I was sitting in my parlor one night reading from an odd old tomb called "Ziuq Pop Eht",

A Funny Thing Happened When I Caught the Parlance

Fun with Words

G. G. Guydish

I was sitting in my parlor one night reading from an odd old tome called "Ziuq Pop Eht", when a thought suddenly went scampering through my head. I quickly jumped up and grabbed my hat. Placing it upon my head and tilting toward my right side I was able to capture it as it slipped out my upturned left ear, like sailors sliding off the deck of the Titanic. Grasping this thought with both hands I turned it about, over & over & looked inside. There a most peculiar message was printed. It read thus: "He's a cranky, crotchety, curmudgeon, a chromedome who's name begins with a cue." Having never met the man, I couldn't judge his appearance, but it seemed wise to bring this message to my mentor, the wise & powerful Professor Xander Chromedomium, since it's seemed his parlance. As his parlance is clearly recognizable by its blue stripes & spotted wings, I knew I had to catch the ride as long as it was being offered. Grabbing my robe I slipped it over my shoulders & hopped astride the Professors parlance. Quickly, quickly did the parlance jump, through the window & into the still night air. I thought of the Professor & his unique abode and there we were! The parlance's mighty talons resting on the roof. Seeing no way down I quickly sang a dirge & then climbed down it & rapped on the Professors door. When I heard his ascent to enter I unwrapped the door & quickly climbed his ascent. There, in his study did I find the Professor, after a quick search under the furnishings, asking them to kindly move about. And I fell upon my question. The Professor let out a hearty guffaw at my clumsiness and welcomed me to his home. Lying upon the floor I looked up at him askance, (fortunately he did not take offense as askance is one of his favorite delicacies), and said to him thus: "Professor Chromedomium, I have caught the most imaginative thought!" He exclaimed, "Don't come near me then, I don't need what's been catching!" I laughed at his joke as the floor got up from me. Standing once again I showed him my thought & what was written inside. "How extraordinary!" He exclaimed as he put the light out so he could see better. "It's a good thing you brought this to my attention. It is a pity that my attention is out in the yard now, however." "Sorry to hear about your attention," came my reply, "But could you tell me the answer, please?" "Ahhh! Now I see the conundrum!" He exclaimed with a shout. And with that he bounded out of his chair, pounding the conundrum with the heel of his shoe. The conundrum squealed & scampered away hiding in the arms of the lamp. The Professor turned slowly back to me, then stopped & turned the slowly back the way it had been. He said to me thus: "If you want to know the answer to the question, you must first know what the question is! And that is quite a different animal!" We both paused to watch the animal stride across the carpet for a moment & then he continued. "Let us go to the desk & research it." When we walked over to the desk the Professor pulled out a whistle & at the sound of its note the books upon it all wagged their tales and scampered over to him. The dictionary ran to the note & started to chew on it. The Professor took the note away from the dictionary and let it fly away, where it perched on top of the bookcase. Slipping a hyperbole from his pocket he fed it to the dictionary & opened its pages. "First, we must understand the words." He said absently. The words falling to the floor, forgotten. "Cranky, who's root word is Crank, obviously means the question is referring to a machine of some type. Cee?" Says the Professor as he refers to the thought I caught. "He's a crank!" He cries out in some measure of triumph. As triumph is my favorite ale, I quickly drink down his measure of it. Next, the Professor turns to a new page. He asks the page to go fetch him some dinner & the page tips his hat as he strides from the room. "Now, let's continue the hunt for the meaning!" At his suggestion I don my hunting cap & go looking about the room for his meaning. While I am so preoccupied he spies another entry in his dictionary, without the entry being aware of it I am sure, as he is a very good spy, and proceeds to decipher the next part of the question. "The core word for Crotchety is Crotch, defined here as 'a pole with a forked end', while the last part of the word, Ety, refers to my grandmother which is clearly irrelevant! HAH! So we have discovered the next clue!" He declares as he reaches for my captured thought once again. I hear his shout from across the room, as I have successfully cornered his meaning at the top of the drapes. Just as I am about to pile some corners together to climb up to get it, the Professor continues with his revelation, for the page has returned with his dinner. After the Professor has supped, he reaches for the dictionary again, but it has gotten up and wandered off. Sternly he cries out to it and it returns to his feet whimpering slightly. Bending down the floor releases it into his waiting grasp. The Professor tickles it's spine to relax it, then opens to a new page. The page jumps out of the book and scampers off, knocking over my pile of corners and allowing the meaning to escape. I set about looking for the meaning once again & feel a much better chance of success as my about picks up its scent. "Well, Cur is the first part of the word, so we must be referring to an animal, and Mud is pretty clear as well. Now, Geon is a tough nut to crack." And putting thought to deed he picks up a large mallet and begins hammering on the Geon. After much work, the Geon finally cracks & the Professor makes quick work of the meat