By and \xA9 Eric Chambers
Echam2@yahoo.com -- http://www.geocities.com/ifihadaflannelshirt
Inspired by “Jack”, the characters of “Jack” \xA9 David Hopkins
Bob Sands and all other supporting characters \xA9 Eric Chambers
All songs \xA9 their respective creators
----
Bob met his end in the desert, alone and bleeding.
Driving had been uneventful. Bob was alone on the road and hadn’t passed a gas station since the last town – that was thirty miles ago. He was never much of an eater – his feminine frame showed that, not that anyone could tell, his T-shirt and flannel swallowing the mouse’s body – but it had been almost two days without stopping, only for gas; but he felt fine. He felt fine alone, enveloped by the brown haze of the desert, capped with the overpowering blue of the sky – he put the car on cruise control and brushed his hair from out of his eyes. He had always been fine alone, not that it was voluntary at some points; his gray fur, and slightly darker gray hair kept him out of other’s notice, and his keeping to an outdated style of grunge didn’t do much to win any favors.
But that was fine, just fine.
He could at least think in peace – “could” being the key word as the windshield shattered and Bob hit the brakes, hard. The car responded typically well, pulling to a screech on the shoulder with Bob inside wide-eyed and shaking. The music still played from the radio as he just sat there, shaking, and staring at the three-inch long hole in the window in front of him, “Did you never call? I waited for your call...
These rivers of suggestion are driving me awaaaay...
The trees will bend, the cities wash away...
The city on the river there is a girl without a dreeeam...
I’m sooorrrrry...
I’m sooorrrrry...
I’m sooorrrrry...”
There were little red dots everywhere and it was becoming harder to breath. Bob looked down, and felt his stomach tie in a cold knot. A three inch hole had been punched through his black T-shirt, and, with a world of pain following, he touched his chest – fingers sliding over the gaping wound that had now started dribbling out currents of blood.
Bob panicked and scrambled out the car door. “Eastern to Mountain, third party call, the lines are down
The wise man built his words upon the rocks
But I'm not bound to follow suit...
The trees will beeend, the conversation's dimmed...
Go build yourself another home, this choice isn't miiine...
I’m sooorrrrry...
I’m sooorrrrry...”
Leaving a trail of drying blood behind, Bob staggered onto the hot asphalt and collapsed, his thin frame curling in the sun. He tried to sit up – pain – and managed to lean back against his car, holding his oozing chest wound.
Did you never call? I waited for your call...
These rivers of suggestion are driving me away...
The ocean sang, the conversation's dimmed...
Go build yourself another dream, this choice isn't miiine...
I’m sooorrrrry...
I’m sooorrrrry...
I’m sooorrrrry...
I’m sooorrrrry...[1]
He laughed - hard. It hurt and he no reason to, nor did he feel like it, but everything just struck him funny at that moment: his struggle to remain a virgin, all the guilt and pain he felt over sex in general, his desire to remain thin, being antisocial and his fear of others – nothing. So he laughed; and as his chest moved, fresh blood spilled out through his fingers. Bob then looked up, smiling – one cloud looked like a bunny, one looked like a geisha gown, and it’s neighbor resembled a malformed pumpkin which in turn struck a memory of being at a concert with a female arctic fox once. It had been his first, as he had been hers; he loved her but couldn’t get past his depression – she left him, twice. He knew it was his fault, but chalked it up to “she didn’t understand”: she was happy, marginally popular and liked in school, her parents weren’t even divorced. Now as he sat there he knew that was a thin excuse, he wouldn’t change for the better - he was afraid, and clouded in self-serving depression.
Bob laughed again. He remembered her scent, he remembered a lot of scents – and he lost more blood. His eyes focused a little better and the specks of red on his glasses began to bother him, his clean paw removing the round frames as he looked for a clean spot to wipe them. His jeans, T-shirt, and most of his flannel where coated, so he opted to just brush them against his shoulder as best he could; it left streaks, but he felt better now – in a sense.
He was cold now, very cold, and tired. He struggled to stay conscious out of self-preservation, semi-surprised that the pain had dulled somewhat, and, knowing what that meant, he was scared. His ear perked at a recognizable sound from the car, from the radio – the CD has gone through a few songs he hadn’t noticed, but now that he was calmer, the music drifted to him. With eyes half-open, he tried to smile, tried to lean his head back against the car, and managed to do both; the instrumental interlude ended, and, in time, he started singing along, alone, “From the inside room...when the front room greeting
Becomes your special book, it was simple then...
When the party lulls, if we fall by the siiide...
I still like you, can you rememberrrr?
Aloooone in a crowd, a bartered lantern borroooowed...
If I'm to be your cameraaa, then who will be your faaace?...”[2]
Slumped against the dusty, black car, in the open desert, Bob died – under the sun, alone for miles.
---
I am awake, I am. I am. Was I in the sun? I’m not hot. If I open my eyes, I will see the desert; I will. That is the truth. I will. Am I breathing? I can’t tell. Open my eyes; that’s all I need to do.
There.
A desert – nothing more. There is the sky – blue. There is the sun – bright. Th...
There was this head in my lap, and my thoughts stopped. Some raven-haired female had her face buried in my torso; I sat there, twitching slightly – just staring. As her head moved side to side, my paw went tentatively out and I managed a “Wh...wha...”, when she shot up.
I screamed. For the split second I was frozen, I screamed.
It wasn’t that she was streaked in gore. It wasn’t that for a moment she looked normal, some orange lizard I’ve never seen, then...changed – a monster...a demon...it...I didn’t know.
She was eating me.
