06601030305800
1First Draft 2/17/94Page #
2TODD G. SUTHERLAND
F0110030
9[...................................................]001
€















ˆThe€ˆSimpsons
€

"HomerInJeopardy"
(apartialscript)



WrittenBy

ToddG.Sutherland






















                                             FirstDraft
                                            Feb.16-17,1994


€                                             FirstDraft

                                             2/17/94

ˆHOMERINJEOPARDY
€
by

ToddG.Sutherland


ˆACTONE
€
FADEIN:

EXT.SIMPSONHOUSE--ESTABLISHINGSHOT--EARLYEVENING

ThesceneopensoutsidetheSimpsons'house.It'sanaverage
day.

KENTBROCKMAN,ONTELEVISION(V.O.)

It'sSpringfield'snumberone'yourpainismy

pleasure'program,'I'mWitlessVideo'!

INT.SIMPSONHOUSE--THELIVINGROOM

WeseeHomersittingonthecouch,moreorlessinprofile,
facingtheTVoff-screenright.BartissittingtoHomer'sleft,
buttheviewissuchthatwecanonlyseehisfeetstickingout
behindHomer.

KENTBROCKMAN(V.O.)

TonightonI'mWitlessVideo,daringfootageofa

bizarreaccidentinwhichamanisactually

decapitatedbyapieceofwhitebondpaper!

SFX:SHARPEDGECUTTING,FOLLOWEDBYHEADHITTINGFLOOR.

Homerreacts,wrinklinghisnose.

HOMER

     Ewwww...

WeseetheTVset,asiffromtheviewofthoseonthecouch.On
screenKentBrockmanissittingbehindtheanchordesk,the'I'm
WitlessVideo'logooverhisleftshoulder.Heisholdingafew
piecesofpaperinhishands(ostensiblyforreadingofoff),and
hetapshisfingeronthecornerofthepapers,and,smiling,
€wiggleshishand,pantomimingapapercut.

KENTBROCKMAN(V.O.)

Ow-ee-ow!Andalsothisevening,wetakeyoutothe

tinyhamletofPopsickleStick,Saskatchewan...

TheviewonTVchanges,showingamandressedinfurs,standing
andsmilingoutsideasmallcabin.Theplaceiscoveredwith
snow.

AbriefshotofHomer,lookingamused.

HOMER

'Saskatchewan'!Heehee!Whatastupidname.

KENTBROCKMAN(V.O.)

...wheretheentiretownisbuiltoutof--you

guessedit--popsicklesticks!!

Weseethemanonscreenraisehisarmasiftodemonstratethe
littlecabinbehindhim.Asecondlater,astiffbreezecomes
up,andthebuildingbeginstodisintegrate.Themanreactswith
dismay.

TheshotreturnstoHomer,wholooksdreamilyintothedistance.


HOMER

Mmmmm...popsickles.

Homerspringsfromhisseat.WecanatlastseeBart,whohas
turnedtowatchHomerashehurriesfromtheroomouttothe
kitchen.SFX:RUNNINGFEET.Bart'sfacialexpressionchanges
frommildsurprisetoboredresignationasherealizeswhat's
goingon.Momentarily,Homerreturnsandsitsbackdown,a
popsicklestickjuttingfromhismouthandapopsickleineach
hand.Hiseyesareglazedandcontented.

Bartleansforward.

BART

Hey,Homer,doyousupposeIcouldha--

BeforeBartcanfinishhissentence,Homer,reactingwithalook
ofanxiety,shovestheothertwopopsicklesinhismouth.He
theninstantlypullsallthreesticksoutclean.Thisaccom
plished,hislookofcalmreturns.Mumbling,hebrisklyreplies.
€
HOMER

Sorry.Allgone.

BartfrownsatHomer.

Weseethescreenagain.KentBrockmanstaresintothecamera,a
lookofconcernonhisface.

KENTBROCKMAN(V.O.)