contained within. My about is yapping excitedly now as it scratches at the door to a cupboard, whining as it tries to get inside. Never one to pass up a free drink, I take the Whine & quickly take a sip. After a few swallows I decide to have a seat as the search for the meaning seems fruitless somehow. But the swallows fly off with my seat as I seem to have no fruit. Seeing no recourse, I drink some more whine and go over to sit upon the recourse. It is a very tame recourse and allows it, breathing softly in slumber. The Professor meanwhile has been continuing to name the question. "Chromedome. He says patently. The patent is clearly there to protect the word. "The root word is Chrome, referring to an alloy of Chromium and as that's my name it is clearly the most important part of the puzzle. And Dome, a hemispherical structure." He looks up at me in triumph. I don't mind if he drinks a little while he works, I think to myself as I finish off my whine. The recourse wakes up and I slide off it's back as it sits up & begins scratching itself. Since I lost my perch I decided I had better find it and went casting about the room again, looking for it. The Professor gamely continues with solving the question. "So, here is what we have so far." He states as he reaches for my thought again. "He's a crank, a pole with a forked end, a mongrel animal in mud in an (apparently) chromium alloyed dome like structure. We need merely decipher this last part & I think we shall at last have it!" The it, wily as ever, jumped out his head & ran across the page. The page grabbed the it & put it back into the sentence, where it belonged. "Who's name begins with a cue." Ruminates the Professor. When he's done, he looks up 'Cue' in his book. "The simplest answer is that the machine begins with a "Q". But as the answer is simple, asking it won't do any good. We shall just have to ask the machine what its name is & then we will have arrived at the answer without involving the simpleton!" I hear him shout out as my hook snags the perch. Pulling along the line I come to the perch but as I hold it in my hand & slip the hook from its mouth, it flies away! I stare up at it in consternation, then move the consternation aside so I can see the perch better. It flutters around the room before arrowing out the window. With the window arrowed out it has no choice but to remain in the room & so settles atop the bookcase. My eyes widen in shock when I realize it is sitting next to the meaning as it chews up the little note! Remembering my hunting cap is still upon my head, I remove it and try to gather the meaning in its folds. But the gather will have no part of it and steams off in a huff. As the steam clears from the room the Professor shouts out, "I have got it!" I rush over to see what he has, but it is only the it again and he is stuffing it back into it's sentence. "Have you made any progress on the question?" I ask plaintively. Plaintively shrugs his shoulders so I turn back to the Professor & ask him. He looks at me cockeyed for a moment then takes the cock out of his eye. "The answer is simple, it's the question that's hard." And with that he raps me on the head with it, saying "We will build the machine & ask it its name." He gathers the items he needs and sets to work. I notice with some jealousy his gathers are very well behaved & do as he asks with very few of them driving off in huffs. After a few moments he has a magnificent chromed dome with a cur in mud inside it, connecting the forked pole to the crank on the outside of the machine. Turning the handle we hear the cur being pushed about by the pole in the mud. The sound it makes is quite disturbing, and it makes us quite queasy to hear it, but it instantly gives us the answer to the question. The sound, being a very good & obedient sound runs up to us with the answer in it's mouth and lays it upon the floor for us to cee. And cee we do as we listen to the "Qqquuuaaagggllle" sounds of the cur being pushed through the mud coming from the machine. "AH HA!" Shouts the Professor. "I told you we just needed to ask the machine & it told us its name!" "Quagle is the answer?" I reply in perplexity. Seeing that the Professor couldn't hear me, I climbed out of the perplexity and stood before him. Shouting over the noise of the machine I asked again. "Of course!" Came his emphatic reply. His reply emphatically flying across the room to hit the wall & slide to the floor. He stopped turning the crank & grabbed his dictionary before it could scamper off again. Opening the book he immediately grabbed the page to prevent it running off and read me the definition of 'Quagle'. "The root of Quagle is clearly Quag referring to a marsh, or bog which the machine has certainly been pushing the cur through!" "My Dog! That’s brilliant!" I exclaim, and it certainly was. I had to shield my eyes until it dimmed. I removed my shield and taking a firm grasp on the answer, shoved it inside my thought. "I can't thank you enough Professor Chromedomium! I would never have gotten that answer in a million years." Million Years would never sell an answer like that, and I wasn't about to ask them for one. The Professor replies, "It's simple really, you just have to ask the right questions. That's half the fun!" With that I took my half of the fun and made my way down his ascent back to the door. Before stepping out I donned his nephews' dog & hunched it about my shoulders. Wrapping the door behind me quietly so as not to disturb the Professor again, I caught my way back to my flat on a friendly passing Tarot. It swooped me gently to my door & I tipped it for which it was grateful as it had been on its side all day. Returning to my parlor I slipped out of my robe and sat back in my chair. Holding the thought in my lap, I waited until I was.