The combination shot me up, and I darted across the road, screaming and fanatically checking between my legs. There was no blood and I looked back.
There I was, slumped against the car.
She kept on eating me; I didn’t know how to react, so I stood there, staring. Some green, male lizard walked from around the car – I hadn’t noticed him before. “You planning on saving me some, bitch?”, he said with venom, standing over her.
“Just taking the parts I know you don’t like. Or have you gone fag on me?”
“Fuck you”, and he dug in.
I watched. I just stood there and watched.
“Fuck!”, the female shot up, dripping meat, “He never lets us have any fun.” Out of the background, a cloaked figured stepped out, scythe at the ready. He said nothing as he cut off her head, shifted, and did the same to the male. I blinked in reaction, and again when their bodies disappeared; leaving me, myself, and –
“Jack.”
I blinked, “What?” It just hit that this grizzled, green rabbit noticed me.
“Everyone asks my name sooner or later. My name is Jack. It is your time, Eric. Come with me.”
“Wa-wait,” I stuttered, I do that, “One, my name is Bob, not E...Eric. And two, you think it’s that si...simple? I’m just going to dance off with you into the sunset?
He gave me a level gaze, unfeeling.
I looked down, “Sorry...”, and I walked with him.
---
“Would...you mind if I ask a few q...q-questions?” We passed along the desert, not kicking up dust. Jack, as he called himself, was silent; though I figured, what would he have to say to me?
“You are dead. It’s all sad; you are not the only one. Does that answer any of your questions?”, he didn’t even look at me.
“Um...one, I suppose.” I tried to keep up with his pace; I was assuming he was in a hurry, “Where are we going?”
“Business.”
I was silent in agreement. We walked, and I tried to keep up.
---
A trailer, alone, dirty white and gray, jutted from the sand and rock; a tire pile decorating along the makeshift driveway – black amongst the brown. Jack stopped, as did I. “Those...aren’t dogs, are they?”
“No.”
“Do I want to know what they’re eating?”
“No.”
Coyotes had gathered in a feeding group ten feet from the trailer – whatever they were eating wore shoes. “I used to believe in coyotes.”
He paid me no mind, “Watch him”, he pointed to a large rock off to my right, “I have...business inside.”
I looked over, “Him who?”, but Jack was already inside; “Oh...”, a head peeked out from behind the rock. I put two and two together and sighed, “Christ...” He couldn’t have been more than ten years old.
I looked behind me and quickly stepped between him and the coyotes, blocking his view. My paw went up timidly in a “hello” gesture and I tried to smile, which came out small and weak, “Um...hi...” I was hoping I didn’t sound as intimidating as I thought I did, “I’m...um...here to h-help.”
He just blinked through constant tears.
“Right...that sounds a little phony, doesn’t it? Well...I-I’m not going to hurt you...if you can be-believe that. Yea...that doesn’t sound much b-better...”, my paws went straight into my pockets, “I suck at this.”
“Ma name’s Kyoji”, the cougar cub tentatively stepped out, walking into the light; I thought the southern accent was cute, “Who are ya, an’ is dat scary rabbit comin’ back?”
I winced a bit as he walked toward me, trying to keep my eyes on his; the wound opening his throat was a tad distracting, “Um...I’m Bob. Hi.”
“’lo.”
“And...um...yea, sometime I suppose. You ok?” I rubbed the back of my neck nervously.
Sniff, “Ah think so. Ah don’t feel anythin’. Is dat supposed ta happen?”, he tried drying his eyes with the back of his paw, not that it helped – not that I could blame him; I felt like crying myself.
That neck wound was starting to get to me though. I walked over to him and knelt, “I wish I had the answers, I really do; I would answer all your questions and tell you the scary parts over, that you can open your eyes now, but there’s no good in lying to you. I don’t know. If it helps, I feel the same way.”
“Ma said there’d be angles, an’ a bright light, an’ Ah’d see Jesus, Mary, an’ Gran’ma Komisa”, sniff.
“I know...I know...” I took off my flannel and wrapped the sleeves around his neck loosely, making it into a makeshift cape with the sleeve-ends dangling around his chest, “As you would of learned, life isn’t fair, and, a-apparently, neither is the afterlife; but I’m s...s-ure you’re going to a better place after this. Maybe the scary rabbit guy is some sort of angel...appearances are alm...m-most always deceiving.”
I finally got a smile, however weak, through the tears, “Ya talk funny.”
I returned with a smirk, “I try.”
---
Gunshots, two. Some old song was playing from inside the trailer, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”, I think, but screams overlaid the melody. The kid and I jerked our heads towards the sound, he shivered violently I noticed.
A female voice screamed something in Japanese and I shivered myself; I thought about Jack and what might be going on in there.
I didn’t want to know.
The door suddenly opened and out came an overly-obese cougar brandishing a .357 held at his side, behind him darted out an equally overly-thin panda; he looked fine and didn’t seem to notice her or us, she had two open holes in her chest and ran, crying, out into the yard, not seeing us yet, mumbling something in Japanese. She squatted into a ball and started sobbing loudly, shaking; I watched Kyoji run to her, the cape of my flannel flapping in the wind, “Ma-san! Ma-san!”
She looked up, dropping to her knees, “Sochi! Sochi, Kyoji! Ashikarazu...ashikarazu...”[3]
They embraced and I turned to watch what I was assuming was the father. He just stood there, holding his gun upright and looking out over the desert.
Jack hung over him like a specter, and he was anxious.
Did I know what would happen next? Yes. Yes, I think I did.
