"So, where are we, exactly," said Chopper, scratching the fur on his face. "Are we lost again or what?"
Thona rummaged through his pocket, and pulled out a Map scroll. He read the Activation Formula, and the scroll immediately disintegrated with a flash. On the ground before them, dirt, leaves and grass started to move around, forming a perfect map with names written out and with a pine cone marking their position.
"This is us, in the Forest of Many Borders," he said, pointing at the cone with his long staff. "Ahead of us lies the Swamp of Misery, that little puddle there; after that there's the Mountain of Danger, those little rocks; and finally that patch of grass represents the Endless Savannah."
"The ant crawling through the Swamp of Misery, what does it represent?" asked Sheila.
"That," said Thona, sighing, "represents an ordinary ant, who happened to fall into the puddle."
"Oh."
"There's no way around?" asked Chopper. "No shortcuts?"
"Well, we could go south, through the land of the Tiger Warriors, but they'd eat us alive and turn our pelts into loin cloths as soon as we cross the border."
"North, then."
"The Arctic Waste. Care to wrestle Snow Bears and tango with Frost Giants?"
"Forget it. Forget I was ever born!" Chopper picked up a substantial part of the Mountain of Danger, and threw it into the trees. A loud crash was followed by a yelp, and the sound of something small in pain, scuttling.
"The ant's gonna drown, you know."
"Shut up, Sheila."
"Urgh," said the Nameless Orch.
"What did he say?" asked Spain the Barbarian.
"Why asking me?" snapped Chopper. "I don't speak Orch!"
"Calm down now, everybody," said Thona. "We need a majority decision, else we'll have to trust the Dice of Fate again, and you all know what happened last time."
"Oh, let's do that, please! They all burned so prettily!"
"Shut up, Sheila."
"What the hell did you bring her for?"
"I didn't. She was Thona's idea."
"Right, let's begin." Thona raised his staff. "I elect myself chairperson. We will each speak in turn. Personally, I'm for the head-on approach. It's dangerous, and we're most certainly all going to die, but some chance is better than no chance. That's one vote for head-on. Chopper?"
"What the hey, head-on." He shrugged.
"That's two. Spain?"
"I will never veer from the path of bravery!" The large wolf swung her giant sword, nearly cutting the tip off Thona's pointy hat. "I'm not a coward!"
"Of course you aren\x92t. So, that's three. Just one more for majority. Nameless Orch?"
"Urgh."
"What did he say?"
"Don't ask me!"
"Well, then there's three and one blank vote. What do you think, Sheila dear?"
"Why do you ask her? She's dumb as a post."
"I think we oughtta save that poor li'l ant."
"See? I told you!"
"Don't be mean, Chopper. That's three and two blanks. You haven't spoken, Water."
"I think," said the tiny fairy, sitting on top of Chopper's unruly hair, "that we should turn back to the nearest inn, use whatever cash we've got left, and get blind drunk."
"Three for head-on, three blank. You decide then, Lightfoot. Head-on or a Toss of Fate"
"Now, this is no matter for a rush decision. We, or rather I, should think the matter through. Mull it over. Give it some time."
Spain raised her sword, pointing it at the tall elf's neck. Her voice contained more ice than the Arctic Wastes.
"Decide. Now. And if you say we're cowards, you die."
"Head-on seems fine, I sure agree. Oh yes. Head-on it is."
"Alright." Thona tapped his staff on the ground. "We move head-on. Through the Swamp of Misery, over the Mountain of Danger, and across the Endless Savannah, to reach King Trakien\x92s castle. We're dead!"

The Swamp of Misery turned out to be accurately named. The path crossing it was at best hard to follow, and they often had to stop to pull Chopper, who went first, out of the rancid water. The poor ferret was beginning to develop quite a stink. Around them were tall mangroves, some strange, berry-covered bushes that they were afraid to even approach, and water. Everywhere water. The path was covered with a few inches of foul-smelling water, and it was never more than four feet wide.
"Has anyone thought that this is a perfect place to ambush a fellow?" asked Thona. "I mean, it's not as if we could run away."
"Yes, I know," said Spain. "That's why I should go first. With my superior reflexes I can gut them before they knew what hit them."
"On the other hand," said Chopper, drippingly wet, "who'd pull you out if you miss a step? You weigh a ton with that silly armour!"
"He has a point," said Thona. "I could float you out, but I\x92ve only three such scrolls left. We might need them later."
"Can\x92t you copy them?" asked Water.
"Well, I could write the words down somewhere else, but then they\x92re just words. Only a Scroll Writer can write working scrolls, and there hasn\x92t been one for hundreds of years. That\x92s why scrolls are so rare."
"All right, forgive a fellow for asking!"
"Asking\x92s good. If you don\x92t ask, you\x92ll never find out."
"Shut up, Sheila."
"Urgh."
"What was that?"
"The Nameless Orch went \x91Urgh\x92 again."
"I heard that! Has he spotted something?"
"How the hell should I know? Do I look like an orch?"
"Will you just shut up, all of you! It\x92s hard to keep on this track as it is."