Andfinally,ashockingvideoexpos‚ofthelifestyle

ofthefat,balding,beer-swillingcouchpotatoso

typicaloftheaudienceofthisprogram...

TheviewcutsfromKenttoastillofHomer,onscreen,plunked
onthecouchinhisunderwear,asleepwithhistonguehanging
out.Adozenorsobeercansarescatteredaroundhim.

WeseeKentagain.Hedoesashivertake.

Backonthecouch,weseeHomerfront-on.Hereactswith
surpriseandanger.

HOMER

Hey!Howdidthatget--BART!!!

TheviewzoomsoutfromHomertorevealhe'ssittingonthecouch
alone.Homer,handsraisedforstrangling,turnstowhereBart
shouldbeandseesnoone.ThereisthesoundofSOMEONERUNNING
andaDOORSLAMMING.Homerstraightensupagain,andjustblinks
attheTVacoupleoftimes,bewildered.Hisgazerollsoffin
thedirectionofthefrontdoorastheDOORBELLRINGS.

INT.FRONTHALLWAY

Thefrontdoorisatleft.Homerentersthescenefromtheright
andopensthedoor.BarneyGumbleisstandingoutside.

BARNEY

Hiya,Homer!Here'sthatsixpackyouaskedmeto

pickup...

Barneyholdsuponeofthoseplastic-ringedsixpacks.Thereare
onlytwobeersleft,danglingatthebottom.Hehandsthisoff
toHomer.
€
HOMER

Barney!There'sonlytwoofthemleft!

BARNEY

Hey,it'salongwalkfromthestore.

BarneybargesinpastHomer.TheCAMERAPANStofollowhim
ashepositionshimselfatscreenrightandturnsbackto
faceHomer,whoisnowatleft.Homerholdsthebeersup
unhappily.

HOMER

(SARCASTICALLY)Well,atleastyouleftenoughto

share...

BARNEY

Hey,thanks,Homer!

BarneygrabsoneofthebeersandimmediatelystartsGULPINGit.
HedrinksabouthalfofitinoneshotandthenBELCHES.

INT.LIVINGROOM

Centeredonthecouch.BarneyandthenHomerenterfromtheleft
andsitdown;BarneyatrightandHomerinhisusualspot.Homer
raiseshisbeertohislipsforamoment.Somethinginaneand
MUSICALisgoingononTV.BarneybeginstoSINGalong.

BARNEY

(SINGING)Lalalala,lalala...

Lisaentersthescenefromtheleft.Shepauses,looksatHomer
andBarney,thenattheTV,andthenmovestotakeaseatbetween
thetwomen.ShelookssweetlyatHomer.

TheshotchangestoonelookingdownthecouchfromHomer'sright
front.WeseeLisalookinghopefullyupathimandBarneybehind
her,blandlyfixatedontheTV.

LISA

Uh,say,Dad,it's,uh,seveno'clock,youknow?

HOMER

(DULLY)Uhhuh...

€Lisa'ssmilefades.Herfacetakesonapleading,slightly
desperatelook.ShejigglesHomer'sarm.

LISA

Please,Dad,doIhavetosayit?It'sJeopardy,Dad;

it'stimeforJeopardy!

Theshotswitchestothefront-onviewofthecouch.Homer
scowlsatLisaandbeginswavinghisarmsaroundandstriking
sillyposesasheridiculestheshow.

HOMER

Oh,c'mon,Lisa!Dowehavetowatchthatthingevery

night?Thequestionsarealwaysthesame!'It'sthe

capitalofNebraska;it'sVannaWhite'soriginalchest

size;it'sthenumberofhairsonanelephant's

butt...'

Close-upofLisafromHomer'spointofview.

LISA

Please,Dad,it'stheonlyrealmomentofintellectual

stimulationinmyotherwiseculturally-stultifying

existence!

Close-upofHomerfromLisa'spointofview,scowling.

HOMER

Oh,Lisa,you'reexaggerating!Whythere'splentyof

thingsgoingonaroundhereallthetimetokeepan

activemindbusy!