Sunrises, sunsets...they all look the same on this side – one the reverse of the other. This was one of those. Wind, coyote howl off in the distance, blah blah blah.
It’s a desert. It’s dramatic.
I felt stupid and useless just standing there, paws in my pockets, looking over the couples that had formed; Kyoji and his mother, a shivering, crying mass, and Jack dead fixed on Mr. Wife-beater there, who was holding up his gun as if his dick would fall off if he didn’t.
Jack was tense. Father was tense, and he screamed. Bad ol’ boy .357 plugged up that hole and made a stadium out the other side.
Mother and Kyoji screamed at that one bark. I winced, but watched on with morbid interest. Afterlife’s version of a car-wreck, I suppose. “You’re dead, Jimmy. The only part of my day that’s been good”, Jack had to scream that last part over the sucking sound coming from within him after opening his robe.
“No! No! Yous da Debble! Yous can’t have ma soul!”, Jimmy didn’t seem to notice the pile of bleeding fat under him, already attracting flies; and the coyotes pretty soon, I assume.
“See you in hell, Jimmy”, I muttered under my breath as he was sucked in to that strange void.
“So…what now?” I walked over to Jack, tentatively looking him in the eye.
“Home.” He herded me over to Kyoji and Mother and I finally got an up-close good all-around look at her. I glimpsed down at her, but not long enough, hopefully, to have her think I was staring. Slumped shoulders, hollowed cheeks, almost all of her black markings were gray; she sat up and she really was nothing more than bones, deflated breasts under a gray cotton shirt that I had come to recognize as the sign of the poor female. She sniffed and cried, but was holding onto Kyoji with a death-grip.
No one was going to take her child again.
“He…”, she started in broken English, “came to…Tokyo during…Vietnam war. I was- “, she went into crying again, and I waited, “I was…fun-girl outside USO club. He treat me very good. Better than other G.I.s, and I was with him every time he had leave. He tell me pretty words, say, ‘Ro-zomari, I take you away to America. You no have to work on streets anymore. I take care of you.’ He tell me he love me and I go with him when his tour over. He not tell me he live in middle of desert, he not tell me he poor; but I love him anyway. Like Beatles say, ‘All you need is love’.
“We have beautiful child”, she stressed that by holding Kyoji closer, “But money tight. No one will hire me because of my English, he lose job after war and had to start at bottom again. Bills pile up. I notice change in him months ago…angry all the time…even hit me. Now…”, she covered the boys ears, “He do…bad things to Kyoji…I yell at him and he hit me…that’s all I can remember…until pain in chest…and I ran…I just ran and he didn’t seem to notice…but I found my son…sochi.”
I looked down and nodded dumbly, crossing my bare arms over my stomach; I felt cold. I don’t know why she told me that, but I suppose someone had to know.
“It’s time to go home”, Jack said softly. I swallowed hard and blinked; we were home now, or, at the very least, on the porch outside the front door.
---
There was a line. Was there ever a line.
You wait in lines for the theater, for school, to eat. Well, you wait in lines when you die too; but if you blink and look close, five people disappear, twenty, a thousand, and you step up without realizing -- a bright spot growing closer.
Somewhere down this winding line (around number 3,432,765, or somewhere abouts), Kyoji, Ro-zomari, and I stood; Jack hovered around about two feet to my side – guess he wasn’t a line-person. “I’m sorry”, he muttered.
“Huh?” I looked up from my own world.
“Before. Time was short and none could be wasted if things were to go as planned. I can imagine that dying alone, much less being eaten by what you think are demons and having Death snap at you, must not be easy to take.”
“I’m sure others go through worse.” I cleared my throat, rubbing it nervously; “I don’t suppose you know what qualifies one for…Heaven, for lack of a better word?”
He gave me a strange smile, “Worried?”
“Isn’t everyone?” I tried to smirk back.
“Most; but you don’t look like the raping and killing type.”
“What about…um…faith?”
“What about it?”
“Well…”, I could swear my paws were sweating, “is there a right one? If you’re not a certain one, are you damned?”
Jack shook his head, “No. As I’m sure you know, that’s something people made up, not God. Taoists are as welcome as Christians, as Jews, as some tribe in Africa; however, you do need faith of some kind.”
I felt my face drop, and I was cold again. It must have been noticeable because Jack put his paw on my shoulder, “Don’t worry”, he said softly.
I nodded weakly, swallowing hard, “So…what happened to…um…Kurt Cobain?”
“Suicide…Hell.”
I looked up, the line had moved a lot since I last checked, “Yea, I figured. Um…my grandfather? Col. Bob Haldeman?
“He made it…just barely.”
I nodded again, locking eyes with Kyoji as he and his mother laughed, seeming to forget their predicament for whatever a laugh was worth, “Jack…”, I asked, not looking up from the two, “would I of been a good father?”
“What do you think?”
I thought. “I honestly don’t know. I would like to think so, of course; but I’m not even sure if I would have had children.”
“You would have had one son, Ethan. He would have been a great writer,” he smiled at me again, “With help from his father, of course. You would of reached a sort of cult following with your own work, but it would have helped rocket Ethan’s to some of the greatest in America’s history, much later, the world’s.”
“Ok…ok…stop…”, I had to take off my glasses to wipe my eyes, “You’re making me cry.”
“Sorry.”
“We’re not on Earth anymore. There’s no stuttering here.”
I nodded in agreement, and cast my eyes to what would have been the ceiling; I wasn’t expecting speakers, but I wondered where Bob Marley’s “Redemption Song” was coming from.
