ERG.TXT - Satire - September 05, 2002

By SwampRat
(cl) 1998 Gay Furry Association

A few thoughts about cavemen shared with Krahnos, Feel free to run with the concept. Or just run away ;>

Erg awoke as he always did - Blasting a fart that would have singed hair.. If he had any between his cheeks. Horny Bronto's would sometimes pass by, searching for the elusive dino who made that provocative sound. He scratched.. Out of habit. No Flea or Tick stood a chance of digging through the grime. And if they did they would break their beaks on skin harder than granite. He went to the entrance and Stretched.. This was a warning that everything below had better run - fast! Scratching his butt, he let go with a stream that etched the stone wall and made the hole at the bottom a little deeper each day.

After doing this he went down to a bare spot and let go a pile of steaming dung.. Flies miles away came buzzing to the spot - To sit like the beetles and plants, waiting until the Fissionable material had cooled down enough to be safely handled. When a brave soul finally poked the pile and didn't lose anything they doled it out in Tiny Balls.. The plants were Very lush around Erg's Cave, Too lush. Any plant-eater that came close was buried in foliage, begging to be eaten as new shoots popped up on top of new shoots. Sunlight was fought over like a designer dress found at a rummage sale.

Erg, completely unaware of the eco-system he was fostering, picked up his spear and walked down the path made when grass uprooted itself lest those feet touch them.. As he made his way down to the stream he drank out of, the 'man' would belch - A Dinner bell for vultures and other scavangers. They circled, keeping a safe distance, knowing sooner or later Something would die.. And Something did - A Sabre-tooth had found this hunter's paradise and was carving a niche out for himself among the local fauna. He was up on a branch when he heard Erg coming down the path.. The cat should have known better when a soft breeze carried the scent up - which promptly made his whiskers curl and his nostrils shut tight.

But he was young and full of himself and wasn't going to allow Anything impinge on His territory! He stretched out, ready to leap down, despite his eyes watering, when Erg lifted both arms and stretched again. Bark peeled, Insects dropped from the sky, and the tiger fell down the tree like a rag-doll, unable to handle the toxicity level in the air. Erg heard the noise and turned, to look at the cat. 

"Pretty.." He breathed, reaching a hand out... The dead body not only jerked away from bodily contact, it literally jumped into the bushes. Erg scratched his head, sparks setting a piece of dry grass alight. Erg continued down the path, letting another *Bronk* so full of methane a patch of dirt hit combustion level and burned for a good 5 minutes. He liked this place to come and drink.. There were no other animals around it. He would sit on a rock and foxes would weep because there was No Way they could compete with That Smell. Skunks would get out of His way, pulling kits back until he was safely gone.

Erg had Once fallen in a river many years ago.. It threw him back on the shore. Rain would fall all around him but not a drop touched that oily, dirty hide.

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Once a hungry dino came upon his track. It was new to the area or it would have known better. It spied Erg standing as he did sometimes when something was bothering him.. Today it was - What to do with Hands. They hung off his arms. Were good for stuffing things in his mouth, scratching at his side and helping him jerk-off a dozen times a day. But he wasn't hungry, horny or itchy so what to do with them.. The big carnivore stalked him despite many 'Pssst' and 'Hey Stupid' being tossed his way. With a roar it jumped out of the brush, head swinging down to take a big bite.. out.. of...

The gums pulled back lest they come in contact with the hide a rhino couldn't scratch. The teeth rebelled, falling out after being pressed to the filthy pelt - those that didn't simply break off. It's tongue jerked back after almost touching the creature.. And it's tiny brain grew 10 times larger as it figured out What it had almost bitten and Ran to the closest stream to wash it's mouth out with swamp mud.

Erg turned, noted the teeth, the tracks.. Shrugged. Then decided he was both hungry And horny. So he grabbed a handful of leaves to chew on while he jerked off - coating several bushes and creating hundreds of mutations from most anything the aphrodesiac touched.. That was the Other thing that the denizens around Erg's cave were - Oversexed. A semi-cult had arose from Erg's magic elixir being rained down so often.. and the worshippers gathered around their Idol ( From a distance ) to collect whatever he deemed worthy to spray, splatter or spew along the ground.

In fact, most of the creatures that Scientists can't figure out probably came from 2 or 3 different creatures who didn't care if you were reptile, mammal, avian or even Breathing - as long as you could be pinned and mated with after some of Erg's sperm got ingested by careless or unwary beings. And fertility was almost assured..

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Many people say Man domesticated wolves with food, or perhaps with other methods - Erg did so with a fart. He was bending down to look at Something ( Which was probably doing it's best to Run Away ) and was showing off his assets which a canine passing by saw and somehow mistook for something edible. Or perhaps he was getting territorial.. Nothing stays on My ground without My say so. For whatever reason he stalked up to this being and seeing him bent over opened his muzzle wide to chomp on those fat cheeks..

Reaching to get a good bite of that tempting ass, he got the full brunt of the noxious wave that ripped from between the cheeks. His bristling fur went down, half of his pelt falling off. Fleas exploded in tiny pops on his hide, as smoke curled out his ears, brain frying. His eyes crossed, and as Erg turned his tail wagged.. 

"Dog." Erg said, and patted the now thoroughly trashed canine. It whined, ate some fruit, some leaves, something that neither he Nor Erg knew what was - but it sure made them feel good! After that Erg had a companion.. All the other wolves mourned their friend, but kept a safe distance as the canine became much like his master.. Eating anything that tasted good, leaving methane clouds that exploded into fireballs at the slightest hint of heat. Urinating a toxic acid stream that etched rock. And the other wolves got jealous as Hell.. I mean look at him - he doesn't hunt yet eats all the time. He doesn't have an Alpha wolf biting his ass but still gets to cum daily..

Ok so it's being jacked-off, but When you are young and your balls are bigger than your brain, Any excuse to get off is Good. And the Amount... Nobody bothered him, Nobody hassled him.. Sure he was brain-dead. Ok he licked his nuts in Public. But Dammit - to be him for just one Day...

So they raided Human camps. Not for food, but to find themselves 'Masters'.. And while Bronk was away hunting, Soft Doe was making Real Good Friends with those curious canines with the long hot tongues and the big.. But that is another story. And of course Bronk was finding out the She-wolves were curious also.. Hey - No pups, Really well hung and Oh, what those Humans could do with their forepaws!

And for now that ends our little tail. Erg was quite content to live his days with Dog until he caught a cold and died - Remember, in those days germs were Mean. And was buried.. In a somewhat shallow grave - Dog wasn't really into Digging and Erg Was kinda tall ( and Wide ) for his species. And after scraping his paws to the bone he had to drag, tug, pull, cajole, shove, push.. Oh to hell With it! And left the body - Which was promptly run over by a large herd who saw a bright star shining in the East.. But that too is another story.

The End