"Heh, normally it\x92s just me that\x92s supposed to shut up. Now it\x92s everybody. Isn\x92t this great? We should sing a song and dance and..."
"Shut up, Sheila."
"What are those?" Water pointed out across the swamp.
"Where?"
"Just there, you dummy! Can\x92t you see where I\x92m pointing?"
"I can hardly see you, you little mosquito. Left or right?"
"Riight! They\x92re coming closer."
"Oh, I see them," said Lightfoot. "Don\x92t worry. They\x92re jacks o\x92lantern, my dear. Quite harmless."
"No, they\x92re not," said Water, almost panicking. "They\x92re huge! Can\x92t you see they\x92re still far away?"
"I think she\x92s right."
"Use a scroll of Identification, Thona."
The wizard started emptying his pockets, handing over handfuls of scrolls and papers to Lightfoot, who patiently held on to them. At last he found what he was looking for, and heaved the rest back into his pocket. He read out a few words, and the scroll burned with a poof, to Sheila\x92s delight. Out of the thin air in front of Thona\x92s face, words began to form.
"Well, let\x92s see now. They seem to be..."
"King Trakien\x92s Heavy Mobile Swamp Artillery Propeller Boats, loaded with trigger-happy skeletons," said Chopper.
"Oh, good," grinned Spain.
"Bloody Hell!" peeped Water.
"King Trakien\x92s Heavy Mobile Sw... oh! Yes. How did you know, Chopper?"
"Because we\x92re close enough to read the unit numbers on those damn boats! Take cover!"
"Where?"
"Use a scroll that builds a fortress with reinforced stone walls!"
"There is no such scroll."
"Why the Hell not!?"
"C\x92mon, you boneheads!" shouted Spain, her mouth frothing and her eyes wild. "Come on and die!"
"Oh great. Thona, Spain\x92s gone bananas again."
"Just stay out of her reach, or she\x92ll cut you down as well."
"How? There\x92s just us, the bad guys and the swamp. We\x92re dead!"
"I keep telling you." Thona reached for a scroll, and read it. Immediately, a bolt of lightning struck Lightfoot, leaving a pile of smouldering ashes. "Damn, wrong one! Ah, here."
As the scroll burst into flames, a gigantic, monstrous head appeared in the swamp, swallowed the skeleton-crewed boats, then disappeared. The others started congratulating Thona, as Spain sank to her knees in the rancid water.
"Damn it all, no fighting this time, either. Soon, I\x92ll start hacking at you guys."
"Urgh."
"Has anyone got any healing potion for the elf?" asked Water.
"I have," said Chopper, pulling out a small glass flask. "Um, where\x92s his mouth."
"What\x92s wrong?"
"How do you give ashes a drink?"
"Use a straw."
"Shut up, Sheila."
"Just pour it over him."
"I already did, nothing happened. How \x91bout a scroll of Resurrection?"
"No! I\x92m saving those."
"To use for yourself, I bet. You killed him. You bring him back."
"Such a scroll won\x92t work. We\x92d just get a pile of living ashes."
"How do you know if you won\x92t try?"
"Urgh."
"Quit arguing," said Spain, pointing her sword at the wizard. "Do it."
"Oh all right!" He read out the words, ignoring Sheila\x92s happy shouts and clapping hands as the scroll ignited. "There, happy now?"
Nothing seemed to have happened, at first, but then a pale hand reached up, out of the ashes. With a little help from Sheila and Spain, Lightfoot soon stood beside them again, shaking his head in disbelief.
"That was not very pleasant. Please don\x92t do it again."
"I\x92m sorry," said Thona. "I got out the wrong scroll, and..."
"You should get a filing cabinet."
"Say, Sheila, that\x92s a pretty good idea."
"Can it. Who would carry that? Shut up, Sheila."

"This job is so boring. I can\x92t believe you volunteered us for it!"
"But it\x92s important! The kingdom could stand or fall with us."
"Then it\x92s in even bigger trouble than I thought." The words were spoken by a tall skeleton, slightly yellowed with age. He sat on a small rock just at the foot of the Mountain of Danger, looking out across the murky swamp. "This place reeks!"
"You ain\x92t got a nose, Erwin."
"I meant metaphorically, okay. Anyway, who\x92d be dumb enough to cross the swamp, then smart enough to get past the boats? You shouldn\x92t have volunteered."
Kevine the Skeleton sneered as well as he could. Erwin was grumpy, but he was a fairly good soldier. It was just that he simply couldn\x92t appreciate how important it was to keep the Royal Palace safe. Even if you were doing it four hundred miles away. Kevine, on the other hand, knew the significance of the little man doing his job. When time for promotions came, he would definitely outrank his comrade.