“Hey, Mista Bob?”, I looked at Kyoji and smiled, “Ya look kinda cold. Ya want ya shirt bayck?”
“Sure, kid; if you don’t mind”, I had a feeling that throat wound didn’t exist here. As he untied it from around his neck and held it out for me to take, I saw I was right – clean. “Thanks”, I smiled as I slipped on the flannel; not necessarily feeling warmer, but at least a little more protected. Christ, I thought, sighing softly, We’re almost there and –
Well, hello there, Jimmy.
Sure enough, there was Mr. I-Don’t-Havva- Prick-Unless-I-Havva Gun standing right in front of Ro-zumari, next in line. Her and Kyoji didn’t seem to notice…
Maybe Heaven does take care of some people.
Getting a good gander at the back of his head, I could see he was airing out nicely; I looked back at Kyoji’s throat and up again at the personified watermelon.
And maybe it doesn’t for others.
I didn’t want to look at my chest. Spoil the ending I paid to see, I suppose.
Jack gripped my shoulder softly; even so, I jumped a little. “You’re not going to want to watch this”, he said. Wish I could say I followed that advice.
Some fox went through the right of two doors (there was a right and a left door with a tall podium between; a cloaked figure, leaning over a obscenely thick book, resided over that podium) – he looked happy, that fox. Now, it was Jimmy’s turn. He just walked sheepishly into the circle of light around the podium, not saying a word – I swear he was crying. The figure scanned a few lines in the book, flipped a page, scanned, and looked up at the quivering figure in front of it – Jimmy lips were moving, but I couldn’t hear anything. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to; I can imagine this needing to be a private experience.
The figure, from what I saw, just stood there, but Jimmy started bawling soundlessly; then that left door opened.
Left door. I do not want the left door.
Oh god. That thing that oozed out of that door; black and nothing, and creeping. Why was I the only one seeing this?, I thought, until I turned around and saw some of the people in line gaping, shivering, and/or crying while others were not. I did not like this.
The nothing, as I turned back, had splashed over Jimmy, sucking onto most of his body, leaving a soundlessly screaming face and a grasping, clawing arm being dragged back into black. Ro-zumari sang softly throughout, calm and unseeing. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. Why couldn’t I?
“I told you”, Jack’s voice came from behind.
“Is it always that bad?”, I asked sheepishly.
“Depends.”
I left it at that.
Mother and son stepped up. I suppose they heard a calling.
I wanted a mother.
I wanted a mother to hold me.
They stepped slowly into the ring of light and looked up at the hooded figure; peace on their faces, because I suppose they already knew the answer. Their time in the spotlight was shorter before the right door opened. If something equally as beautiful as that thing was horrible came out, I didn’t see it; and when I turned around, the same ones who were reacting before just stood there, shuffling and looking nervous, while the others who hadn’t looked up, smiling and entranced. Turning back, my heart wasn’t beating fast because it wasn’t beating, and I wasn’t breathing rapidly because I wasn’t breathing, but there was a hot, constricting, ball of fear in my stomach. I did, however, choke it down and watched on as Ro-zumari, with Kyoji still in her arms, walked peacefully into that door; I do admit to feeling happy for them, but I also admit to feeling a small pang of envy. I didn’t say I was proud of that.
Kyoji sat up and looked over his mother’s shoulders, just when I thought he had forgotten about me, and waved, mouthing I’ll see you soon, Mr. Bob. I timidly put my paw up in a good-bye gesture, but that killed me; as soon as he disappeared and the door closed, I felt like shutting down – just fall over and refuse to move. Jack’s paw gripped my shoulder though, “It’s time.”
“I…I-I know. Can you come with me?”
“I can. I’m not due for awhile.”
My tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth as I stepped forward towards that circle, examining the surroundings instinctively. “See you in heaven if you make the list, yeah yeah yeah yeah”[4], I managed to mutter/sing under my breath right before I stepped in.
And the surroundings changed. Everyone behind me, everything, disappeared; fading in its place, faux-log walls and pillars surrounded us, cheap white-topped tables lined up in a row beside us, complete with red, cushioned booths, and a bar from one wall to the other, also complimented with barstools, sporting that same red-colored cushion. A gumball machine appeared to my left (though why the candies inside were dolphin-shaped and, as the brightly-colored dolphin exclaimed on the label, called “Matt’s – Gotta Love ‘em”, I don’t know), and a jukebox off in the corner flipped on as the rest of this diner (?) materialized around us; “Here’s a truck stop instead of Saint Peter’s, yeah yeah yeah yeah”[5], R.E.M. sang from the corner.
I don’t think Jack saw any of it though.
“…when dis life is ovah, Aaaah’ll fly away. Ta dat home on Gawd’s celestral sho’, Aaaah’ll fly away. Aaaah’ll fly away, oh glory…Aaaah’ll fly away, in da mornin’…When Ah die, hallelujah, by and by, Aaaah’ll fly away.[6]
“Hm? Can Ah help ya, Sugah?”
I looked up to this bleach-blond, black-furred mouse behind the cash register, as with everything else, complete with her own accessories – a pencil tucked above one ear, and an outfit just as red as the cushions. God, she was huge, though – hell, she was a cushion, stretching that red shirt and red apron to whatever manufacture’s recommended limit there was around here.
On her shirt, proudly displaying a yellow background behind black block letters, a button pushed forward against one of her mountainous breasts, “ASK ME ABOUT HOW YOU GOT HERE! TRY THE PIE!”
“Um…”, I stammered, trying not to think about what was stretching behind that shirt, “Ok, how did I get here?”
“What do you see?”, Jack came from behind.