Close-upofBarney,fromthefront.HedoesaBELCHtake,and
thenlookssurprised.

BARNEY

Wow!Thattastedlikepizza!(COCKSANEYEBROWAND

RAISESAFINGERTOHISLIPSTHOUGHTFULLY)ButI

€haven'thadanypizza...


Lisa,fromHomer'spointofview,lookingdowncastandresentful.

LISA

Istandcorrected.

Theshotchangestoafrontviewofthecouchanditsthree
occupants.Homer,lookingatLisa,SIGHSHEAVILYandCLICKSthe
remoteattheTV.

HOMER

Oh,alright!

LisaturnstotheTV,beaming,whileHomersettlesbackina
pout.ThereisnoreactionatallfromBarney.

ACONTESTANTONTV(V.O.)

Whatismethane?

ALEXTREBEK(V.O.)

Right!Pickagain,Bob.

BOB(V.O.)

RuminantFactsfor400,Alex.(STRESSESTHENUMBER,

SUGGESTINGTHEPREVIOUSQUESTIONWASFROMTHESAME

CATEGORY)

ALEX(V.O.)

It'stheLatinnameforacow'ssecondstomach.

(THEREISAPAUSEDURINGWHICHTHECONTESTANTSPONDER,

THEN:)Margaret.

MARGARET(V.O.)

Whatisareticulum?

HomergesturesattheTV.

HOMER

Well,ofCOURSE.EverybodyknowsTHAT.

€LisaturnsandbrieflylooksatHomerwithskepticism.

ALEX(V.O.)

Select,Margaret.

MARGARET(V.O.)

PeopleWithRidiculousMiddleNamesfor300.

ALEX(V.O.)

Oneofhismiddlenamesisthesameasthefirstname

ofoneofhisOvalOfficepredecessors,Herbert

Hoover.

HOMER

(FLATLY)WhoisGeorgeBush.

MARGARET(V.O.)

WhoisGeorgeHerbertWalkerBush?

ALEX(V.O.)

Right!Pickagain.

HOMER

Whoo-hoo!!

LisashootsHomeralookofsurprise.

MARGARET(V.O.)

ThingsInPotatoSaladfor200.

ALEX(V.O.)

Althoughinpotatosaladit'sfoundchoppedup,this

vegetable'snamecomesfromtheLatinwordfor

'unity'.

LISA

Whatisapotato?

Homermakesanoiseofderision.
€
HOMER

Whatisanonion.

MARGARET(V.O.)

Whatisanonion?

ALEX(V.O.)

Correct!

Lisa,asseenfromHomer'spointofview.Sheislookingat
Homerwithalookofmingledjoyandawe.

LISA

Dad!Howdidyouknowthat?

HomerlooksdownatLisaoutofthecornersofhiseyesand
shrugs.

HOMER

Idunno.Ijustdid.

Close-upofLisaagain.

LISA

AllyourexposuretoJeopardymusthaverubbedoffon

you!


Homer,lookingblaseandworld-weary.

HOMER

Yeah,hadtohappensometime.I'vespentmyadult

lifeduckingeducationaltelevision,butsooneror

laterthesedays,TVsneaksuponyouandBAM!(SLAMS

FISTINTOHAND)youlearnsomething.

Lisa,leaningforwardinherseatandlookingatHomer.

LISA

Youkeepansweringquestions,Dad,andI'llkeepscore

€foryou.

DISSOLVETO:

INT.LIVINGROOM

TheendofJeopardy.THEMEMUSICandAPPLAUSEareheard.Front
viewofthecouch.Lisahasapadandpencil,andHomerand
Barneyarestaringdownintentlyatthepad.

LISA

Well,Dad,accordingtothis,evenwiththefew

questionsyoumissed,youstillwouldhavetoppedover

$18,000.Youwouldhavewontheshow!

Homer,lookingdownatLisawithanairofcoolself-assuredness.