Erwin was puffing on a cigarette, blowing smoke rings through his ribs. What a dimwit they had paired him with! He couldn\x92t wait for the revision of the ranks, when Kevine would almost certainly be busted down to dog food. He himself had no ambitions to become an officer. Kevine, though, saw himself as the stuff from which generals and admirals spring. The shorter skeleton had no view at all of his own incompetence, but sought to toady his way up the ranks. With their luck, they would soon both be dead again on some blood-stained battle field. Even that was better than guarding some rancid swamp against imaginary intruders. Lost in his thoughts, Erwin didn\x92t even see the arrow strike. One second Kevine was sitting there, the next he had burst into flames. Screaming, Kevine threw himself into the swamp water, while Erwin reached for the sky.
"Don\x92t shoot!" he yelled. "You wanna pass, do so. Just don\x92t shoot."
Six people came walking towards him. They were led by a huge wolf with a sword longer than she was tall, but there were no doubts as to who the real leader was. As they reached him, he bowed deeply, addressing the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
"Greetings, fair maiden, I take it you are the leader of this fine group. I am Erwin the Skeleton, formerly guardian of the Mountain of Danger."
"Hi Erwin. I\x92m Sheila the Meaningless." She turned to Thona. "Did you hear that? I\x92m the leader!"
"No, you\x92re not. We have no leader, but I function as a spokesman. We intend to travel to the Royal Palace, and to defeat and kill the evil King Trakien. Do you intend to stop us?"
"Hell no! Be my guests. Being dead ain\x92t much of a ball, but it beats dying a second time. Bye, y\x92all!"
"He was cute. Can\x92t we keep him?"
"How can you say he\x92s cute? He\x92s a damn skeleton!"
"At least he\x92s got better manners than most around here. He called me a fair maiden."
"Did you see any eyes in his head? Didn\x92t think so. Shut up, Sheila."
"I\x92m sorry about your friend," said Lightfoot, nodding to the place where Kevine had disappeared. "I am sure he will emerge any minute, now, largely undamaged."
What a pity, Erwin thought, as he thanked the elf politely. As the party of adventurers passed him, beginning their escalation, he noticed that one of them had a fairy in his hair. So they were seven in all. No big deal. In his report, they would be twenty, all heavily armed. Considering that Kevine hadn\x92t seen them at all, perhaps he should make them thirty. Picking up a piece of charcoal from a bush that had been ignited by the flaming arrow, he began blackening himself. Might as well look as if I put up a fight.

When general Sverdur received report from the Swamp Guard that forty-five warriors had forced their way past the boats and the guards, he immediately strangled the messenger orch. Caravan\x92s precious boats destroyed! The tinkerer would not be happy. Releasing the limp orch body, he shouted for another messenger. Then he began the painstaking work of putting words on paper; writing, they called it. Finally shredding the message, he grabbed the new messenger orch by the collar, roaring in his ear.
"Tell general Caravan that his swamp boats are crap, then tell general Starbuck that I want two battalions ready within the hour! I am going to search the Mountain of Danger!"
The orch scampered off as fast as his legs would carry him. A slight shift of the room\x92s air pressure told Sverdur that another general had arrived.
"Ah, Yoshi!" he bellowed. "Just the one I wanted. I am going to the Mountain of Danger to perform some security business. I want you to make sure that security back here doesn\x92t suffer while I\x92m gone."
The black-clad little man nodded slightly, indicating that he had heard and understood everything. General Yoshi, in charge of counter-assassination and palace maintenance, very rarely spoke. As quietly as he had arrived, he was gone. Some people found his manners disturbing, but Sverdur liked him. Yoshi, in his opinion, was the only one of the generals, besides himself, who didn\x92t just babble meaningless nonsense all the time. He pulled his seven-foot, two-hundred and fifty pound body to its feet, then began putting on his best war clothes. Sverdur did not believe in armour, and wore only a light leather chestplate for protection. Five minutes later, he began raising hell for the skeletons who were exercising in the court yard.

On the Mountain of Danger, the party had reached the snow limit. They were now wading in knee-deep snow, with Spain plowing the way. She felt right at home here, where it was freezingly cold and the air was thin. Lightfoot had more trouble. Despite having borrowed several spare coats, he was blue to the cheeks and shivering. Politely, he had reclined when Thona offered him a warming spell, and now he was clattering his teeth at they walked on, heading for the Pass of Howling Winds, which was the only way to get somewhat safely to the other side of the mountain range. Chopper, Thona and the Nameless Orch followed Spain with some difficulty, while Sheila seemed to love the snow. Occasionally, she would throw a snowball down the mountainside, giggling loudly as she started avalanche after avalanche. Water had crawled into Chopper\x92s backpack, where she was snoring soundly.
"Aren\x92t we getting there?" Chopper asked. "I can\x92t feel my toes."
"According to the Guidance scroll, about fifteen hundred feet. But it\x92s a tough climb the last of the way."
"Tough!" Spain snorted. "You just follow ol\x92 Spain, and I\x92ll see you through."
"I am so relieved to hear that."
A low, rumbling sound increased until it became deafening. Once it subsided, all they could hear was Sheila\x92s laughter. Chopper slapped her shoulder.
"Will you cut that out? We\x92re trying to talk!"
"I thought we were done talking! I thought it was time for action!"
"In this snow? On this mountain? Get a grip, wolf!"