“It’s a diner…of some sort”, I turned my head back, “There’s a rather large female on the other side of the counter…”
“Ahem…Ah can ‘ear ya, darlin’.”
I snapped back, wide-eyed, “Oh…I-I…I’m sorry.”
“Baby, Ah’ve been called fah worse by fah bettah people.”
“I suppose I deserved that.”
“Jus’ sit down, an’ Ah’ll get ya’ll some pie.
“Thanks.” I sat at the counter, on one of those red, cushy stools; Jack just stood beside me, blind to all this.
“What does she look like? Black furred, southern accent?”, he asked.
“Mouse, yea”, I nodded slightly.
I watched his eyes soften, trailing a smile that was already spreading, “Brenda.”
“There’s a story there, isn’t there?”
“A rather long one, yes. She was the most intelligent person in the world at one point (you know those tiny dictionaries that you think would be too little to read? She invented those, and had a paw in the production of paperclips. Don’t look at me like that; the atomic bomb can only be made once), though some fallings out with her peers lead her into a self-imposed exile. She was a housewife for close to thirty years in rural Arizona; a good wife and mother, but talents hid from even them. To make a long story short, while moving to a new house, she, by accident, of course, put her foot on the gas pedal instead of the brake.
“He didn’t feel anything, thankfully. Confused though as to why his wife was crying; thought I was a salesman of some sort, at first – who else would be out in the middle of the desert except Death and salesmen?
“The rest is an old story…”
Brenda came back as Jack finished talking, brandishing warm pie.
“She never forgave herself, and ended up wallowing in self-pity until that’s what she died of; she just quit.
“Even the intelligent fall victim to clichés.
“She’s – “
“Sugah”, Brenda unknowingly interrupted, “ya ain’t touch ya pie yet. Ya seem ah might distracted; e’erything ok?” B’sides tha obvious.
I turned back, quickly picking up the fork laid out for me and took off a reasonable piece, put it in my mouth, and chewed. It was cherry. “Mmm, yea”, I said behind my mouthful of cherry, “Everything’s fine; besides the obvious. Just Jack’s here, telling me a little about you.”
“Aw, Lawd! Why didn’t ya tell me dat nice rabbit was ‘ere?” She shot up and waddled back into the kitchen, pots and pans clinking as she shuffled around, “Ah must look a’fright! Oh, where’d Ah put ma brush?”
Looking back at Jack, he was silent. If the dead could blush…
“Jack?”, I prodded him gently.
“Hm?”, he came back, looking down at me.
“I was under the impression you couldn’t see or hear any of this.”
“It’s like a radio in another room, with the door closed. If I concentrate I can make out words here and there.”
“Oh”, I said blankly, “So, you were saying?”
He cleared his throat, “Yes…well…because of her intelligence and moderately sin-free life, God put her in Purgatory to greet the souls, explain what they wanted explained, and show them the choice they made of Heaven or Hell.”
“So something along the lines of St. Peter?”
“Something like him, though he was only one of many. Unfortunately, how she died was very close to suicide by default, a gray area of sorts. She will be here for awhile, but that’s tricky to explain as time has no meaning here.”
I nodded, but, admittedly, I didn’t try to understand the inner workings of God’s judgment. I was still a little more worried about my own.
“Sugah?”, Brenda came back out, putting in and adjusting earrings, her hair neatly brushed and a smell of some flower or the other drifting off her, “Ah’m beginnin’ ta think Ah spent all aft’anoon bakin’ bad pie.”
“Hm?”, I looked down at my almost untouched plate, taking another chunk out of the slice with my fork and putting it in my mouth; apple this time, “Oh, no”, I again said from behind a full mouth, “I don’t mean to be rude, just this is an awful lot to take in one day. You know, dying and all.”
“Ah can imagine”, she pulled up a stool and sat down behind the bar, her breasts and arms resting on the white and black-speckled countertop.
“But…uh…he can’t see you, you know.”
“Jack?”
I nodded.
“Honey, where Ah come from, ya always dress up fo’ comp’ny, especially gentlemen. But Ah go on, please, keep eatin’, it’s good ta see someone enjoyin’ ma cookin’ again; but it’s also time fo’ ah little business.”
I took another bite, chewed, and swallowed; strawberry. “Business?”
“If ya ‘ave any questions, anythin’, an’ Ah do mean anythin’, ‘bout tha universe, ya life, someone else’s. An’ Ah’m not ah genie, ask ahs many ahs ya want.”
I took one last bite and pushed the plate to the side. It was chocolate cr\xE8me; I thought I would end on a high-note. Sighing softly, I asked, “How did I die? I know it was this piece of metal in my chest, but what caused it? Where did it come from?”
“Aw, Honey. Ya sure ya want ta know? It ain’t purty.”
I nodded, looking her directly in the eye and trying to steady myself.
“It was Gluttony, hon.”
I heard Jack shift beside me, uncomfortably. I think he heard that.
“Tha Sin, Gluttony. Dat’s also what ya met in tha desert befo’ Jack. Bob an’ Lisa, but they’re one an’ tha same.”
I was confused and I felt my brow wrinkle trying to comprehend, “Wait. Sin?”
“Aw, baby”, she said to me like I had cancer, “ya’ll find out soon.”
I didn’t like that.
“Dere’s only one reason”, she went on, “Gluttony does anythin’…”
“Food”, Jack and Brenda finished together.
“So I was…”
“Just a meal”, Jack came from the side.
“A casualty”, Brenda came from the front.