HOMER

Well,Lisa,Iguessyouknownowyourdad'snotthe

mindlessbuffooneverybodythinksheis.

Lisa,lookingupwithtouchingaffection.

LISA

AndIneversuspectedathing.

SheglancesdownatthepadandthenbackatHomer.

LISA

Dad,youmusthaveanincrediblepropensityforthe

retentionandinstantaneousrecallofpertinentfact!

Homerreactsasifthiswereterriblenews.

HOMER

DOH!!

Lisa,lookingslightlyhurt.

LISA

No,Dad,that'sagoodthing!

ViewofBarney,lookingwide-eyedatHomer.

€BARNEY

She'sright,Homer!You'reincredible!Youknow,you

oughtagoonJeopardyandmakealotofmoney!

They'rehavingtryoutsrighthereinSpringfieldthis

weekdownattheTVstation!

Homer,lookingworried,grindingindexfingertipstogether.

HOMER

Oh,Icouldn'tdothat!I'dmessitupandpeople

wouldlaughatme!

BacktoBarneyagain.

BARNEY

Geez,Homer,aren'tyouusedtoityet?

Lisa,pattingHomer'sarminexcitement.

LISA

He'sright,Dad,withyourunusualtalent,youmight

finallyputSpringfieldonthemap,intellectually

speaking.

Homeragain,nowlookingworriedlydownatLisa.

HOMER

Buthoney,they'reallsosmart.They'reallprofes

sorsanddoctorsandlawyers,andI'mjustyourdumb

olddad.

Lisa,smilingupatHomer.Sheshakesherheadreassuringly.

LISA

Dad,youdon'tneedtoworry.ContestantsonJeopardy

don'thavetobesmartorevenparticularlyintelli

gent.AllachampionJeopardyplayerhastobeis

€someonewithaprodigiousabilitytospitupotherwise

uselessbitsoftriviamemorizedbyroteatthe

appropriatetime.

AshotofHomer,smilingdownatLisaashecatcheson.

HOMER

Oh,aFREAK!

Frontshotofthecouch,withBarneyandLisaintentonHomer,
wholooksbackatthem.

LISA

Essentially....Sowhattayahsay,Dad...?

Homerthinksitoverforasecond,theCAMERASLOWLYPULLINGIN
onhim.Alookofdeterminationcomestohisface.TheCAMERA
RAPIDLYPULLSOUTtocatchHomerasheleapstohisfeet.

HOMER

Yes!I'lldoit!

LISAANDBARNEY

Yay!!Alright,Dad!Waytogo,Homer!(ETC.)

Homerthrowsahand,indexfingerextended,upintotheairabove
hishead.

HOMER

ByGod,ifthere'smoneytobemadeinfreakishness,

I'mthemantocashin!LOOKOUT,JEOPARDY!HEREI

COME!!

Homerdashesfromtheroomthroughthedoorwaytotheleftofthe
couch,SCREAMINGabestialcharge.Allisquietafterheleaves,
withLisasmilingandbothherandBarneystaringattheempty
airwhereHomerhasjustbeen.Afteramoment,Barneylooksdown
atLisaandputsahandonhershoulder.

BARNEY

...AndtothinkIknewhimwhenhewasanobody.

€HeBELCHESloudly.Lisalooksbackoverhershoulderathimin
cold,silentdisdain.

FADEOUT:

ˆENDOFACTONE
€
€







ˆACTTWO
€
FADEIN:

INT.SIMPSONHOUSE--KITCHEN--EARLYMORNING

TheSimpsons'kitchen,atbreakfast.Lisa,Homer,Bart,and
Maggieareseatedatthetable,eating.Margeistendingto
somethingonthestove.

Close-upofHomer,left,andBart,right,astheyshovelitaway.

BART

Hey,Homer,Ihearyou'regoingtoputtheoldegoon

thelineandtrytogetonJeopardy.

HOMER

That'sright,boy.