"Who\x92s he?" Sheila pointed to the barely visible Pass of Howling Winds, where a hooded figure watched their approach.
"Thona, Identify!"
"Chopper, I told you not to waste my scrolls. Let\x92s just ask him."
"If you were a real wizard, you would be able to Identify without those damn scrolls."
"Don\x92t be mean, Chopper."
"I say we all pull out our swords, run up there, screaming our war cry, then hack him to death!"
"And what if he\x92s friendly?"
"Then I\x92ll apologise."
"Of course you will. Lightfoot, could you hit him with an arrow?"
"N-n-n-n-o-o, n-n-not-t-t r-r-reall-l-ly. Y-y-you see, i-in this-s w-w-weather, I-I am not as acc-c-curate as usual-l."
"He\x92s shivering like a fig leaf on a belly dancer, \x91s what he says. Identify!"
"Oh, all right!"
"Yay, more fireworks! Can\x92t you toss it up high into the air, so we can watch it scatter into tiny sparks of varying colours?"
"Shut up, Sheila!"
The scroll poofed, and Thona waited for the words to arrange themselves. It seemed to take longer than usual. Finally, though, he was able to read it out.
"Unknown human, unarmed. No magical powers, possibly mentally unstable. Currently asleep. This is all I get for using a scroll? Thanks a lot, Chopper."
"Yeah, you\x92re welcome!"
"That\x92s all we needed to know. Let\x92s welsh him before he contacts his army!"
"How do you know he\x92s got an army, Spain?"
"He\x92s bound to, or he wouldn\x92t stand around here, unarmed."
"She\x92s got a point."
"Urgh."
"No. No killing unless we have to. Let\x92s just sneak past him."
"Soft-hearted magic-spitting no-good pointy-hatted furless bearded wimp!"
"No killing, Spain."
"I heard you! Just let records show I disagree!"
Slowly, they began making their way up to the sleeping stranger. Beneath the hood they could see, as they got closer, a yellow beard. The man was holding something underneath his cloak, but not even Spain, with her fine eyes, could see what it was. Where he stood, the pass was just a few metres wide, and they had to sneak by him one by one. First Spain, making track, then Chopper with Water, next Thona, a clattering Lightfoot, and the Nameless Orch. The Orch slipped as he pressed his massive bulk up against the rock wall, and he dropped the golf bag, in which he kept his various choices of clubs. One of them rolled towards the stranger, and the others held their breath. Then Sheila, last one in line, nimbly dived down, catching the club mere inches from the sleeping man\x92s foot. Chopper stifled a sigh, and Thona dried sweat from his forehead, despite the cold. Smiling, Sheila held up the club.
"Hello-o-o! Mr Nameless Orch? You dropped this one!"
Immediately, the man woke up, looking around him. The party stood as if petrified, everybody shaking with anger at Sheila.
"Huh? Oh! Ah! It\x92s you!" the stranger said. "I\x92ve been keeping my eyes open for you."
"No, you haven\x92t."
"Shut up, Chopper!"
"I am the Bard!" said the man, casting back his hood to reveal a bearded face, that might have been handsome if it hadn\x92t been for the wildly staring eyes and the dribbling from the mouth. The object he held was a lute. "I am here to sing to you."
"Oh, how nice! We could build a fire, and clap along, and... oh, I know, shut up, Sheila, I know."
"Good, then I won\x92t have to say it this time." Chopper said, turning to the Bard. "Why sing to us?"
"Because it is my destiny!" He laughed, causing more drooling. "Only when I\x92ve sung one thousand riddles, will I be sane again, and thus, able to return to my beloved Esmerelda, in the beautiful Valley of Sunset. There, she waits, with our two little sons, for me, her loved one, to come home."
"How many are you at?"
"Nine hundred and ninety-six, counting yours. I\x92ve just a few more to go, then I\x92m free, free!!"
"All right, Clyde, shoot!"
"Eh?"
"Sing us your riddle, Mr Bard."
"Oh! Ah. Here you have it." He started playing his lute, and Chopper wished he hadn\x92t. Not one note was in tune. Sheila clapped along.

"What do you seek, what the tide brings?
Would you plot, to kill kings?
Do you quest, the little things
the tyrant fears, that make him cringe?

Warriors seven, young and bold!
Do as your Bard has told!
Seek where haunted fires scold!
There you will find things of gold!

One for each, and two for one!
But without, there must be none!
When the king is dead and gone,
only then, remove them, and... and... and... oh, blood and guts, what the hell rhymes with one? Son? Gone? No, I\x92ve used that. Long? No, has a g in it. Ah!
only then, remove them, when you\x92ve won!"

He bowed deeply, accepting Sheila\x92s eager and Lightfoot\x92s polite applause. The others looked at each other.
"What crappy singing," said Water.
"What crappy rhyming," added Chopper.
Spain lifted her sword, and went over to the man. With one swift stroke, she decapitated him, turning the snow red. The others looked on, horrified.
"I said, no killing, Spain!" Thona shouted.
"Urgh."