I gave Jack a look and turned back to Brenda, “Ok”, I turned my paw up in a “stop” motion, “this is all over my head at the moment. Thank you for trying though; but, how did this piece of metal get into me?”, I brushed my thumb lightly over my chest.
“’Ighway trash. Ah tool fo’ Gluttony ta use. If ya interested, tha rig it came off ah carries aborted fetuses fo’ various purposes. They thought it was funny.
“I can imagine.”
“Anythin’ else, Sugah?”, she shifted her weight to her right.
“One, I suppose.” I paused to think, and noticed the jukebox again, R.E.M. softly emanating, Cuyahoooooga…Cuyahooooga, gone[7]; I shifted, myself, and asked, “God’s knows everything, right?”
“Ta ah extent.”
“Then what’s the point of living? If It knows already, then as soon as we’re born we’re either “saved” or “damned” because It knows.”
“Free will, Honey. E’erythin’ ya do spawns mo’ outcomes, and mo’ outcomes out ah those. Ya see tha dice, but ya don’t know what number it’ll land on; it’s like dat wit’ God.”
“I still can’t believe in It. I just don’t feel It. I…I just don’t have faith.”
Her fleshy paw took mine, squeezing, “Oh, child, Ah know. Ah know.” Once again, the cancer look.
“Where am I going?”, I thought I would finally be direct.
She just looked down, squeezing my paw again, “Oh, child…”
“Jack?” I felt my voice crack as I looked over, feeling hot streams fall from my eyes, “Jack, where am I going? Where, Jack? Tell me.”
His fingers dug into that scythe and he looked away, towards nothing. “Hell”, he said dryly.
“W-why? I haven’t killed anyone. I tried to be a good person,” I’m not sure if I was begging or whining now. It’s a thin line.
“’Thou shall have no other gods before me.’ ‘Thou shall not take the name of your Lord in vain.’ ‘Thou shall remember the Sabbath and keep it holy’.” He paused, closing his eyes, “’Honor thy mother and thy father’.”
Keep in mind, I am not proud of what I did next.
“She kicked me out!” I swept the counter contents to the floor in my hurry to stand; Brenda just watched, I saw from the corner of my eye. Just watched as I stood against Jack, making a fool of myself and killing the messenger. Just watched as I enacted the most base of nature’s instincts and blamed everyone but myself. “She didn’t want me!”, I stood nose to nose with the gnarled rabbit; he didn’t seem to care, “I never did drugs! I was never in a gang! I went to school! I never even had fucking sex!”
“As opposed to normal sex?”, he calmly stood, those red eyes uninterested.
“F-fuck you!”, I felt those hot tears returning, “Jimmy killed his own wife and son! He fucking raped his own son! I never hurt anyone, a-and I have to go to the same place? Where’s God’s infinite compassion? Where’s It’s love? Since when did my eternal happiness or damnation hinge on piddly little technicalities that no one really follows?
“I thought It was more than us, I thought It understood…”, I buried my face in Jack’s robe, just crying silently as I struggled to stand. I lost that fight though. “She didn’t want me. She didn’t want me…shedidn’twantmeshedidn’twantmeshedidn’twantme…”, I cried still as my legs gave out and I ended up on my knees, clutching his robes that smelled like sulfur and a salty copper undertone.
“Stand, Eric.”
“No.”
“Sugah, ya got ta go. There ain’t no place else ta go; an’ ya’ll only end up there anyway.”
Brenda looked down at me, standing now, from behind the counter; I wondered if she was allowed out from behind there. Jack looked down at me as I groveled at his feet, commanding me again, “Stand.”
“Your feet are going to be on the ground, your head is there to move you around, so staaannnd…[8]”, came the jukebox.
“I don’t want to go…”, now I was whining.
“Stand. Now.”
I stood, taking off my glasses and wiping my eyes on my sleeve.
“Countless have gone before you and countless will go after you – you are no better than them. You will receive no special treatment. That was your life, no one else’s; you knew the rules and you chose to not follow them.
“I know you are not evil, but there are a lot of souls in the pit that are not. I will give you help when I can, albeit will not be much. Before you say anything, this is help, not special treatment; you still have Hell to face.”
Shaking, shaking, shaking – how I did shake and shiver. I looked at Jack and I was bitter, but I bit it back. “Fine. Where do I sign up?”
“It’s just through dat do’ beside ya. Ta tha left, Hon.”
“So that’s it?”, I asked both of them, either probably thought I was asking only them.
“That’s it”, Jack came, keeping his dry tone.
“Yes, Sugah. Ya’ll got eternity ahead ah ya, take it in small doses; an’ large gulps only when ya can”, Brenda came from the side. I looked at her, black fur resonating under the lights, and saw my mother.
Time to go, leave, scoot. Shimmy, shake, and git.
I was gone, man. If the monster in the closet was going to eat me when my parents turned off the light, then I wasn’t going to hide under the covers; I wanted to be awake and aware when that bastard sunk it’s teeth into me. Flannel flapping behind me, I flew past Jack, those damn tears welling up the closer to that nondescript door to the left.
Employees Only
A look back was all I gave them, and looking back, I wish I had thanked Brenda for the pie; but my paw was on the knob and turning. Was there a demon behind there? Oozing out of black to engulf my screaming soul and drag my defenseless body off to Hell like Jimmy before me?
No. It was just a wall of gray light when I opened that door, and a breeze, softly, washing over me the scent of grass and moisture in the air.
Home.
I am a funnel, we are all funnels, I thought when I stepped forward, I am a funnel…
---
Wind picked up, and I knew they were wrong. I knew it.
The sweet smells and dancing lights told me, pushed me, held me. I was love. I was flying.
