't call it
love, but... I did care a great deal for him. We started to date, and... It was
so nice to actually have the semblance of a real life. To do things most people
my age did.
      Sadly, one day he found out I was homeless. It was an accident, really. I
allways carried my pup tent rolled up on my back pack, and one day he opened it
by accident. Upon pressing me further, he finally realized I was homeless. 
Rather than leave me, dear that he was, he started to help me. As I survived 
mostly on old Papa John's pizza and cigarettes, his help was appreciated. So, 
when he bought a house, I gladly accepted his offer to move in. So, as he 
settled the deal, I used my saved money to go to AC 2000, my first furry con. 
No one there knew I was homeless... No one knew that I lived, up to that point,
mostly in a tent. To them I was just happy-go-lucky Rose. And, I have to admit,
that warmed my heart. Many times in the future when life would fuck me hard, I 
would remember that first convention, and smile.
      Upon returning home, I moved in and things, for the start, were nice. I 
paid for food, and Bear paid for everything else. We played OL and off, and I 
brought him into the fandom. About this time I started CarolinaFurs, and I was 
happy. It all started to downward spiral when Dragon (once again... Well, you 
know!) entewred the picture.
      He came into my life and swooned me away from Bear. Once he moved up from
Flordia, he... He started to steal my life. The kicker was at MFm when he came 
to the room -I- had paid for and he was staying in for free... He then came to 
the Con Suite where I was working and accused me of stealing a ring of his. It 
was quickly found (it had fallen behind the dresser), and he snorted, 'Well, 
being that you were homeless, I wouldn't put it past you.' to everyone in the 
room, including some of the staff.
      I was heartbroken. That was a secret I'd guarded with my life, and by the
end of the con most furs there knew my darkest secret. Within two weeks of 
returning from the convention, Bear informed me I had to leave. He would pay 
for me to move anywhere I wanted, but that thanks to Dragon, there was no 
longer a place for me in NC...
      With a sad heart, I kissed him goodbye and left. As I left, Dragon stood 
there with a smug look on his face. Within a week after I left, he'd stolen my 
spot in NC and taken over my life completly. As far as anyone was concerned, it
was like I'd never left. That's what hurt most of all...
      So, I travelled to Flordia. It was in Flordia that I met Fox ('Nother 
name change). He offered me a room in his trailer. So, getting a job at a local
convience store, I began slaving for 70+ hours a week, and some weeks working 
over 100+ hours a week. At first I didn't realize it, but after two months I 
realized I was getting milked. Not only was I paying ALL the bills, paying for 
ALL the food, and paying for two phone lines & the internet, I was also paying 
for all his old debts. When I quit my job after a frightening robbery where I 
nearly got killed. I was told point blank to get another job or move out.
      So, packing what I could carry, I once again hit the road, this time for 
Tallahassee. His final insult to me was to file a false police report against 
me saying I stole $200 from him. He did this to try to milk me dry of what 
little money I had left. After spending the night in jail, I was able to prove 
the charges were false and was released. The exactness of the amount combined 
with his parents saying that was the exact needed for rent proved he was lying.
To my knowledge, I was not the first he did this to, and I most likely will not
be the last.
      So, I spent some time in Tally homeless. In that time, I got my licence 
in tattooing and piercing from Adam West, and chckled. I'd never get to use it,
but at least I'm licensed, damnit! Afterwards, I got bored... Baliey kept 
telling me to check out Atlanta, so, on her word, I proposed the idea to 
friends OL. I'd been living on the streets in a VERY unfriendly town, so many 
of my friends helped me get to Atlanta and, once there, put me up in a Hostel 
for 3 weeks. While there, I re-met Bailey and met Charles.
Ah, Bailey... She was... Is my ex-wife. I first met her first when I was in NC 
doing Rocky Horror. At first, we were friends. Then, she moved back to Atlanta,
yet we kept in contact thru e-mails. Throught the entire relationship, I kept 
it private from the fandom. But then again, there's a lot I keep secret from 
people. It's how I am...
Anyhow, when I ended up in Atlanta, we re-met. Once we did, it was... Oh, the 
happiness I felt. We fell in love and quickly made plans to marry. Yes, stupid 
of me, but I was blinded in love. That and the fact that she got pregnant with 
my child made it so that we wed. But, wedded bliss was not to be had.