"See, the Nameless Orch\x92s with me. Should we have gone on, opening our backs to him? Besides, he threatened my life!"
"Yeah?" asked Chopper. "Mind telling me how?"
"By singing like that. Do you know how sensitive a wolf\x92s ear is?"
"Okay, if you put it that way. At least he won\x92t sing any riddle to Trakien, revealing our whereabouts."
"H-h-h-how-w c-c-can you be s-so c-c-callous-s about a h-h-human life?"
"Oh, his poor family!" Sheila cried, causing a new avalanche behind them. "Who will care for them now? They\x92ll never see their father again!"
"What do you suggest?" Water asked. "Should we mail them his head?"
Sheila bawled even louder.
"Feh! They could get a job!" Spain snorted. "Or better yet, she could sell the brats to a passing slave merchant. That\x92d bring in some cash."
Now, Sheila was screaming. Thona and Lightfoot both looked pale, but the other four weren\x92t touched. Spain brought out a large boning knife.
"At least we\x92ll get off those awful traveller\x92s rations tonight. Who\x92s for barbecue?"
Now, even the fairy and the ferret began to look green to the face, while the Nameless Orch brought out skewers and Spain hacked away. The Orch quickly built a fire, while Spain picked out a few select chunks of meat.
"Aah, shish kebab! Sure you haven\x92t changed your minds?"
"Oh, what the hey, give me one," said Chopper.
Water nodded eagerly, while the other three ran behind a cliff, losing both appetite and lunch.

"I can\x92t believe we\x92re here, doing this!" Erwin complained, for the seventeenth time. "How the f..."
"Language, m\x92boy!" Kevine twittered.
"How the heck could you volunteer us again?" He sat down on a snow covered rock. "I mean, isn\x92t it bad enough almost getting killed in that f..., that darned swamp? Do we have to die up here, on this desolate mountaintop, far away from friends and family?"
"Don\x92t grouch. We\x92ll help general Sverdur surround the terrorists."
"That crazy two-bit viking fake! He\x92s gonna cut us down, too, you know. He never knows when to stop."
"Nonsense! The general will kill the terrorists, and we\x92ll deal with those that try and run. They will taste our steel, and then, m\x92boy, it\x92s promotion time!"
"Yeah, sure, promotion from the living dead to the dying dead. Some prospects, Kevine! Now, where the h..., where the heck is that pass?"
"Just over there, by that pillar of smoke."
"Pillar of smoke?"
"Holy femur! We\x92ve located them!"
"Fine..."

"Did you really have to eat him...?" Thona was still pale as a ghost.
"I did offer you a taste."
"Cannibalism is a mortal sin," said Lightfoot. "You will all surely burn in hell."
"It is not! It\x92s a fine tradition, to gain the strength and abilities of one\x92s enemy." Spain was grinning, her fangs gleaming evilly at the elf. "Besides, it\x92s a damn fine way to increase your rations."
"Not to mention, we\x92re not humans, and therefore we\x92re technically not cannibals," Water added. "Only, Spain would probably eat her own grandmother."
"Yuck! Don\x92t be revolting! She\x92s a hundred and six! I\x92d rather chew the bark off an oak tree."
"Oh, look! There\x92s the skeleton!"
"Of course it is, Sheila! They ate what... what was on it."
"No, not him. Him! Erwin! Hi, Erw! C\x92mon over!"
"Shut up, Sheila! They might be an army!" Thona hissed.
"No, they\x92re not. Sheila is right. Those are the one that let us pass, and the one I shot."
"Oh, well." Spain shrugged, getting up. "I\x92ll hack\x92em!"
"No, this time you don\x92t! Come here, my friends, tell us your errand."
"To hunt you into the arms of general Sverdur, and to ki... Ooff!" Erwin had elbowed Kevine in the ribs.
"Shut up, Kevine! We\x92re travelling over the mountain to become pilgrims on the Endless Savannah. We are to convert the animals into righteous believers."
"We are...? Ooff!"
"There\x92s something fishy here. We should gut them!"
"How?"
"Okay, then smash them!"
"Now you\x92re talking," Chopper said, drawing his sword.
"Urgh," said the Nameless Orch, picking among his clubs to find a suitable one.
"Wait a minute? Believers in what?"
"Huh?"
"What belief are you going to teach the animals on the Endless Savannah?"
"To righteously fear and bow down to the mighty king Tra... Ooff!"
"The love for nature, of course. To live in peace and only take from the world what you need, to keep in harmony with the song of Gaia."
"Have you gone insane?"
"Shut up, Kevine! Do you want to die again?"
"That sounds so nice and noble," Sheila sobbed. "So very nice. You\x92re a nice person, Mr Erwin."
"See, it works," Erwin whispered to Kevine. "Just agree with me and we\x92ll make it."
"Who wants to make it! I want to perish performing my duty to... Ooff!"
"You see, fellow travellers, my friend here is ill. His brain is damaged."
"He\x92s a skeleton. His skull\x92s empty."
"See? It\x92s very damaged. He has done... terrible things! He believes himself to be a soldier of darkness. We must atone! What better way than to spread the good word?"
