Story and character are (c) Lars Hellberg

Original story is (c) The Brothers Grimm

Author\x92s note: This is what happens when boredom onsets a twisted mind (mine). Please, please don\x92t even try to take this seriously. It\x92s just spoof, okay? No fairy tale characters were harmed during the production of this story.

Once upon a time, in a forest far, far away, there came a little girl skipping and trolling along a path, merrily swinging a basket. How happy she looked, in her lovely, red little dress and her lovely, red little hood! Bouncing along, she didn\x92t seem to have a single care in the world. Little did the girl know, however, that she was being watched! Behind a burnt-out car stood a tall, ferocious Wolf, and he had his yellow eyes set on her. \x91What a pretty little thing,\x92 he thought, licking his lips as he imagined serving her as hors-d\x92oeuvre at his bachelor party later that night. \x91Lovely little thing indeed.\x92 Hurriedly, he combed his hair, then rubbed his hands with joyful glee as he stepped out onto the path, anticipating her woeful screams of horror.

"Hey Mister," the girl said, her tiny voice totally devoid of fear. "You\x92re in my way!"

"Where are you going, my little friend? What\x92s in your basket, and what\x92s your name?"

"Man, you\x92re nosy. I\x92m the Little Red Riding Hood, and I\x92m on my way to Granma\x92s house, to give her this basketful of chips, popcorn and two six-packs of beer. She\x92s bedridden, and she hasn\x92t stocked up for the World Cup broadcasts."

"Little Red Riding Hood?" the Wolf asked, smiling like a politician. "What a strange name... It seems vaguely familiar..."

"You never read fairy tales? What are you, thick or something? My mom\x92s completely hooked on those things, she\x92s named all the kids after fairy tale characters. It\x92s worst for my brother, The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe."

"I come from the wrong side of the tracks, little girl. The only books we had to read were Guns and How to Use Them, Me and My UZI, and 101 Ways of Escaping a Paternity Suit."

"Would you mind getting outta my way? Germany - Brazil is on in a minute, and poor ol\x92 Granma is all out of snacks."

"You know, little girl," the Wolf said, pointing to a road leading to the left. "That way is much faster, if you take it, Granma won\x92t even miss kick-off."

"Yeah, sure!" the Little Red Riding Hood snorted. "So you can get there before me and trick your way to the goodies! I\x92ve seen the cartoons!"

"Now don\x92t be stubborn, little girl!" The Wolf was losing patience, and advanced menacingly on the Little Red Riding Hood. "Come this way!"

"Fuck off, creep!"

Reaching into her basket for a second, the girl pulled out a canister, giving the Wolf a muzzleful of tear gas. Coughing and gasping, he fell to the ground, while the Little Red Riding Hood skipped along, happily humming on a cheerful tune.

The Wolf writhed in pain for a couple of minutes, then sat up, red-eyed and generally pissed off. \x91This means war,\x92 he thought, and started jogging down a road leading to the right, which was the real short-cut. Before long, he reached a luxurious two-storey villa, complete with satellite dish, swimming pool and a two-car garage. Stepping up to the front door, the Wolf rang the doorbell. When it opened, he found himself staring into the business end of a Winchester rifle, but he quickly gathered his wits.

"Pizza delivery, ma\x92am."

"Pizza? I ain\x92t ordered no pizza!"

"The address checks out, ma\x92am. Granma\x92s house, the forest. That\x92s right, isn\x92t it?"

"So it is." The old woman put the gun away. "Must be the ol\x92 senility kickin\x92 in. How much is it?"

"A quarter past four, ma\x92am."

"The pizza, nitwit! Geez, where do the get people like you? Can you split a twenty?"

"Erh..." The Wolf thought for a moment, but decided that ripping the bill in half probably wasn\x92t the thing to do. "Sorry, ma\x92am, \x91fraid not."

"Oh, all right! C\x92mon in and I\x92ll see what I can find."