BART

Look,Dad,normallyIwouldn'tofferyouadviceinthe

making-a-fool-of-yourselfdepartment,but...Doyou

reallywanttostakeitallonsomethingasshakyas

YOURbrain?

LISA

Bart,givehimsomecredit.Youdidn'tseehimin

action.Dadwasamazing.Grantedthethingsheknows

havenopracticalvalueandheprobablycouldn'tapply

themeveniftheydid,butthennoneofthatisat

issueinJeopardy...
€
HOMER

That'sright,Bart.I'mgonnagodowntothattryout

andbabblelikeanidiottillthey'reconvincedI'm

smart.ThenI'mgoingtogoonTVandmakemywhole

familyproudofme!

Close-upofBart.Hesnortsderisively.

BART

Giveitup,Homer.

ShotofHomerandBart.Margeentersthescenefromtheleftand
standsbehindHomer;sheputsherarmsaroundhim.

MARGE

Oh,Homey,youknowyourfamilycouldn'tbeany

prouderofyouthanwearerightnow.

Homerlookswoundedandwhines.

HOMER

Ohhh...Areyousure?

EXT.THEPOWERPLANT--MORNING

AnestablishingshotoftheSpringfieldNuclearPowerPlant.

INT.HOMER'SCONTROLROOM

InsideHomer'scontrolroom.WeseeHomersittingathis
console,hunchedoverathickbookthatbearsthetitle"The
ConciseLittleBookofFactsandKnowledge(Abridged)".Homeris
engrossedinthebookandmutteringtohimself.

HOMER

"Nuclearpowerplantsutilizeanisotopeof...

(SQUINTS;SOUNDSITOUT)u-ran-i-um...intheproduc

tionofelectricalenergy."Hmm!Ididn'tknow

that...
€
RAPIDPULLOUTTO:

INT.MR.BURNS'SOFFICE

TheviewofHomergoesfromcolortoblackandwhiteandthe
cameratruck-outrevealsHomeronasecurityscreen,amongst
dozensofothersinMr.Burns'soffice.Whenthetruck-outis
completewecanseeMr.Burnsatleft,staringinterestedlyat
Homerandsteeplinghisfingertips.Afteramomentheturnsto
hisright.

MR.BURNS

Smithers!Whoisthatstudiousyoungchapbettering

himselfoncompanytime?

ANGLEWIDENStoincludeSmithers,standingtotherightand
slightlybehindMr.Burns.

SMITHERS

That'suh,HomerSimpson,sir.Safetyinspectorfor

Sector7G.

Theviewshiftstoaratherforebodingup-shotofthetwofrom
justinfrontofSmithers.

MR.BURNS

Simpson,isit?Yes,well...NormallyI'dhavehim

firedforderelictionofduty,butthedrivetowards

self-improvementissorareinthisplace.Youknow,

Smithers,Ithinkthismanhasafutureinthis

company.Yes,indeed.HomerSimpson.(LEANSFORWARD

OMINOUSLY)I'llbekeepinganeyeonyou...

SMITHERS

Willtherebeanythingelse,sir?

Close-upofMr.Burns.

MR.BURNS

No,that'llbeallfornow,Smithers.IthinkI'll

€justsithereandslowlyspinmyweb...(CHUCKLES)

BackshotofBurnsandSmithers.

SMITHERS

Yes,sir.

Smithersturnstoleave.

MR.BURNS

Oh,andSmithers...!

SMITHERS

Yes,sir?

MR.BURNS

IfthisSimpsoncharacterstillhashissnoutwedged

inthatbookaftercoffeebreak...havehislegs

broken.

SMITHERS

Yes,Mr.Burns.

INT.THEEMPLOYEES'LOUNGE

ShotopensonthespineofHomer'sbook,andthenZOOMSOUTto
showthetableit'sonandanup-shotofHomerbusilystuffing
donutsintohismouthattheadjacentcounter.