"What indeed," Thona said. "So Sverdur\x92s on the Mountain? Well, never mind. He cannot catch us; that possibility wasn\x92t even in the Foretelling. However, I would advice you two gentlebones not to inform him of our presence. He would most likely grind you to dust for bearing bad news."
"We\x92d kinda figured that one out ourselves..."
"We had?"
"Shut up, Kevine. We\x92re out of here! Whatever it is that might be your goal, I hope you reach it. Bye, now!"
"Reach it, only to be crushed at the heels of the Seven Generals! Mwahahahah!"
"C\x92mon, Kevine. See? Totally brain-damaged!"
Pulling his reluctant companion by the collar bone, Erwin left the party, proceeding down the southern mountainside. Looking after them, Chopper reached down for a handful of snow, making an ice-hard snowball. Shrugging, he dropped it, causing an avalanche that picked up the two skeletons. By the time the cloud of snow had settled, there was nobody left on the mountainside.
"Hey, unfair! Why can he have fun and not me?"
"Shut up, Sheila!"
Descending proved to be just as trying as ascending. After Chopper\x92s avalanche, the mountainside was slippery, and every now and then someone fell a few dozens of metres, screaming. Only Spain and Lightfoot kept to their feet all the way down. Water soon abandoned the unsafe Chopper, preferring to sit on Spain\x92s shoulder, both of them whooping with delight as the others took their dives. Then, suddenly, the Nameless Orch slipped, but didn\x92t fall. Instead, he sat down, looking about him with what to other orchs would be a quizzical look on his face.
"Urgh?"
"What did he say?"
"I think he means we\x92re down," Thona said. "Look, it\x92s all flat. We\x92ve reached the Endless Savannah."
"Why\x92s it called Endless?"
"Because it is, stupid!"
"No, Water," Thona said, patiently. "Endless doesn\x92t exist. It got its name because it is so vast. It\x92s never been properly mapped."
"So where are we going?"
"West, I think."
"Why west? What\x92s wrong with north?"
"Do you want to go arctic, wolfie?"
"Call me that again and I\x92ll cut off both your..."
"Calm down now, everybody. At least it\x92s warmer."
"Wuss!"
"We will need to go west to get to Trakien\x92s palace, Spain. There\x92ll be thousands of skeletons there."
"Good!"
"What about the Bard?"
"What about him, Sheila?"
"He sang about finding gold things, didn\x92t he?"
"So?"
"Shouldn\x92t we find the gold things?"
"Is this in the Foretelling, Thona?"
"Not really, Lightfoot. It says \x91help travels in various forms, and comes often unbidden\x92, that might\x92ve been him."
"So where is the gold?" Water asked, licking her lips. "He said something about \x91two for one\x92. That\x92ll be me!"
"You could hardly carry one whatever-it-is," Chopper said. "Don\x92t be greedy, little mosquito."
"Call me that again and I\x92ll pull out your nostril hairs while you sleep!"
"Calm down now, everybody. Shall we call for a vote, or roll the Dice?"
"To hell with voting. I want the gold!"
"Me too!"
"Wait a second. Water and Chopper, that\x92s two for gold. Spain?"
"War!"
"Two for gold, one for palace. Lightfoot."
"We should trust that man. He seemed a genuine soothsayer."
"Three for gold. Sheila?"
"We should at least honour his memory!" she exclaimed. Spain burped loudly. "Ooh, you horrible creature!"
"Wanna make something out of it, bimbo?"
"Calm down now, everybody. Just for the record, I\x92m for the gold. That\x92s five for, one against, and I don\x92t really think we need to establish that the Nameless Orch gives a blank vote again."
"Urgh?"
"Exactly. Now, where can we find magical gold? 'Where haunted fires scold', he sang."
"Poorly."
"Yes, Chopper, but anyway, those were the words." Thona scratched his beard. "South, maybe. There\x92re supposed to be volcanoes down by Treeshaper\x92s Haven."
"I know that place," Lightfoot said. "Legend has it the volcano is actually a sleeping dragon... well, burping."
"Burping?"
"You see, it\x92s a troll legend. They\x92re very crude characters."
"Wahahaa!" Water laughed. "You\x92re blushing, elf! You should hear what the Northmen say about the waterfall at Stormcrest. They say it\x92s actually a giant who..."
"May we have a little, tiny bit of focus, people?" Thona said. "A decision is made, and we go south, to the Haven. I take it upon myself to decide we travel along the edge of the Savannah, to avoid the Tiger Warriors."
"Why the hell should we avoid them?"
"Because they usually travel in very large packs, Spain. Would you like to fight your way through sixty very well-armed Warriors intending to kill you?"
"Yes, please!"
"Forget I asked. Let\x92s go."
With Thona in the lead, they marched south. Water settled down in Sheila\x92s hair, Lightfoot brought out his bow, stringed it, and kept scanning the mountains to their left. The Nameless Orch took up the rear, happily munching on leftover Bard-bits.

