COUNTRY.TXT - May 11, 1999

Some funny things about living in the country. Contains Gay and Zoo references. Those are not spelling errors but written dialect. 

Howdy all. My name is Harrlson Thomasville Puhsr. That's Phuccer. Mother liked
looking at catalogs, so we all got Funny Names - My brother, Sears Wards, got a
lot of teasing when we was growin up, but Muhthr got it the worst.

I wus listenin to the radio - We ain't backwoods folk ua know.. We got Indoor
Plumin.. Mind ya gotta carry the water from the well to fill things, And we all
like to gather round to watch the water disappear out the sink. And we got
Toilets in Our outhouses, all 6 of'em! I went to the City to visit my Cusin
once.. He had a newfangled one - You know, it has water in it.. Well now - He
forgot ta tell me this lil fact. So I go trapsing in this here little room, and
sit myself down to think about things - Like How they got hot water ta come out
that little knob.. I tried it at My cusin's and it worked fine. So I bought one
afore I left the city, and put it on Our sink at home.. And it didn't give no
Hot Water. 

But anyhow, I'm a doing my business and I notice there ain't no catalogs, nor
corncobs, nor much of anything else to clean up with.. Just this roll of paper.
Now I ain't a greedy cuss like some but I bet I had to use a half-dozen of them
little squares afore I was done. I was about to stand up when I noticed this
handle-thingie sticking out the side there. So I fiddled with it a bit, until I
noticed it went down.. Now I have Heard of trap-doors, but in a Toilet? "City-
Folk.." I mutterd and pushed it all the way down.

Well now I tell ya there commenced a whooshing noise from under me, and while I
am as Brave as the next guy, I have a Vested Interest in the parts dangling
down in there! So I jumped up and waddled out of that room as fast as I could..
I was Sure Glad the only person there was Tommmy. Tommy is My Cusin's
'Boyfriend' - Now That's somethin I can't understand...

I mean - He ain't no boy, even if he Was a little sissy-like, but I don't hold
that against him.. Reginald is a sissy-like guy. He is quiet and likes to
garden and sew, but he comes to church every Sunday, and the Only guy I know
who slapped a Grizzly. The blame-fool thing wandered into his House without
wiping it's feet.. We could hear him clear over ta our side of the Hill - "You
Mangy Little Monster! Get out of here with those dirty paws!" By the time we
got down there, that poor bear had been beat six ways from Sunday.. That animal
came flyin past us with Very distinct hand prints all over it's rump, and in
the ddoorway was Reg - His hat was knocked to one side, his skirt was askew and
he had a death grip on a broom-handle. And I got lots of Men Friends.. Must be
one of them City things.

And he was Real Understandin.. When I came out and told him what happened he
just stood there with his jaw open and hs eyes kinda bugging out. I didn't even
notice I hadn't pulled my britches up unti I felt a cool wind on my backside. I
was gonna bend over and grab my pants, but he said he would do so.. He knelt
right down and Grabbed me! He pushed and pulled and fondled.. He even licked me
once or twice.. Said he wanted to make sure everything was ok. I was More than
ok by the time he got done checkin and hauled my breeches up, but I didn't want
to say nuthin.. I mean he was kind enough to hold me while he did up the
zipper. "So it won't get caught." Now if That ain't Neighborly, I don't know
what is.

He got to looking kinda hang-dog so I promised him he could check on me
whenever I was done using the bathroom.. He hugged me so tight I lost my
breath. Then he grabbed my back-pockets and said "Thank You." I don't know for
what.. Any Man who thinks enough of another to Hold him so it doesn't get
caught in the zipper, is a Good Man in My Book! 

But I got off the path here - I was listening to the radio and someone was
talking about automobiles.. Did I ever have sex on one? No.. The closest I
Might have gotten was trying to haul Bessie to the Market. She was almost as
cantankerous as Ma.. Got her about halfway up into the bed and she decided she
Wasn't going to go. I grabbed ahold of the sides of the truck and Shoved
against her. She shoved right back.. So I was a pushin and She was a Pushin, I
was a pushin and She was a Pushin... By the time I got her loaded up, I had a
Real hankerin for a cigarette. Maybe I should have had Uncle Jebidah help me.

That man can out-stubborn a Mule, if He has to plow the field himself!
Sometimes I do wonder about him tho - He milks All the cows by hand. Every
morning and every evening he is out there, rubbing their udders and playing
with their teats.. But he gets Lots of Milk so who's to say. Of course, he Is
only human.. One morning we awoke to a bellowing and a grunting.. I grabbed my
coveralls and headed out the door - There was Uncle Jeb. And there was one of
our bulls... His eyes were bugged out, his back legs were kinda askew, and Jeb
was sitting on a milking stool. "Uncle Jeb... That there is a Bull." He just
nodded.. "Uncle Jeb..?" He snorted, "I known that since the sun came up enough
fer me to see it was a Bull.. But Bull or Cow, once I start milkin 'em they Are
going to fill this here bucket or I will know Why!" At least it was the 1-
gallon pail and not the 5-gallon bucket.

Now we don't waste nothin on the farm, and That batch was headed for the
Creamery anyway so... They wrote to us later and said that batch was the
Creamest Butter they ever made. But that poor bull just wasn't the same after
that.. Every morning he was out in the yard standing next to the Milking stool,
holding that pail in his mouth.. We finally gave him to Reginald, who said he
would be More than Happy to take care of the poor animal. Reg did walk a little
funny for a while afterwards, but I have gotten That Problem before. I mean I
never met such a friendly cuss when I got a splinter in my butt.. He insisted I
drop my coveralls right then when I mentioned it. And he was Real Thurough..
Made sure it was out and kissed the spot 'To make it Better' And rubbed my rear
Real Good to make sure there weren't no others..

Welp.. best be gettin out and seeing what Uncle Jeb is up to. Last time he was
showing the Mule how to - You know.. With the Jenny. Said he would keep doin it
until that Mule got it Right.. I don't have the heart to tell him the Mule's
done been fixed. 

The End.. Fer Now