Unable to quite suppress a snigger, the wolf followed Granma into the kitchen, where he picked out a sturdy frying pan, and clubbed her down. Hurrying, he got rid of the corpse, then thought for a second. The last he wanted was to sniff more tear gas, and to be frank, he wasn\x92t so sure the girl was unarmed. Then he had a brilliant idea, and he rushed off into Granma\x92s bedroom, where he hurriedly slipped out of his own clothes and into one of her night-gowns, pausing briefly to admire himself in the full-length dress mirror. A perfect disguise! He snickered at his own wickedness. \x91If my old mommy was alive to see this, she would spin in her grave.\x92

Fifteen minutes later, just after the football game had kicked off, the Little Red Riding Hood came scampering up the steps, and went to town on the doorbell. Leaping in between the sheets of Granma\x92s bed, the Wolf pulled the cover up to his chin, and called for her.

"Come in, dear." The ringing went on.

"Come in, dear girl!" Still ringing.

"Come in!" the Wolf yelled at the top of his lungs, but still the bell rung. Furious, he got out of bed and boomed his way down the stairs, ripping the door off its hinges. "What the hell\x92ya tryin\x92 ta do!? Tear the house down!?"

"Granma!" The Little Red Riding Hood hugged the Wolf tightly. "Oh Granma, you broke the door again."

"Never mind, a little fresh air hasn\x92t hurted nobody. C\x92mon in, dear, the game\x92s just started."

"Great! What\x92s the score?"

"Still on the first inning, bases loaded and Ronaldo gettin\x92 ready for battin\x92."

"Oh Granma," the girl laughed. "You\x92re so wicked! Here, I brought you some provisions."

The Wolf hastily led the way back to Granma\x92s bedroom, where he slipped in under the cover so the Little Red Riding Hood wouldn\x92t notice his furry legs and tail. Fortunately, like all kids today, the girl had a minute attention span, and so failed to see a thing. Inviting her to sit down with him on the bed, the Wolf leaned back to watch the game, popping a can of beer and stuffing his snout full of chips. They sat there for a while, before the girl took a good look at her Granma.

"Granma, what big, yellow eyes you\x92ve got."

"Huh?"

"Why are your eyes so big?"

"Oh, that\x92s because I\x92ve only got this little 14\x92\x92 TV to watch. Your mama\x92s too stingy to buy me a widescreen set. I\x92ve got contact lenses the size of saucers."

"That\x92s gotta hurt. But why are they yellow?"

"That\x92s because the Brazilian teams\x92 shirts keep reflectin\x92. Now quit bein\x92 so nosy."

"Oh."

After that, they sat there, eating and drinking, until only a few minutes were left of the first half. The Little Red Riding Hood eyed the Wolf cautiously, until she could no longer hold off her question.

"Granma, why do you have such a big nose?"

"Well, you see, I\x92m so old my olfactory sense is wastin\x92 away. This is just nature\x92s way to compensate. I get a bigger nose."

"Will I get a bigger nose, too?"

"Yes dear, if you... I mean, when you get old."

"Kewl!"

"Now quit bein\x92 so nosy!"

Half-time brought commercials, and some studio experts analysing the game, telling the viewers what they had just spent forty-five minutes watching. As the second half got under way, the girl grew restless again.

"Down the hall, to the right," the Wolf said. "Beer runs right through ya, doesn\x92t it?"

"Noo, that\x92s not it! I was just wondering..."

"Wondering what?"

"Why do you have such big ears?"

"So I can pick up Radio Luxembourg. Now shut up an\x92 watch the game!"

"Granma, are you being sarcastic?"

"Yes."

"Why\x92s your face all hairy?"

"Now, that\x92s not polite, tellin\x92 a lady she\x92s forgotten to shave!"

"I\x92m sorry. You must\x92ve forgotten it for quite a while, though. You\x92re all fuzzy!"

"Yeah. Must be the ol\x92 senility kickin\x92 in. Now quit bein\x92 so nosy, or I\x92ll punch ya!"

"But Granma, why do you have such big teeth?"

"They\x92re perfect for openin\x92 beer bottles. Are you watchin\x92 the game at all?"

"You ain\x92t my Granma, are you? You\x92re that nasty Wolf!"