Back at the foot of the Mountain of Danger, hours passed, without any signs of life. A small bird landed on a slightly yellowed stone, sticking out of the snow. Strange, it thought, there was no stone here yesterday. The thought stayed only for a brief second, though, and with the joyous lack of short-term memory small birds have, it settled down to enjoy the sunny day. Just as it was about to fall asleep, having carefully scanned the heavens for hawks, the stone moved, and the bird flew off. A series of dissatisfied grunts were heard from beneath the snow, and soon a skeletal hand emerged into the sunlight. More grunts, and Kevine the skeleton could get up, brushing off the snow. Searching the ground, he found a bone sticking up a bit away, and he went over to pull it free. All he got in his hand, though, was a thigh bone.
"Oh, Erwin, my friend," he howled. "Is this all your earthly remains? Too soon were you plucked from your happy death, and now I\x92m all alone."
"Shut up, Kevine, and give me that damned bone before I fall over!"
A while later, they reached the Endless Savannah. By the first few strands of grass, a high mound of corpses was piled. They walked around it twice, finding both orchs, trolls, were-wolves and skeletons. Erwin shivered, clattering his teeth.
"What do you think happened?" Kevine asked. "The intruders got them?"
"No. This means general Sverdur failed to catch them. When he does, he always kills one fifth of his soldiers, as a warning to the rest. He must have moved back to the palace."
"You mean they were slain by our own?" He picked up a skeleton skull. "Alas, poor Phil! I knew him well, Erwin. He was a good card player, and he had drilled holes in his legs, so he played Rule Britannia whenever he was out in a strong breeze."
"Look, he even killed the orch captain! And you wanted to re-join this crew, Kevine?"
"I\x92ve re-considered. Thought it over and changed my mind. So, what do we do?"
"Do? Do? We\x92ll have to become highwaymen, I guess. To make a dying. Valiant robbers and scoundrels, stealing from the rich and giving to..."
"Ourselves!" they finished together. Kevine continued. "Might be a good idea, but are there any highways around here?"
"No, why?"
"Are we gonna be savannahmen, then? Robbing hyenas, elephants and safari tourists?"
"Good point, well made," Erwin said, slapping the other\x92s collar bone. "Have you got any idea?"
"We could join that other team. You know, with that girl with those huge..."
"Sorry, Kevine, no can do."
"Why not? They\x92re only seven, they could need two good swordsbones."
"Didn\x92t you hear their wizard? They\x92re on a prophesied quest! That means their pattern is set. They\x92re following a foretelling, and if it doesn\x92t specifically mention \x91Join up with two mad skeletons\x92, they won\x92t."
"So, what do we do?"
"I don\x92t know, Kevine, that\x92s why I asked you!"
"Well, I don\x92t know either. I\x92m brain-damaged, remember!"
"Yes, you are! I\x92m always the thinking one, you sorry pile of periostitis!"
"You, thinking? Thinking us into that avalanche, perhaps? Or thinking us into unemployment? Well, think us out of it, then, Mr Brain!"
"I will! All right? Just give me a second!"
"It\x92s up already, Erwin!"
"Well, if my company doesn\x92t suit you, then trot along! Go on! See how long you\x92ll manage on your own!"
"I\x92ll do that, thank you very much!"
Fuming, Kevine turned and left, walking south. Erwin stayed where he was for about a minute, then headed west, muttering curses under his breath.

Treeshaper\x92s Haven was a chaotically designed town. If, indeed, it was designed at all, Chopper thought as they made their way on the crowded streets. Maybe it just sort of happened. An accident. His train of thought was interrupted as he bumped into Spain, almost losing his footing. The barbarian hardly even noticed. The party had reached the marketplace, and Thona had stopped by a booth, bargaining with its owner. After a long exchange in human tongue, the wizard handed over a pouch, receiving a scroll of parchment instead.
"We\x92re in luck," he said, beaming happily.
"What, you\x92ve found a useful scroll?" Chopper asked. "One that can turn us invisible and invulnerable to fire, so we can sneak down into the volcano and retrieve the gold thingies?"
"No, I\x92ve bought a map that shows the volcano\x92s location. There is no scroll like that."
"Oh. Wait a minute! That pouch must\x92ve held gold worth at least a thousand markers! How could you pay him that much?"
"Because it is an enchanted map, Chopper. It not only shows the way, it also shows north and south, and blinks red if danger approaches. It\x92s quite a find."
"Still, that must\x92ve been our last gold."
"Well, actually, it\x92s rocks. We\x92d better be out of town before the masking spell wears off."
"Thona, you\x92re a man to my liking!" Spain said, slapping the wizard so hard he nearly fell over.
"You mean you cheated the poor salesman?" Lightfoot said, shocked. "Bereaving him of his honest profit?"
"Get real!" Water squeaked. "D\x92you think anyone here makes an honest profit? These people would sell their mothers for half a crown, and paint themselves purple for a whole."
"Urgh!"
"Now what?"
"All we need now is a guide, someone to lead us as we seek the volcano," Thona said, oblivious to the grunting Orch. "Preferably someone with local knowledge, maybe someone unemployed."