ShotchangestoHomer'sfrontwithagoodviewoverhisshoulder.
LennyandCarlenterfromtherightandstandbehindHomer.
Homerglancesoverhisshoulderandstopseating.

CARL

Hey,Homer!What'sthebiggestcityinIdaho?

HOMER

Boise.

LENNY

No,Carl,you'resupposedtogivetheanswerandhe's

supposedtocomeupwiththequestion,remember?

€CARL

Oh,yeah.

LENNY

Hey,Homer!Theywonthe1956WorldSeries!

HOMER

WhoaretheNewYorkYankees?

CARL

It'smostdenseatfourdegreesCelcius.

HOMER

Whatiswater?

LENNY

Mycarkeys.

HOMER

Whatdidyoudropinthecoolanttankat9:17a.m.?


LENNY

SoTHAT'Swheretheyare!

LennySNAPShisfingersandDASHESoffscreentotheright.

CARL

Wow!YouAREamazing,Homer!

HOMER

Yeah.Nowwillyouletmeeat?Iamonmycoffee

breaky'know.

Homerimmediatelystartsscarfingdonutsagain.Carlglances
overatthetableandseesHomer'sbook.Hepointstoit.

CARL

Hey,isthatyourbook?
€
HOMER

Naw.MydaughterLisalentittometobrushup.


CARL

Don'tyouthinkyououghttobedoingthatinsteadof

stuffingyourface?

HomerturnstoCarl,angry.

HOMER

Listen,Carl,Iknowwhatmyresponsibilitiesare!I

don'tneedyouoranyoneelsetreatingmelikesome

sortofbigbaby!YOU'RENOTMYMOTHER.

Homercoughsafewtimesandbangshisribcagewithhisfista
coupleoftimes.

HOMER

Ugh...'snot...sittin'right...

CarlopenshisarmsandHomerleansintohisembrace,backtous.
CarlPATSHomeronthebackacoupleoftimesandHomerfinally
givesupaloudBELCH.HeleansbackfromCarlwithalookof
genuineaffection.

HOMER

Thanks.

EXT.CHANNELSIXTVSTATIONSTUDIO--ESTABLISHING

INT.SOUNDSTAGE--OFF-STAGEWING

WeseeHomerandtwoothercontestants,amanandawoman,being
givenlastminuteinstructionsbythestagemanager.

STAGEMANAGER

Okay,folks,injustafewsecondsyou'llheadouton

stageandmeetAlex-- 

Homerraiseshishandasiftoansweraquestion.
€
HOMER

WhoisthehostofJeopardy?

ThestagemanagereyesHomerlevelly.

STAGEMANAGER

--Notyet,Mr.Simpson.You'llgooutonstageandbe

introduced.We'regoingtorunthisliketheactual

showsoyou'llgetafeelforwhatit'slike.Okay,

anyquestions?

Weseeawell-dressedwoman.ShepointstoHomer.

WOMANCONTESTANT

Yes.Isthisthebestyoucoulddoforathird

contestant?


STAGEMANAGER

ThisISSpringfield,ma'am.Alright,you'reon!

INT.THESOUNDSTAGE--'JEOPARDY'SET-UP

Weseethethreecontestants'boxes.Homerandhisopponents
enterfromstagerightandtaketheirplaces.

ANNOUNCER(V.O.)

This...is...Jeopardy!!

Weseethefirstcontestant,asmart-lookingmaninglassesanda
pipe.Hisname,Dale,isneatlyscriptedacrosshisvideo
nameplate.

ANNOUNCER(V.O.)

Ourfirstcontestantisaprofessorofphysicsat

SpringfieldStateUniversity.Hishobbiesinclude

astonomyandmountainclimbing.MeetDaleSchlontz!

CAMERAPANSRIGHTtonextcontestant,thewoman.Hernameplate
ispainstakinglyetchedinOldEnglishcharacters,andreads
Edith.
€
ANNOUNCER(V.O.)