"That\x92s right, little girl," the Wolf said, discarding the night-gown with a growl. "And now I\x92m going to eat you!"

Screaming at the top of her lungs, the Little Red Riding Hood grabbed an unopened can of beer, and threw it with full strength, hitting the Wolf in the stomach. As he doubled over, she smashed the chips bowl over his head, leaving him stunned as she ran out of the house, yelling like an air raid signal.

A bit away, a bold Hunter was out, shooting innocent animals. He heard the screaming, but since there were no signs of fighter planes, he deduced that the Little Red Riding Hood was in trouble again. Grabbing his machine gun, he went over to check things out. As he arrived, he found the girl in the top of a small apple tree, wailing away, while the Wolf stood down below, shaking the tree furiously.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?" the Hunter asked. The Wolf immediately stopped shaking the tree, doing his best to look innocent. "Are you harassing the girl?"

"Who, me? Nah, we\x92re just playing a game while Granma\x92s decomposing... I mean, cooking dinner."

"Oh, Mr Hunter," the Little Red Riding Hood wailed, "the big bad Wolf\x92s tried to eat me! I don\x92t even know how the game ended!"

"Is that true, Mr Wolf?"

"No, it\x92s not. She\x92s crazy! I\x92m bein\x92 framed!"

"He\x92s lying! He did try to eat me! Shoot him, Mr Hunter! Shoot his belly open, so he can watch his guts spill out before he dies! The blow his brains out! Blood, blood!"

"See, she\x92s a lunatic! Don\x92t believe her!"

"Shoot him!"

"Sorry, Mr Wolf. Looks like your number\x92s up."

"Wait, I\x92m an endangered species, she\x92s not. Shoot her instead!"

"He\x92s got a point, girl."

"What? You can\x92t be serious!"

Shrugging, the Hunter raised his gun, aiming for Little Red Riding Hood\x92s tiny nose. Without a word, the girl fainted, landing by the Wolf\x92s feet with a dull thud. The Wolf and the hunter looked at each other, then both shrugged.

"Where\x92s her Granma?"

"She had to go. It was quick, painless."

"Want me to help you get rid of the body?"

"Nah, I dumped it in the lake, tied to her big iron cauldron."

"What about the little one?" The hunter scratched his chin thoughtfully. "She\x92ll spill the beans on you."

"She already spilled the chips. Oh, you mean she\x92ll tell on me! But why are you helping me?"

"Well, for a Wolf, you\x92re kind of cute. Sexy, even."

"Oh."

Just then, the Little Red Riding Hood woke up, whining as she spotted the Wolf. Smiling warmly, the Wolf took her hand, helping her to her feet. He led her towards the door to the house.

"The hunter has shown me the error o\x92my ways," he said. "Come on in, and I\x92ll apologise properly."

"Well, I don\x92t believe you! You\x92re goin\x92 behind bars, Mister! Just you wait. Endangered or not, you\x92ll fry in the hot seat, just you wait!"

"What a little brat," the Hunter muttered as the two went inside. Soon, he could hear the Wolf\x92s voice.

"I\x92ll take you to see Granma. Just watch this li\x92l cauldron here..."

The Wolf and the Hunter stood by the lake, lit up by the setting sun as they watched the stream of bubbles end. Ripples spread on the surface for a while, then all was calm once more.

"Were you really going to eat her?" the Hunter asked.

"Nah. I\x92ve got vore fans on my tail all the time, I don't need ta kill for food. My freezer\x92s filled to last me through this winter and next. It was more for that bachelor party."

"Who\x92s coming?"

"Me. I\x92m the only bachelor I know." A tear ran down the Wolf\x92s cheek. "You\x92ve no idea how lonely it gets sometimes."

"But I do! Can I come?"

"Sure! You really want to?"

"Like I said, you are cute. Besides, being a Hunter is kind of lonely at times, too."

The Hunter leaned over to kiss the Wolf on the lips, then they took each other\x92s hands, and started walking towards the Wolf\x92s house, both smiling happily as they walked along.