"The Orch\x92s found one," Spain said. "That girl over there, holding the sign saying \x91Will work for food. Excellent guide.\x92. Nice work, Orchie!"
"Urgh."
"Yes," Chopper said. "Very good. Very. What a cutie!"
The girl was a cat, tall and slender and pretty. She sat leaned against a wall, dressed in rags and holding her sign, and Thona found her a pitiful sight. Signalling for the others to wait, he trotted over.
"Too skinny for my taste." Spain shook her head, earning a curious look from the ferret. "But we could always hire her as a guide."
"You know, Spainie, I think that\x92s just what our brave leader is doing."
"Unless he\x92s on the pull," Water said, giggling. "Who knows what naughty thoughts hide underneath that pointy hat."
"Now there, no need to cast insinuations. Thona is a man of the mind."
"Of a dirty mind, elf. Remember, he\x92s the one who brought Sheila with him."
"He set me free from the slave market," Sheila said. "Just walked in and paid for my release. We\x92ve been partners ever since."
"See? Told you so! He has a thing for young, curvy bubble-heads."
"You\x92re his... lover, Sheila?" Spain asked, grinning.
"Noo! His partner! I walk into a village, then I get ill, and he comes right in and cures me with his special secret potion. Then everybody buys it, and we leave with loads of cash."
"And the special secret potion is what?" Chopper asked. "Salt water?"
"Have you been looking through his recipes?"
"No, Sheila, just a wild stab in the dark."
Just then, the wizard returned, with the young cat girl in his trail. She smiled shyly at them when they were introduced. Chopper put on a winsome grin, straightened his hair and tried his best to be charming.
"Everyone, this is Lina. She has agreed to become our guide, to the price of sixteen crowns."
"Why sixteen? Such an odd number."
"Well," Lina said, blushing slightly. "It\x92s my sixteenth birthday today, so this nice man added an extra crown to my ordinary fee."
"And you\x92re sure you can show us the volcano?" Spain said, fingering her sword. "Because you\x92ll not be happy if you fail!"
"I know my way around these mountains," Lina said, shivering at the sight of the wolf. "I grew up in the wilderness after my parents and siblings were murdered by robbers, and I ran away from my terrible uncle who said he\x92d take care of me, but put me to work and..."
"There, there, little one," Thona soothed, bringing out a handkerchief to wipe her tears. "No one is going to hurt you. Now, would you please show us the way?"
"Okay. First, we need to go west."

General Starbuck threw a tantrum when Sverdur returned, one fifth of his men brutally massacred. Shrugging it all off, the hulking brute had commented on the poor quality of undead armies these days, and gone to have supper. Still fuming, Starbuck had ordered his men into training, then gone to see his best friend, general Caravan. The inventor had his laboratory in one of the back rooms of the palace, with a patio overlooking the lake behind it. This was one of Starbuck\x92s favourite places, and he sat down his massive gorilla body on a creaking chair, ordering one of his house slaves to sing a ballad. A sign on the patio door said Do Not Disturb, and the banging noises from within told him that Caravan was up to something. Suddenly, the slave stopped singing, and Starbuck was just about to ask him why, when a bony hand landed on his shoulder, startling him.
"Damn you, Yoshi, don\x92t do that! Wanna give me a heart attack?" The black-clad man simply stared at him, and Starbuck felt shivers run down his spine. Always so damn quiet! "What\x92s up? C\x92mon, man, talk to me! Huh? General to general? Aw, forget it! Forget I was ever born! Is it about palace security?" Yoshi nodded. "Want more troops?" Another nod. "Just give me a couple of minutes, okay? I need a word with general Caravan." A shrug this time. "We\x92re going to try out my air force idea one more time, and I need to make some things clear. Okay? I said, okay?"
The dark man was gone.

"He\x92s like a brother to me! I can\x92t believe he turned me away!" If Kevine\x92d had eyes, they would have been streaming with tears. The rhinoceros man sitting next to him patted his shoulder blade comfortingly. "I have to get back! I have to find him!"
"But you don\x92t know where he\x92s gone?" Reknik had introduced himself as a tourist guide, and offered Kevine to buy some maps of the Endless Savannah. After a while, he had brought out a bottle of whiskey, and they were now both quite drunk. "Or if he\x92ll take you back."
"Noo! Don\x92t say that!" It was hard for a skeleton to get plastered, but Kevine had done a fairly good job. "He\x92ll let me come back. We\x92re partners! Front line mates! We were supposed to become highwaymen, but we never found a highway! He\x92s like a brother to me. I mean, like a brother, you know, like a brother. Let me rephrase that, he\x92s like a brother to me!"
"I know how you feel, Kevine!" The rhino blew his nose, and took another swig. "I had a co-worker for years, we ripped off... I mean worked for, large tourist groups. For years! Then she just took the cash and left with a renegade Tiger Warrior. Last I heard, he had gone back to old habits, and skinned her."
"He\x92s like a brother to me!!!"
They both collapsed on Reknik\x92s picnic table, bawling and sobbing.