DIATRIB2.TXT By SwampRat (cl) 1998 Gay Furry Association Recipes - or How To Burn Water As I sat and watched a fox eat my last creation, I thought I might pass a few words on to you who believe a Microwave is one of the basic food groups. If you can put water in a pot, and keep a half-way open eye on it, you can cook. If you don't want to wade through all the stuff to get to my Veggie Noodle recipe, it's at the bottom of the page. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I. Beginnings or 1 Pot, 1 Bowl, 1 Spoon isn't enough anymore Find a 1 Gallon Pot with a Lid. Mom may help with this, or you can go to the nearest Mart and get one fairly cheap. Use this for anything that won't fit in your saucepan - better to have room than to have to wash the spill over from the stove/hotplate. 2 Oven Mitts - Hotpads are for those who are very good with their hands or like to get burned. Mitts that go up to your elbows also help with STEAM, which will burn you as bad if not Worse than the pot. You can get a Hotpad to put the Pot on when you are done, But the Stove is better. A Collander, and a Slotted Spoon - fancy words for simple tools. A Collander is a drainer made of plastic or metal mesh that you pour things into to remove excess water. A slotted spoon is one that has holes in it (I guess marketing a Holy Spoon Didn't go over well). The spoon can be used for small portions (Why drain a cup of water off?), for testing how done noodles are - fish a noodle out, let it cool a moment, taste. When it is as rubbery or squishy or turned to taste as you like stop cooking. Same with vegetables (Canned are already cooked so ignore this). You can of course Taste your entire dinner out of the pot, but that is tacky. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= II. Seasonings - What to put on that Case of Elbow Macaroni Tub'O'Spread - Get the House brand unless something is on sale (If you can afford Butter, you can afford Cook Books). Ketchup - Covers a multitude of sins and tastes pretty good by itself. House brand sometimes tastes better and is always cheaper. Soy Sauce - I use Kikoman because I like the flavor it imparts. Get a Small Bottle or borrow some from a friend and taste before you buy. Minced Onion - Fairly strong so be careful using it. Add a little time for it to absorb water. The powdered version is ok too. Minced Garlic - very strong if in a jar. Powder is a little better but use sparingly. Salt - Season Salt, or Plain salt will do for All recipes. It is easier to regulate the other seasonings by adding them separately. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= III. RAMEN Staple food for those who Can't cook Rice. Comes in many flavors, can be eaten as a soup, or drained and used as noodles. But add some veggies and You have a Meal. You can use fresh, but I Am talking to the 'Single - No Lover' types. Read more about veggies here. The broth is High in salt but Good with day-old pizza, and you can carry one around in your jeans - Keep a zip-lock bag with a few and a coffee cup handy for something good anytime. Just make sure the water is HOT and you use To taste.. Then again anyone who would eat 'Chinese Lava Flavor' has no taste. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= IV. RICE - Too Simple for Words Rice is a mainstay in many places.. and some Asian countries too. Forget names, and sizes - If it's not 'Instant', Wash it. if you like sticky globs, ignore last sentence. If it says, 'No-Wash' try a 1/2 cup and see what happens. Buy a small amount at first, and experiment.. If you are a connesur - California Long Grain. Cooking - Write this on your forehead: 2 Water, 1 Rice. The ratio is the same for 1 tablespoon or 20 quarts. Again, the water is boiling... Add seasonings (That leftover pouch of soy-sauce, use a little at first, you can add more later), those veggies I talked about earlier, Some of that Tub'O'Spread, Salt, Pepper, Spices, Dic.. Scratch that last one unless you cook in the nude. As soon as the water boils, add the rice, put a Lid on it, turn the fire off and come back in half an hour or so. No water should be left, and the rice should be tender. If I can do it You can do it. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= V. Veggies - Cheap, Easy, Quick (Sounds like my last date) Vegetables.. You could buy canned, but Why? The water's hot, get frozen and do away with cans! Get what you like, and if something catches your eye - Try it. You can Always find a neighbor or a neighbor's dog if it doesn't turn out. Keep that tub of 'Spread' handy. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= VI. At last - A Recipe! This is how I do mine - Change as you like... Fill at least a 2 quart pot almost full of water (Leave a couple of inches so it doesn't boil over). You want to use something big enough to hold everything. Bring water to boil. Add Seasoned Salt, Kikoman Soy Sauce (Brewed Soy gives it a different flavor - taste before you use), package of Frozen Veggies (I use an Oriental Blend that has Green beans, Onions, Mushrooms). Put the lid on and cook until the veggies are Tender. Add package of Noodles (I use Wide Egg Noodles). Put the lid back on, Cook until noodles are done. Drain the batch into a collander (If you want to be Fancy and use the lid, Don't scream too loud). If you put the pot back on the stove, make sure the burner is OFF. Anything that sticks to the sides can be gotten later. Put 1 cube or a Slotted Spoon's worth of the Spread into the pot. Put the Noodle/Veggie Combo back into the pot. Stir it until no spread is visible and everything looks good. Taste to see of you need Salt, Ketchup or the Neighbor's Dog to hide the crime. Refrigerate leftovers (if any). =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= VII. Heating leftovers the lazy gourmet way Be Damnded Careful doing this.. A spatula is better than a faceful of hot oil. Practice with an empty dry pan and lid until the tossing motion feels good, and do it slow the first few times. Once you get used to the technique you can use it for eggs, pancakes, anything that needs to be turned in a skillet. * * * * In a non-stick skillet (They call them saute pans but don't be fooled), heat a pat of spread until it melts, turning the pan so it gets all over. If it is a big pan, use 2 pats. You can use a Spray if you like. If you use oil you will have to watch it like a hawk - We are warming up, not frying.. Add enough cold VeggieNoodle to cover the pan evenly. Cover with a lid and let sit a minute or 2. Now comes the secret - Get an oven mitt, 2 if the handle is hot, and holding the lid, Toss the pan up and towards you a little - Don't let go of either Pan or Lid! Let it back down... Do this a couple of times then shake it to settle things (If you practice this for a while you can do it without the lid, but I prefer Not to have everything all over the wall). You can look to make sure it's not clumped to to one side, and spread it out if it is. Continue until it smells wonderful, everything is warm but not browned, and enjoy.