Oursecondcontestantisthevicepresidentofthe

SpringfieldFirstNationalBankandsitsontheboards

ofseveralofSpringfield'smostnotablecompanies.

Herhobbiesincludeequestriansportsandwinemaking.

MeetEdithMills!

CAMERAPANSRIGHTtoHomer.Hegrinsvapidlyabovehisname
plate,withisfilledwithhuge,wobblyblocklettersofmarginal
legibilitywhichdecreaseinsizeastheyrunoutofroom.

ANNOUNCER(V.O.)

Andourthirdandfinalcontestanttodayisasafety

inspectorattheSpringfieldNuclearPowerPlant.He

enjoysdrinkingbeer,eatingdonuts,andfalling

asleepinfrontofthetelevision.MeetHomer

Simpson!(PAUSE)Andhere'sthehostofJeopardy--

ALEXTREBEK!

ShotmovestoAlex'spodium.Alexentersscenefromleftand
standsatpodium.

ALEX

Dale,Edith,Homer,welcome.I'msureyou'reallwell

acquaintedwiththerulesofJeopardybynow,solet's

getthingsrollingandgetrightintothecategories

forthefirstround.Andtheyare...

Theshotistightonthescreensthatshowthenamesofthe
categoriesabovetherows.EachtimeAlexreadsoffthename,
theCAMERAPANSRIGHTtothenextscreen.

ALEX

"Canada...PrimeMinistersofCanada...Canadian

Provinces...NorthAmericanCommonwealthCountries...

€FamousCanadianGameshowHosts...andPotpourri."

ThecameraturnstoDale,wholooksupatthecategorieswith
evidentconsternation.

ALEX

Dale,sinceyouwonthetosses,you'llpickfirst.

DALE

Uhhh...Potpourrifor100,Alex.

Thescreenfillswiththetypicalwhite-on-bluewrittenanswer
whichAlexreadsoff.

ALEX

SituatedontheOttawaRiver,it'sthecapitalof

Canada.

Weseeallthreecontestantsstarringupatnothing,notoneof
themmoving.TheTIMEBUZZERsounds.WeseeashotofAlex.

ALEX

Weranoutoftimeonthatone.Situatedonthe

OttawaRiver;itwaskindofatrickquestion;the

answeris...Ottawa.

Weseethethreecontestantsslappingthemselvesinthehead,
nodding,shakingtheirheads,allofthemMUTTERING.

CONTESTANTS

Ohyeah.That'sright.Ofcourse.Iknewthatone.

(ETC.)

Close-upofDale.

ALEX

Dale,selectagain.

DALE

Potpourrifor200.

Shotoftheanswer.
€
ALEX

HemarriedCarolineofBrandenburg...Dale.

ShotofDaleashegivesthequestion.

DALE

WhowasKingGeorgetheSecond?

ALEX

Correct.Selectagain.

DALE

Potpourrifor300,please.

Shotoftheanswer.

ALEX

FouroutoffiveAmericansthinkthisCanadian

provincehasthefunniestnameoutoftheten...

Dale.

WeseeDale.

DALE

WhatisTrebek?--ImeanQuebec!!

WeseeAlex,holdingthecardupandstaringlevellyandcoolly
atDale.

ALEX

No....EdithorHomer?

Weseethethreecontestants.Edithstrokesherchinin
puzzlement.Homerlooksatherforamoment,andthenhispanel
lightsup.

Homer,intheshotalone,answers.

ALEX

Homer?
€
HOMER

(SHEEPISHLY)What...is...Saskatchewan?

ALEX

Correct--

HOMER

Whoo-hoo!!(PUNCHESAIRINTRIUMPH)

ALEX

Chooseagain,Homer.

Homerlooksupandblinks.Hewaveshishandintheairatone
ofthecategories.

HOMER

Ehhh...thingamajig.Y'know...Theonewe'vebeen

doingsofar.

ALEX

...Potpourri?

HOMER

--That'stheone.Gimmethatfor400.