      From the get-go, there were problems... She never forgave me for being 
Jewish. Also, she was Poly while I tended to be monogamous. I let her go and 
have fun, as long as she came back to me. On Halloween, it all came to a 
crushing end. She met this guy and vanished. I searched everywhere, frantic for
three days as I tried to find her... Finally, three days later she showed up 
with the guy in toe at 5:30 in the morning. Tossing the wedding ring in my 
sleed-deprived face, she coldly commented, "I found someone to replace you, 
Maus. Call me back when you grow a dick."
      At first, I thought she was joking. But then she went into the living 
room with him and proceeded to have the loudest sex imaginable. This woke up 
not only my room mate at the time, but also his wife and their 7 year-old 
daughter. The daughter then walked in and saw this... He apologized to me, but 
told me that thanks to my wife's antics I had until 5 PM to move out.
To be honest, I still do not blame Charles, but I was homeless again. As soon 
as the wedding was anulled, she then had a pagan wedding with 'her true 
soulmate' not even a week after the ink had dried on the annulment papers. 
After this, she made it her personal mission to drive me to suicide. She nearly
succeeded, too. But, luckily, on the advice of Brom, I moved to the West Coast.
It was here I hoped to escape the whore and her manipulative ways. As a fianl 
kicker, not only had she convinced the idiot that my child was his, as a final 
show of how much she wanted to hurt me, she did all the drugs & alcohol she 
could find until she killed our child. That... Hurt...
      After the Baliey incident, I at least knew one thing... I was very much 
straight. I loved pussy, and for the longest time I had rarely experienced it. 
Once moving to the West coast, I quickly rectified that. While I may have been 
homeless, at least I could spend the occasional night snuggling a cute girl. I 
had little in the way for food, but at least i had an armory to sleep in, and 
a few friends to turn to. God bless Chip Unicorn and Wombat... They were dear 
friends and I love them both. After a time, Brom invited me up to celebrate 
X-mas with him since my Hannukah was so shitty. As such, I scrounged up bus 
fare and Greyhound-ed my way up to Seattle.
      Once in Seattle, I snuggled Brom over in Bremerton, but... After the 
holidays passed I felt Seattle calling me... Singing like a siren to come 
explore her. So, telling Brom I was heading back, I crossed the ferry into my 
new home. I arrived New Year's Eve and made my way over to say hello to Ashley.
Hugging her, I told her of my plans, then scurried off to the TrowelHouse 
party. Afterwards, I slept for a few cold hours in the park. With no tent, this
was going to suck FAST. But, I was happy living on the Ave. I got on food 
stamps, and I met lots of girls. I found myself a small blanket and also a 
small mouse hole to sleep in. And after getting the job with the needle 
exchange, I settled happily into being homeless on the Ave. It was nice as 
there was food, cigs to bum, and a safe place to sleep at night behind a church.
The church knew I slept there, but didn't care. It was their Mitzvah to let me 
sleep there, if you will. The cops knew and didn't care since the church didn't
care, so it was all good. It all crashed to an end when I saw the guy get shot 
on the Ave. After that, I winced and tried to find a spot. My current roomie 
came up to bat, and it's been here that I've stayed since.
      My life has never been an easy one. Many furs despise me for who and what
I am... Others know me as the nice, happy fur who makes everyone happy. In the 
end, it all boild down to one thing: I'm still alive.
      This seems an odd thing to think, but to me it isn't. My childhood was 
never a plesant one. I grew up in a dangerous area, my best friend and my first
love were both killed, and I could do nothing to help them. My father and 
grandfather were both child mollesters, and abused me and my siblings regurally.
And, thought my whole life, real friends have been far and few between.
      So, after all this and even more things that I either can't remember or 
that hurt too much even now to share, am I still alive and somewhat normal? To 
be honest, I don't know. The point I think I'm trying to make is that no matter
what, one thought kept me going. The one thought that even now when life hurts 
so much that tears can't stop the pain... The thought that warms my heart and 
steels my courage... That if I die, they win. All those who hate me. All those 
who swore my marriage woundn't last and celebrated when it didn't... All those 
who spit in my face andwish me death... All those who want me to die cold and 
alone... If I die, they win. I think that thought keeps me going most of all. 
That and the hope that someday I may have a happy life... The one I allways 
picture in my mind... Me married with kids all around and a loving wife by my 
side... It's not a bad dream... Simple, actually, but it's MY DREAM! That's all
I want, in the end... A happy life... I just pray that, some day, I'll have it...