Voices, everyone’s voices, were in my ears, telling me how proud they were of me, I was a good person, and they loved me.
“We couldn’t of asked for a better son. We’re so proud of you, Bob.”
“You have so much talent.”
“You were always so nice to me.”
“Thank you for helping me.”
“We will always love you.”
I was warm and happy as a fetus. Somewhere was the rhythmic beating of a heart. Maybe my mother’s, maybe God’s.
The lights flashed around, spiraled along the edges of the blue-green horizon, and collided. Millions of lightening bugs flew off from the wreckage, hovering around me like tiny suspended stars, their ends twink-twinkling in front of my eyes.
Oh! I was happy. I was love.
Light was coming though. It started as a pinprick and irised from above - sunshine through the clouds. I was innocent of the light; only curious to what this new thing was that had my attention.
The rays worried me though, burning through the clouds of my protected, happy womb. One, then twenty all around. They burned off all the fireflies. Poor things.
“Why did you do that?”, I asked the source above, “They probably had families, probably millions, as insects go. I’m sure th-“
I looked into it, and it looked into me. It’s utter magnificence and age, a physical weight, washed through my wide-open eyes; and I understood. I looked on and pitied myself that I was before It, God, and I had nothing to say. I was really nothing in It’s wake. It did have love to give, but that came with a price of obedience. It showed me.
I reached out to this center of bathing light. I reached out, and I was dropped. God had let go.
“I thought you understood…”
---
Icarius knew this fall. A weighted feather with a back to where it’s going and eyes locked on that retreating, bright light that once warmed you, giving you everything. A pinprick, and me holding my arms out in my decent like a infant torn away from its mother’s breasts.
I only fell. All the love and contentment I had experienced came off thick as vapors.
A pinprick.
“And, gone”, someone said. It sounded close.
---
I blinked.
theres somethin happin here
what it is aint exactly clear[9]
Hello, little words. Why are you here? Who put you in the ground?
wouldnt it be nice if we were older
then we wouldnt have to wait so long[10]
My eyes scanned the lines burned into the blasted waste of a field that was opening up around me. Horizon to horizon, the finger-width letters scrolled in random rows and columns, disjointed, in the sandy earth. I ran my fingers delicately over the scorched soil; each letter was about an inch deep, a little less than from tip to second knuckle, and brittle along the black, caked edges.
I crawled along the ground on my paws and knees, reading and feeling along; finding all the words in the same scrawling print, and all bits of various lyrics from American songs.
My right paw just under Gordon Lightfoot:
sundown
ya better take care
if I find you been creepin round my back stairs[11]
Just above that, Blind Melon:
life
aint so shitty
theres a lot that you can be
and aint it a pity[12]
To the left side, my fingers buried in Leadbelly:
Let
the midnight special shine her light on me
oh let the midnight special shine her ever lovin light on me[13]
I crawled around, aimlessly, but calmly, picking out and focusing on any that caught my eye.
R.E.M.:
i am
ashamed to say
ugly girls know their fate
anybody can get laid[14]
Dan Bern:
i saw dead Marilyn Monroestrung up on every street corner in Hollywood like some two bit whore offerin a discount rate[15]
I sat up and back on my knees, eyes locked on the ground. I didn’t want to read them all. I didn’t, but there was some sort of passion in me to do just that – to fulfill, to waste, my time reading everything written, even if it was with my head lowered and alone. My eyes focused and blinked again, my second time since I found myself here, staring down at a bit of Bob Dylan:
wallflower, wallflower
wont you dance with me?
im sad and lonely too[16]
I ripped it apart. Dug my fingers into the groove of the first “w” and last “o”, closing my paw into a fist. I released, letting the soil slip back, then starting grabbing more fistfuls.
I spread Dylan into a fine powder.
I was calm. More to the point, I was numb. “You b-bastard,” I sat back, legs folded under me, and cast my eyes upward. It knew who I was talking to. “You just had to show me a gl…glimpse, not even a personal one, what you w-wanted me to see and feel, of Heaven. J-J…Just so you could say ‘I told you so’, then take it a-away. So…”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, that old folk singer slipping through my grip. “But you don’t care, so why am I talk-k-king to you? You kn-know where I am. Call up the front desk and ask for my room number.”
Laughing. Hissing, obscenely high-pitched laughing. “Funny boy,” something behind me, in that same falsetto.
I turned; black caught the corner of my eye, a raised shape in the flat scene. Blinked, turned, and the black was there again just out of perceptive vision; crawling, maybe slithering. Musk, sweat, and copper flowed in on a wind of this thing’s breathing, it’s panting, as it circled me; keeping just out of sight. “Words meant a lot to you, didn’t they?”, it mockingly crooned, still circling. “Give me tears, give me love
Let me rest, Lord above
Send the bored, your restless
The feedback scarred, devotionless”[17]
“Shut up!” I stood, spun trying to face it, gave up, and just stood, looking down with dirty, clenched fist. “Shut up…”
“Ooo, bad memories? Words hurt too, don’t they, boy?” I felt this living rape slinking closer behind me, all wasted semen and blood. “You’ll have to read me these words when you’re ass up and face down in the dirt.” Then it laughed again – all late-stage syphilis.
I only shivered in my helplessness, “W-What ar-are you? I’ll fi-fight you.”
“Oh, w-w-will you?” It caressed a blue-furred paw over my shoulder. The fingers were almost as long as my arm. “Please do. I love a struggling fuck. As opposed to a stuttering fuck.” Laugh.
“W-What are you sup-p-posed to be? Satan?”
