Meat pies and Sausages Adaptation by Todd Little 1) Wide shot of forest with a hole in the side of a tree root mound 2) Zoom into cave 3) Virginia, plump, sitting, looking out cave 4) Looks down at Randy sleeping between her and the wall on a matted nest of leaves, needles, and wildflowers. Her stomach growls 5) V whines and licks her chops as she looks longingly at R. 6) V: “Shhh, now. Would it be such torture for you to be quiet for just a few hours longer, my disgruntled stomach. Keep that up and you will surely wake the foxy, and we all know he needs plenty of his well deserved rest if he is ever going to keep you good and full. Ooo, yes, yes, look at him curled up here. He looks so peaceful and content, does he not? I bet I could slip his tail and feet into my maw and… Oh, no, no. Must not think those thoughts. No… Still… Oh, well. I guess there is only one recourse, else… oh perish the thought.” V nudges R R: “*yerf*?” V: “Randy, darling. Sorry to interrupt whatever you were dreaming, really I am, but this is somewhat urgent. At least I feel so considering the thoughts I have been having recently, which I must say are surely not very good for our relationship. You see, the thing is my stomach is making these horribly annoying sounds, and not in a digesting good way, if you catch my drift. In other words, I am getting increasingly hungry. I could almost say, famished, and all I can think about is getting it filled, and I hate to admit it, but at the moment the only other creature around here is you, so…” R: “*merf* Again… Eh, um. With all do respect, ma’am…” V: “I know, I know. I am quite sure this comes off as me being very burdensome and needy in my asking these things of you, you being a handsome little vulpine who has put an exemplary, some might even say, exorbitant, amount of effort into taking care of my wants and needs, sometimes even before I have even wanted or needed them, and I… well I must come off as the laziest wolf ever, and I am very, very sorry about that, my sleepy little vulpine. Truly I am. If I did not think you were far better and much more reliable at catching prey than I, I am quite sure I would not ask these things of you as much as I have. I hope you believe that. I have tried it, the whole solo hunting thing, really I have. I wish I was in a pack, but it was not meant to be. As I said, I have tried to provide for lonesome, and you remember how you found me, starving and risking my pelt for scraps from the humans. Oh how lowly and weak I became, and so battered and bruised.” *V cowering, being beaten by a broom by a woman* *R on the windowsill with a full plate of omelets in his maw looking at her* R: “Battered and bruised, aye ma’am… No insult intended, ma’am... Ma’am, if I may speak freely, you have no tact. No sense of stealth and timing, ma’am, but lazy? No. Far from it. You’re my superior, ma’am. My alpha. Even if you weren’t, I wouldn’t think of you as needy, ma’am, and I definitely wouldn’t call you burdensome. If I thought so, would I have found you that herd of sheep?” V: “Oh, yes, yes, that you did. That you did, my miraculous little guardian angel. Oh, and such an unexpected surprise it was, too, considering how I had no inkling of even who you were. Again, I am truly sorry for chasing you like that, but in my time of rash judgment, you let me right to them, that you did. Oh, of all the wolves in the forest, you chose little old me for such an opportunity, and for that I am forever truly thankful to you. Unbelievably thankful. Oh, it was amazing. A true blessing, but surely I thought we were going to be caught and killed by the humans, and yet you were so calm and… and… It was like a heavenly dream, and surely there is nothing I could do to repay you for such a feast. Such a glorious, succulent feast… that was all your doing, but I tore into those two lambs like you were not even there. Oh, some alpha I am. Me and my restless, insatiable tummy. I would not hold it against you to think of me as some sort of thankless glutton with my constant nagging, and… oh heavens, look at this. All the work you have done and mouth watering food you have caught, and I am the one wallowing in excess poundage. Surely now you must think of me as some fat tyrant.” R: “Oh, no, no. Definitely not, ma’am. You’re not fat, or a glutton, and anything but a tyrant. All I did was scout them out, ma’am. I couldn’t have killed or dragged away those sheep, and the human was practically asking for you to come and get them. It wouldn’t have worked any other way, so you deserved to have them… As for this, ma’am, your bodies just planning ahead. Putting on what you need for the coming winter. I’m sure you’ll have a lovely winter coat when the time comes, and the added weight becomes you… It’s just-” V: “Oh, now let us not get ridiculous with the sentimental coddling, my dear foxy. I must say winter is still a long ways off, my flattering little gentlefur, and if you keep up your streak… but, oh, Randy, please listen. I have been having these ghastly thoughts of eating you as I watched you lying so peacefully before me, and this is not the first time for such thoughts, either. Oh gawd, how can I be thinking such things, Randy darling? How can I be thinking such horrible thoughts with all the things you’ve done to lavish