Weseetheanswer.

ALEX

HewontheNobelPrizeforLiteraturein1961...

Edith?


WeseeEdith.

EDITH

WhoisIvoAndric?

ALEX

Correct.Selectacategory,Edith.
€
EDITH

Potpourrifor500,Alex.

Weseethequestion.

ALEX

Bypercentage,mostCanadianbeerscontainthismuch

alcoh--Home-- 

WeseeHomer,hunchedoverhisbooth,lookingextremelyintense.
Hedoesn'tevengiveAlexachancetofinishspeaking.

HOMER

Whatisfivepercent?

ALEX

YouareRIGHT.Pickacategory.

WeseetheSLOWPANacrossthefiveCanadiantopicsasiffrom
Homer'spointofview.WehearhimMUTTERING.

HOMER

(MUTTERINGINITIALLY)Oh,lookitallthe...WhatamI

gonna...Oh,IdunnowhatI'm...(HISGAZEFIXESON

ONE;PANSTOPS)NorthAmericanCommonwealthNations

for100.

Weseetheanswer.

ALEX

AswellasbeingamemberoftheBritishCommonwealth,

thiscountryisthesecondlargestonEarth,andis

foundimmediatelynorthoftheUnitedStates.

Weseethethreecontestantsstewing.Nobodybuzzesinandthe
TIMERGOESOFF.ShotturnstoAlex.

ALEX

Well,nobodygotthatone.Toughclues.Theanswer

€is...Canada.Okay,Homer,pickagain.

WeseeHomer,obviouslydismayed.

HOMER

Oh,doIHAVEto?

ALEX

I'mafraidso,Homer,yes.

Homer'sshouldersdropandhehangshishead.

HOMER

Ohhhh...

DISSOLVETO:

INT.SOUNDSTAGE--'JEOPARDY'SET-UP

Theendofthefirstround.Weseethatallthecontestantshave
scoresseveralthousandpointsbelowzero,butHomer'sisthe
closesttozero.

ALEX

Well,Idon'tthinkthishaseverhappenedbefore;all

threecontestantsfinishingupthefirstroundwith

negativescores.

TheviewswitchestoAlex,whoraisesahandtohisstudio
earpiece.

ALEX

AndIhearfromourjudgesthattheycan'tsitthrough

anotherfifteenminuteslikethelast,sothey're

awardingthevictorypre-emptively.AndHomer,since

you'velosttheleastpoints,thatmeansyouwinby

default.You'llbeappearingonJeopardy.

WeseeHomer,handsintheair,doingavictoryjig.

HOMER

Whoo-hoo!!Yes!(HETURNSTOEDITHANDDALEAND
€
POINTS,CHANTINGCHILDISHLY:)I'mlessstupidthan

youare!I'mlessstupidthanyouare!INYERFACE,

LOSERS!!

WeseeAlex,lookingabitirked.

ALEX

Homer,doyouthinkit'sverysportsmanliketobehave

likethat?

WeseeHomer,abitstartled.Alookofanxietycrosseshis
face.


HOMER

Aw,butwhat'sthepointofbeingsmartandwinningif

youcan'trubitin?

WeseeAlex.

ALEX

Afeelingoftriumph,asenseofvictoryina

difficultcontest,thesatisfactionofachallengemet

andajobwell-done...

WeseeHomer.Hescowls,crosseshisarms,andsnorts.

HOMER

Yeah,right.(PERKS)Hey,arethereanyprizesfor

thisround?

WeseeAlex.Hescowlslevelly.

ALEX

(ABRUPTLY)No.

BacktoHomer.Hisshouldersdroop.

HOMER

Boy,gettingonJeopardysucks.
€
Alex,stillstaringcoolly.

ALEX

...Butthere'satableoffreerefreshmentsinthe

hall...

Homerreacts,alongswoopingpunchattheair.

HOMER

Whoo-hoo!!

FADEOUT:

ˆENDOFACTTWO
€