More laughing as those fingers came up under my chin, lifting my head back until I was looking straight up; straight at him. Elongated lower jaw, capped with a line of fangs all the way around, blank eyes with black markings over them, and matted, with blood and various other bodily fluids, blue and white fur; looking at this, he said with a straight face, “Satan doesn’t live here anymore. I’m Drip. You’ll learn the difference.”
I didn’t fight back. I didn’t scream. I didn’t run. I suppose that’s what it means to be in Hell.
Drip pushed me down on my stomach, and then straddled my waist – he was taking his time. That lower jaw brushed my ear, and I flinched, but didn’t try to get away. “I'll save a prayer for you
So lost and longing to
Be dragged through dirty streets
Wrapped up in clean white sheets
And if you think they'll watch you now
You should know they won't”[18]
My paw clenched, tearing away a bit of John Lennon. “If you’re g-going to rape me, ju-just rape me and shut up.”
He just laughed and went about preparing himself, and me. That fetid, huffing breath blowing into my face. I could feel his penis slapping against my thigh – it was cold. I gagged.
I wasn’t prepared for when he slammed my head against the ground, it fitting easily in the cup of his palm. Then again, and again, and again. His weight resting on his paw, resting on my head, pushing me into the dirt as he positioned himself behind me.
I honestly don’t think I was crying, but then, just before he started, his dick at the ready, he leaned in, brushing my ear again – drooling, “Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this”[19]
But…
…I still didn’t shed a tear. I couldn’t think why I should. Then, Drip reminded me.
I lost my virginity in Hell.
---
I woke up somewhere else.
All the words, and Drip, were gone. At least, with my face half-buried in the soil, it looked that way – and his smell was gone. Guess time did more for me than God did.
Someone was coming. I tried getting up, but my head brought me back down – pounding and bleeding. I suppose if I were alive, I’d be dead.
So I crawled in the dark towards a rock not far off and tried to hole up there. I could still hear footsteps running, stopping, turning, and then running again not far off. Hopefully they weren’t looking for me, but who else was out here?
Waiting, I gave myself a once-over, and, aside from my head, I was fine. My clothes were whole, but it was still a little sore to sit down. Apparently, Hell likes to fix you up to hurt you again.
I wondered how long I was out as I cleaned the blood and dirt from my glasses.
Closer. I found I could stand if I laid my back against the rock and supported myself against it.
Paf, paf, paf
Nothing was there when I looked around the corner, just empty and black, like a crayon coloring of night.
Paf, paf…
It was here somewhere, but I couldn’t see, hear, or smell anything…
“Howdy!”
I involuntarily screamed and felt back on my paws, looking up. Then down.
Down.
Down.
“You’re funny. Are you Bob?”, this little kid, in a sailor suit, with no nose, looked down at me.
“Um…y-yes. W-What are you?”, I figured I was going to be asking that question a lot around here.
“Fnar.”
“Fnar?”, I blinked.
“Fnar.”
“Fnar.”
“Jack says for you to follow me.”
“He does, d-does he?”
“Yup!” I stood slowly as he put his paw in mine, pulling me along from out under the rock and around a dune.
“W-Where are we g-going?”, I asked, trying to keep up.
“You’ll see! You’ll see!”
He led me a ways, sometimes in a circle, down a path he was obviously trying to remember. I asked again where we were going.
“You’ll see! You’ll see!”
It wasn’t long before I started hearing voices. What sounded like thousands of voices, and not far off. Understandably though, I wasn’t really in a hurry to join them. Fnar had other ideas as he dragged me over a small hill and made me bare witness to what Hell was. A city, a walled city.
“What’s th-this?”
He pointed to an aging, wooden sign just next to us.
the city of Dis
I didn’t want to know what the brownish-red paint was.
“C’mon! Almost home!” He began pushing me forward, and that’s when I saw the line. Another line.
It stretched well beyond the horizon, an unordered, disjointed line full of people not wanting to move forward. At the front, under the entrance were two “guards”, thick-bodied, green-skinned things with their arms ending in points instead of paws. As one person got close, one of the “guards” would run them through and toss the gutted body inside the walls, where they screamed and shook, but, ultimately, stood up and walked into the city.
“Jack says ya have ta go through it, but it don’t hurt too much after awhile.”
“And you?”
“I go through the back entrance. You can’t though.”
“Oh.”
With that he took off, waving before he disappeared down the hill and around the corner of the wall, “See ya again soon, Mr. Bob!”
I waved back half-heartedly and started moving towards the line when my head cleared. I thought it would be better if I squeezed in front. I figured no one would mind.
[1] R.E.M. – “So. Central Rain”
[2] R.E.M. – “Camera”
[3] My son! My son, Kyoji! I’m sorry…I’m sorry… - roughly translated from Japanese
[4] - 5 R.E.M. – “Man On the Moon”
[6] Gillian Welch & Alison Krauss – “I'll Fly Away”
[7] R.E.M. – “Cuyahoga”
[8] R.E.M. – “Stand”
[9] Buffalo Springfield – “What’s That Sound?”
[10] The Beach Boys – “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?”
[11] Gordon Lightfoot – “Sundown”
[12] Blind Melon – “Life Ain’t So Shitty”
[13] Leadbelly – “Midnight Special”
[14] R.E.M. – “Tongue”
[15] Dan Bern – “Wasteland”
[16] Bob Dylan – “Wallflower”
[17] Smashing Pumpkins – “The Sacred and The Profane”
[18] Smashing Pumpkins – “Raindrops + Sunshowers”
[19] Smashing Pumpkins – “Mayonaise”