me, but… oh, I’m such a mon-.” R: holds V’s maw open and sticks head in. “No, ma’am. That’s my fault. I’m the one that lured that couple into your den, ma’am, out of jealousy of her choosing him as a mate over me. If you want to eat me, go ahead, ma’am. I’m a disgrace to vulpinedom. It’d be a fitting end for my cannibalization.” *Two canine skulls in corner* V: “Now, now. Let us not be so rash, my sly little turncoat. I ate them, not you. Did they not think that they were coming to a feast? And that they did. I must admit they were a couple of scrumptious meals, but surely I would not relish the thought of dining on you just because I have had your kind and enjoyed it. You have provided me with many glorious meals, my bushy tailed confidant, and it would be barbarian, as well as, my own unethical downfall, if I were to just go and scarf you down. No, no. That vixen had it coming for passing up a dog like yourself. Did you not get a bunch of very delicious fowl to walk right into the den of their own free will? How many dogs can boast that?” R: “Aye, ma’am. Though it was more the screeching of their brighter brethren that attributed them knowing than my boasting. Far be for my safety for me to be flouting a reputation of deception and wonton killing of more than I truly need to survive. As far as the local birds’ thoughts about my act upon the farm fowls, they were none too happy about my taking advantage of their stupidity, and then when the vixen heard, she tried to bribe me into letting them have your meal.” V: “I figured as much, my fiery stud, I figured as much. And then there were those two succulent little pigs you found for me before that. Oh what voluptuous butterballs of meat those two were. So delicious and juicy.” R: “Aye, ma’am. There were going to be three, but the last became troublesome and threatening.” V: “Oh yes, I do remember, my precocious provider, and I am truly glad you got out of that situation alive. I thought I’d lost you for sure when I heard your scream, and then when I saw you… That was very cruel of that swine to burn you like that. It was least I could do to carry you back to the den and tend to your wounds… Yes, that was quite unfortunate, but let us dwell on the good kills… Mmm, yes, let us not forget that angelic and very scrumptious fawn you sent my way. However you convinced her I was her sick grandmother, I’ll never know.” R: “Well, if I may say so, ma’am, it wasn’t that hard after you’d gorged yourself on the aging doe and the fawned gotten her fill of a belly-load of bad weeds. You and her granny were already feeling under the weather, ma’am. Just dressed you up and masked your scent a bit, and showed Red her granny’s cap, and warned her about her granny’s bloat. The rest just played itself out… Of course, her father found out what I’d done and was quite pissed.” V: “Was he really, my evil persuader? I remember you returning rather late very much worn out, but otherwise none the worse. I figured you must have done a bit of running. I just assumed you were out catching something for yourself.” R: “Aye, ma’am. I’d at least hope you’d have… Anyways, I’m sure if he’d caught me, I’d been another antler ornament right now.” V: ”Well, I must say I am truly glad you not gored by that irate stag… Ha. “A belly-load of bad weed”. Really. And to think I had though it was because I had over-gorged myself on that venison out of awe of your abilities, that I was feeling so weird.” R: “If I’m permitted to say so. That was fun to watch, ma’am.” V ecstatic “Hmmm, I bet it was. I bet it was, my devilish little kidder… Ooo, yes, but, oh gawd, let’s not forget the goats.” R winces “Aye, ma’am. That was unforgettable.” V “Who would have thought a lazy old wolf like myself could stuff six juicy little ungulates into my lonesome belly and that they would still be able to wriggle so much. I thought I would die with ecstasy.” R “I bet, ma’am. Wish I’d known there was a seventh, that his parents would track me down, and that I could be butted around so much and still live.” V: “Oh, yes, yes, that truly was a horrid sight when you returned to me in the state that you were. If I had not been so encumbered and if I were a better hunter, I would surely track down those satanic goats and give them what they deserve. You sacrificed yourself for me yet again that time and every time, and I am again forever in your debt. You know I can never repay you for all the hard work and surmountable food you have provided for me… Oh, Randy, darling, if you truly do not want to risk going out one more time, I will understand and not hold it against you. Though it might seem so, and if it does, I am truly sorry for giving that impression, but I do not and never will mean to take advantage of you and your humble generosity. If you can find those bad goats, I am quite sure I am good and capable of bringing them down and I will you eat first. Until then… well I guess I might be able to survive on what I have here for while longer if I practiced some self control. Maybe.” R walking out the cave, limping: “No, ma’am. I’ll take my leave and see what’s on the menu. There’s no reason I should stand by and let you starve. I think I scented some salted meat in a nearby storehouse close by. I’ll be back shortly, ma’am.” V: “I love you, Randy. You’re a saint.”